the Sweet Spot with Seth The Only Sane Answer to the Problem of Human Existence

When Erich Fromm, the celebrated social psychologist, moved to Mexico City in 1950 his new students at the university described him as an arrogant, stern and irritable man who was quick to find fault. Within a few years, however, these same students noted that his face had softened and his eyes had become playful. He had, they observed, become a simple, kind and joyful man who loved good jokes and often convulsed in laughter over them.

What had changed?

First, after a period of intense emotional distress following the tragic death of his wife Henny, he had fallen deeply in love with Annis Freeman whose love opened him up as never before. Second, he had befriended D. T. Suzuki who communicated to him the heart of Zen not just through long discussions but, more importantly, through his simple and loving presence.

These two influences converged to inspire Fromm’s classic The Art of Loving which has since been translated into 32 languages and sold over 30 million copies. Based on the premise that “Love is the only sane answer to the problem of human existence” the book is organized around a radical redefinition of love not primarily as a feeling but as an “activity” or an “attitude” characterized by four fundamental qualities that remain constant regardless of whether they are oriented toward a lover, a child, a fellow human, oneself, god or the earth:

§ Care: a constant state of relaxed yet alert concern for the lovedone, inspired by a deep interest in their life and growth and happiness;

§ Responsibility: not just the ability to respond (the literal definition of response-ability) but the activity of being responsive to the needs, both expressed and unexpressed, of the beloved;

§ Knowledge: a form of intimacy (from the Latin intimare, “to make known”) gained primarily by means of “the daring plunge into the experience of union” which grants knowledge not just of the loved one’s “peripheral” emotions, like anger, but “core” emotions like the worry underlying anger or the loneliness underlying worry.

§ Respect: literally meaning to “look again,” respecting a lovedone is both seeing them as they are in their unique individuality and actively wanting them to grow and unfold for their own sake rather than according to our own wants and needs.

Fromm likens the process of developing these loving qualities to the process of mastering an art, like music or carpentry or medicine. Like any other art, loving requires practice, specifically of…

§ Concentration: the ability to devote high-quality attention both to the loved-one, mainly by means of listening, and to ourselves.

Shugar

After all, external concentration can only be maintained if we first develop a “sensitivity” to internal diversions (like fatigue or irritability) and then respond to them lovingly.

§ Discipline: loving presence is developed not just by means of daily concentration practices but by “discipline in one’s whole life” and by means of “a supreme concern with the mastery of the art.” In this way, each and every interaction becomes an opportunity to hone the skill of skills.

§ Patience: like an infant who falls again and again while learning to walk or a carpenter who spends hours planing wood before assembling lanterns, the development of disciplined concentration requires patience, which is also an expression of self-love.

§ Faith: the deep trust, first, that our beloved’s fundamental attitudes and motivations will remain stable enough to justify the risk inherent in committing ourselves completely without guarantee and, second, that our love will produce love and growth in the lovedone. Fromm calls these forms of faith “rational” rather than religious because they emerge out of a conviction rooted in our lived experience rather than submission to external authority.

Fromm’s universal definition of love as something we do rather than feel, and as a quality of presence that can be developed through practice has undoubtedly increased the quantity of love in the world immeasurably. Yet it also begs an important question: is love really a skill that is gradually built through constant disciplined practice, or is it a subtle yet fundamental level of consciousness that we can simply shift into? Is love constructed gradually through deliberate effort or is it a veiled yet innate capacity that can be uncovered like a dusty but luminous diamond? Is love, in short, something we do or is it what we are?

As is often the case when questions are framed in such dualistic terms, the best answer is probably… yes.

Seth is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Marital and Family Therapist and Board Certified Life Coach. He works with individuals and couples in private practice. You can reach him at sethshugar@me.com or book a session at www.sethshugar.com

Salt Spring Island Public Library’s Program Room

What would you take with you if you were given a moment’s notice to pack up and leave your home, uncertain if you would ever return?

This question was a reality for about 22,000 Japanese Canadians living on the BC coast in 1942, including 77 people who were living here on Salt Spring Island.

Isomura’s multimedia exhibit brings us the experience and history of the Japanese Canadian community’s mass uprooting and internment in the 1940s in a personal way that we can feel and connect with.

Through her photography and video of the participants’ packing process, supplemented by local archival photos, we will learn about this dark chapter of Canadian history and connect with how it impacts us today. It is also an opportunity to reflect on the uprooting and dispossession of people around the world due to natural disasters, political instability, and war.

Kayla Isomura is a Vancouver-based photographer currently exploring intergenerational trauma and racialized identity.

Exhibition Opening and Artist Talk by Kayla Isomura

June 2nd Friday: Reception from 6pm Artist Talk from 7pm to 8:30pm

Kayla Isomura will share her personal account of the creation process of the project.

‘While this started as a question of dispossession, it more broadly became a conversation about the legacy of this history today, whether related to personal identity, family, community or global politics’ says Isomura.

Community Workshop facilitated by Susanne Hunter, MD, RCC

June 16th Friday: 5pm to 8pm.

Exploration of Intergenerational Memories - How Do We Relate?

A gently guided exploration of intergenerational and collective trauma and healing through the Japanese Canadian uprooting experience.

• What are signs in ourselves and others of carrying intergenerational and collective trauma? How does it affect our lives?

• What can we do to contribute to its healing in ourselves and in our community?

• What can we do when we experience or witness mistreatment because of race, gender, culture, age or status?

Preregistration required.

Please write to heiwagardensaltspring@gmail.com

Community Talk by Kirsten Emiko McAllister, Ph.D., Professor in the School of Communication at Simon Fraser University

June 23rd Friday: 7pm to 8:30pm

Japanese Canadian Memory Projects: Rebuilding the Community and Recognizing our Responsibilities Today

McAllister will explore how the community’s wider pursuit of social justice requires us to go beyond our own experiences of persecution and examine our responsibilities to Indigenous Nations and our links to other groups facing persecution today.

Presented by the Japanese Garden Society of Salt Spring Island.

Sponsored by the Salt Spring Island Public Library. The exhibition’s community talks and workshop are funded by the Salt Spring Foundation.

This mini traveling version of the Suitcase Project is a loan from the Nikkei National Museum.

Archival photographs are courtesy of the Salt Spring Island Archives.