advice
Suzy Hotrod
Ms D’Fiant
Gotham Girls Roller Derby New York, NY
Angel City Derby Girls Los Angeles, CA
DEAR BLOCKER AND JAMMER, How do you keep away from the inevitable girl drama while still being a good teammate and friend? -DRAMA MAMA
DEAR DRAMA MAMA,
DEAR DRAMA MAMA,
Treat your roller derby time with the professionalism of the workplace. I have a natural bond I share with my teammates because of all the time and effort we give to the sport. Regardless of our personalities and personal interests, we make this work because we’re running a successful business. Time is precious. If you’re going to be in a volunteer organization, money is not what’s keeping you there. It’s about giving your precious time and it should be productive time. Friendships and incompatibilities are inevitable. You need to manage both. To answer this question it’s also important to remember that girl drama and friendship are opposite ends of the spectrum of personal experience that needs to be kept in check because quite frankly, you got a lot of shit to get done and you don’t want your emotions fueling your decisions. There is no place for drama when you’re maintaining professionalism. Drama will happen and everyone will talk about it. Saying “Don’t gossip” is fluffy wishful thinking. People will talk, especially in a world that is so closely knit and incestuous. But we have to rise above our personal lives to be a functional piece of the roller derby machine. The more years you continue to be involved in roller derby, the more you get to know each other a little too well. Sometimes the less you know someone the easier it is to work with them. Chris Rock has this bit where he talks about how when you start dating it’s not you, you’re sending “Your Representative,” (the perfect version of you that you wish you were), and it’s all a big lie. So once we get past each other’s “Representatives” it’s not pretty. We’ve all got dark sides, flaws, and issues. No business is run flawlessly, but you have to decide if your contribution is going to help keep your business thriving or if you’re making it go out of business. Drama and rosters, a classic! If you get cut from the roster you can debate all you want who’s friends with who, who’s sleeping with whom, and who you didn’t kiss up to, or you can own it and hunker down and focus on yourself and accept that if the decision isn’t yours you have no more control over other than to put forth the best version of you that you can. And it’s not about you versus her or them, it’s about just you. Or if your friend gets cut, it’s the same deal. You can comfort her in the negativity of the blame game or you can chose to keep it professional and not give in to the dark side. Friendship provides a positive influence on running the business. It naturally allows us to work smoothly together. Being a good teammate is a lot like being a good friend: reliability, trust, honesty. Professionally speaking, I have amazing teammates who embody all these qualities who are not necessarily my friends but are the exact people I want to be in business with. We also have to be careful to not get overly emotionally attached to one another when it comes to the tough calls like giving feedback on the areas that need improvement or choosing a roster. Fuzzy warm feelings and darker negative feelings are laying just below the surface but keeping it all business as much as possible is the key to the success of a derby league and individual derby career longevity.
Ugh! Derby drama. There’s one topic everyone hates to love. Probably the second most said thing a derby girl says – first, “I never had any girlfriends growing up, only guy friends” – means “I see both sides of the issue.” This is usually followed by a defense of one side or the other. Well sister, you now have a lot of girlfriends and let’s be honest, there’s no less drama with your guy friends either. So, how do we deal with it? I’ve been doing this since 2005 and I still struggle with the answer, but the one I’ve come to rely on most is this: you need to talk this over with the subject of your derby drama. We owe it to ourselves to be honest with each other. If the derby drama isn’t about you, then you need to politely tell your sister that she needs to take it up with the appropriate party who can help resolve the issue. And don’t shy away from discouraging the behavior. There is a very special dynamic at play in team sports and when two people are having issues, it affects everyone. A good teammate takes her personal problems outside of the team and works it out. This is the part where she says she’s just “venting” and has to “get it off her chest.” That is a valid point, but do it somewhere else. Drama is poison. If you’re not fixing the issue then you’re really just talking shit. If you need to vent, talk about it with your therapist, non-derby BFF, or other appropriate party. Do not poison the well of your team and league. If the nature of the complaint isn’t personal rather professional, recognize that at some point we have to trust our elected league leadership. Share your ideas with the director. They’re either going to say, “Great, are you ready to help with it?” or “No, that’s not really the direction I was thinking.” If you don’t like the direction of a league leader, do not vote them in the next year. Or better yet, run against them with a tri-colored “Change” poster. Of course, there are times when the bad feelings start escalating and a league has to look inward. For this reason, I strongly suggest having a Skater Advocacy committee in your league. Our Skater Advocates exist to help mediate personal problems between skaters and also keep their finger on the pulse of the league. If the leadership is getting out of touch, the Advocates sometimes send a reality-check email. Bottom line – It's 2013, if we want to take our sport to the next level we need to leave derby drama in the past and be as professional as the WFTDA.tv makes us appear. So, it's time we put on our big-girl athletic pants, because we’ve all got a business to run and a sport we love to play.
4 | Winter 2012 | fiveonfivemag.com