Letter from a Parent

A parent’s perspective when your student chooses an out

of state university. Artcile Submitted by the FGCU Family & Parent Council

By Scott Hendershot

Whether it is across town, across the state, or across the country, sending your student off to college for the first time means you are both about to experience some big changes in your lives. When your student chooses an out of state university that is 1,000 miles away, the physical distance can cause those changes can be amplified and stressful – for both of you. Here are two important considerations to keep in mind when your student chooses and out of state university that may help you, and your student, survive until winter break.

Anticipate and plan for the long period of physical separation.

There are many reasons why students chose to attend far away colleges and universities. Often, they are the only one from their high school class attending and it means they can “get a fresh start” away from their youthful past. This also means it may be their first time living on their own. Escaping the confines of growing up in your parents’ home can be exhilarating, but sometimes “adulting” is hard.

The physical separation of being from out of state means your student cannot just pop back home for Sunday night dinner and bring their laundry. Our daughter had a great experience in the first few weeks of her freshman year and was meeting many new friends, participating in Week of Welcome events, and settling into a new and exciting routine. She was full speed ahead until everything came to a sudden stop a few weeks later during the long Labor Day holiday weekend, including the extra study day on Tuesday.

Her dorm quickly fell quiet and her new friends, most from Florida, were gone home and the excitement had ended. She was lonely, bored, and missing home. Neither of us had anticipated the impact that physical separation would have so soon after move in. We had not even discussed plane tickets home for Thanksgiving and now she was “abandoned and the only person still left on campus”.

It sure was tempting to remind our student that SHE wanted to live 1,000 miles away, however, this was an opportunity to help her become more confident and adjust to living independently. It was important to reinforce that she was not alone and that someone else on campus was experiencing the same emotions. The key was finding that other person and, together, they would both be able to get through the weekend successfully. Fortunately, she was not the only student left on campus that weekend. A new friend from Kansas was also far from home and they spent the weekend exploring the campus nature trails and some retail therapy at the mall. Everyone survived.

FGCU offers so many different and unique experiences, including the campus trails, food forest, and waterfront activities.

“But FGCU is 1,000 miles away…”

The Week of Welcome is a special opportunity for your student to engage in activities designed to connect them to campus and others. As the parent of an out of state student, be sure to encourage your student to connect with others early in their college experience so they are comfortable and confident in their new home away from home.

The transition from doing to advising can be more challenging for out of state parents and students.

When your student moves away from their high school home to college, especially across the country, the physical distance can be exciting and challenging for both the student and parents. During the high school years, being an active parent and raising kids often means “doing” things for them. Now that your student is living on their own and 1,000 miles away, the expectation of “doing” may still exist, but the reality becomes almost impossible.

When our daughter moved away to FGCU she experienced many of the same challenges as other students living on their own, including managing conflict with roommates and adapting to college life. The impact of the pandemic and virtual learning added to the stress. We felt fortunate that she would call and share her concerns with us, but often the conversation was more than venting or complaining. She was looking for real solutions and we felt helpless being so far away.

Real solutions are hard to deliver when your student lives across the country and the physical distance between us meant that our role as parents quickly shifted from doing to advising. Sharing guidance, suggestions and a strong dose of encouragement was about all we could provide for our daughter over the phone. It was up to her to decide what advice she wanted to accept and how to achieve the outcomes she wanted. More importantly, she had to do it for herself.

FGCU offers students many resources to support their academic and personal success. Our daughter found that reaching out to her resident assistant and honors college peer mentor were great places to start conversations. From a parent’s perspective, we did not have to have all the answers and were successful in advising our student on where she could find the resources to advocate for herself.

Sending your child off to college can be exciting and stressful, but it can be even more challenging when that university is 1,000 miles across the country. Anticipate and plan for that long period of physical separation between move in and the holiday break. Practice your advising skills and prepare your student to find their own solutions and advocate for themselves. Your student may be the one in college, however, both of you will be learning during this journey together.