the Sweet Spot The Interpersonal is Political

One of the most inspiring movements of social change in human history had its roots in the way a husband and wife navigated the intimate injustices that characterized the early years of their relationship.

Gandhi is often credited with formulating the method of nonviolent resistance that he first experimented with in South Africa before implementing it to help overthrow British rule in India, where the method inspired the Civil Rights movement in the US and a multitude of other movements since. But Gandhi himself repeatedly gave the credit to his wife Kasturba. “I learned the lesson of satyagraha [“truthforce” or nonviolent resistance] from my wife,” he said. “She became my teacher in non-violence. And what I did in South Africa was but an extension of the rule of satyagraha she unwittingly practised in her own person.”

So how exactly did Kasturba become Gandhi’s teacher in nonviolence? There were four fundamental hallmarks of her approach to interpersonal transformation, each of which would be echoed in Gandhi’s approach to societal transformation.

1) Determined Resistance: From the very beginning of their arranged marriage at the tender ages of 13, Kasturba boldly stood up to Gandhi.” “I used to be a tyrant at home,” Gandhi openly admitted. “I literally used to make life a hell for her.” Raised to regard himself as, in his words, “lord and master of his wife” he set about trying to “bend Kasturba to my will.”

How did she respond? With what Gandhi called “determined resistance.” When he demanded Kasturba ask permission to leave their house, he says “she made it a point to go out whenever and wherever she liked.” When he tried to throw her out of their house for refusing to clean the outhouses, she appealed to his sense of shame: “Because I am your wife, do you think I have to put up with your abuse?” The situations changed but the message remained the same: “This is wrong. It must change. I won’t stand for it.” And it is no coincidence that this is the very same message Gandhi repeatedly conveyed to a string of patriarchal oppressors during his campaigns in South Africa and India.

2) Loving Resistance: Yet despite Kasturba’s determined resistance, she rarely retaliated or escalated their conflicts, choosing instead to remain a fierce guardian of connection. Her “disobedience,” in other words, remained largely civil, which is to say respectful, supportive and compassionate. She was fierce yet tender, assertive yet supportive, indignant yet forgiving, boundaried but benevolent. And very much like Kasturba, Gandhi would go on to carefully maintain friendships with the various oppressors he sought to reform. After being imprisoned by General Smuts, for instance, he famously made a pair of sandals for the very man who had imprisoned him.

with Seth Shugar

3) Patient Endurance: But of course, standing up firmly but warmly to Gandhi’s patriarchal conditioning did not magically change his behaviour overnight. No, it took years. Years of bearing with him through his outbursts. Years of clinging to the truth while continuing to see what was good in him. Years of voicing her opposition to his mistakes while silently encouraging him to live up to her respect. And this too became one of the hallmarks of the relentless campaigns Gandhi led: Kasturban levels of fierce yet loving resistance and persistence.

4) Visible Suffering: While both resisting and enduring Gandhi’s “stupidity,” however, Kasturba did not hesitate to let him see the suffering his behavior was causing her. When he tried to throw her out of their home in South Africa, for instance, she cried at him through tears, “Have you no shame? I have no family to take me in.” And seeing the suffering he was causing his wife eventually touched Gandhi’s heart and, he said, “made me ashamed of myself and cured me of my stupidity in thinking that I was born to rule over her.”

Gandhi would later come to call this phenomenon “the law of suffering” – the observation that to truly transform another’s behaviour you must not only satisfy their reason, but also move their heart and open up their “inner understanding” by letting them see your pain. This became another one of the hallmarks of Gandhi’s approach to social change: letting the world see the innocent blood, broken bones and dead bodies that littered the way of love.

Gandhi’s method of societal transformation began at home in his most intimate interpersonal relationship. Which is why, when people complained to him that it was too difficult to love this or that leader, he encouraged them to “start where you are,” which is to say at home, in your family, with your friends. And continue working outward from there.

Seth is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Marital and Family Therapist and Board Certified Life Coach. He works with individuals and couples in private practice. You can reach him at sethshugar@me.com or book a session at www.sethshugar.com