the Sweet Spot

Committing to Being a Guardian of Connection

For the first six years of their marriage, the celebrated spiritual teachers Adyashanti and Mukti lived in a 400 square-foot cottage. Although they were extraordinarily compatible on most major issues (e.g. money, commitment, spirituality) differences nevertheless arose. Adya didn’t need their cabin to be as tidy as Mukti did, so she did most of the cleaning and organizing. Adya liked to crack jokes while they were working whereas Mukti needed silence to focus. Most importantly, Adya was ambivalent about having a child while Mukti very much wanted to start a family.

How has this impressive couple navigated their divergent needs over the course of their 30-year marriage?

One powerful question has been especially helpful: who has the greater need?

And yet, as they recount in The One of Us, what has allowed them to both ask and answer this question honestly over the decades has been something far more powerful: their mutual commitment to being “guardians” of their shared connection even in the midst of disagreement.

Which means what exactly?

First, it means noticing what you sense and feel when you’re connected with your partner in that very direct, immediate, non-verbal way that runs like an underground river beneath all the other forms of connection (e.g. shared interests, banter, sex, etc.). Maybe you notice that your heart relaxes or your eyes soften. Or maybe your breath lengthens or you feel a tingling energy running through your body. Or there’s a sensation of spaciousness or expansiveness, like a meadow has suddenly opened up inside you. Whatever it is, you notice it, stay with it, soak in it, savor it.

Then, above all, you commit to being a guardian of this bond, a steward of this connectedness. You resolve to relate in such a way that this “third body,” as Robert Bly calls it, sustains as little harm as possible. Knowing that this resolution is as ludicrous as a bodhisattva vow, knowing that it flies in the face of research that shows that being disconnected in 70 percent of the interactions in our primary love relationships is not only typical but healthy; knowing all of this, you nevertheless commit to shepherding, treasuring, safeguarding this connection.

with Seth Shugar

Third, having made this commitment, you begin to notice when you say or do things that neglect or strain or break it. Maybe you notice a little plunging sensation in your chest after saying something that was too self-centred or agenda-driven. Maybe you notice the corners of your partner’s eyes tighten when your voice sharpens. Or you see how, when you get speedy, your partner goes from being a you to an it, an object, a thing.

Fourth, with compassion, you follow the bread-crumbs backwards to the parts of you – the old conditioned thoughts and feelings and sensations – that prompt you to say and do the things that weaken or cut your connection. And you become intimate enough with these aspects of yourself that they grant you the space to see what you need to say and do, how you need to say and do it and, most importantly, what it feels like to be a good caretaker of that connection.

It was in this spirit, which is very similar to key aspects of the empirically-validated approaches pioneered by Sue Johnson and John Gottman, that Adya and Mukti approached their conversations about starting a family. In one particularly vulnerable discussion, Mukti made it clear just how deeply important it was to her to have a child, and Adya understood that she had the greater need. So they started trying. And after several years, they realized it wasn’t going to happen. But, in the process, they both conceived and nurtured their commitment to being guardians of connection, a commitment they have continued to carry over into an ever-expanding circle of relationships with friends and family, students and strangers, animals and plants.

Seth is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Marital and Family Therapist and Board Certified Life Coach. He works with individuals and couples in private practice. You can reach him at sethshugar@me.com or book a session at www.sethshugar.com