This too shall pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS… A DIARY OF A CRAZY GIRL AND HER BUTTERFLIES

By Filza

Picture yourself on shifting sands—the ground beneath your feet constantly changing and throwing you off balance, leaving you scared and defensive. That’s what it’s like to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). For people with BPD, almost everything is unstable: their relationships, their moods, their thinking, their behavior, and even their identity. It’s a frightening and painful way to live. But there’s hope…

I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster—and not just with my emotions or relationships, but my sense of who I am. My self-image, goals, and even my likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear.

People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as feeling like an exposed nerve ending. Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have a hard time calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior. When you’re in the throes of overwhelming emotion, you’re unable to think straight and stay grounded. You may say hurtful

things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways that make you feel guilty and ashamed later on. It’s a painful cycle that can feel impossible to escape. But it’s not.

WHAT IS BPD?

I often feel “empty.”

My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety.

I’m constantly afraid that the people I care about will abandon me or leave me.

I would describe most of my romantic relationships as intense, but unstable.

The way I feel about the people in my life can dramatically change from one moment to the next—and I don’t always understand why.

I often do things I know are dangerous or bad for me, such as having unsafe sex, binge drinking, doing drugs, or going on spending sprees.

I’ve attempted to hurt myself, engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting, or threatened suicide.

When I’m feeling insecure in a relationship, I tend to lash out or make frantic gestures to keep the other person close…

There are 9 symptoms of BPD:

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one getting home late from work or going away for the weekend can trigger intense fear. This leads to frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, jealously track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the other person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect— driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and shortlived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or unstable self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable.

Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensationseeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol.

These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm includes all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent.

Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

I have them all…

I lived an intense one year romance with a Paquistan boy and when he left home for visiting his family he got married and of course I found out by his cousins Facebook… how dramatic can it be for a normal person?! Imagine to a BPD girl…

I’m not really a girl… I’m a 33 years old women with a 4 years daughter and an ex-husband… a 16 years relashionship that end up, because I rather have a friend in my life than a husband that hates me…

My way to coop this tragic moment in my life was to write a diary… I’m sorry if some things won’t make sense or you don’t know with who I am talking with…

You, who are reading this will understand why I explain what is BPD… ‘cause prepare yourself to enter in a crazy world… my world…

MARCH MY BUTTERFLYS FUNERAL

1st March 2016

Filza: I'm not asking you for love messages Filza: I'm asking for sorry messages Filza: You have to ask me to forgive you Filza: That u are sorry Filza: That I'm hurting Immy: Salaam Immy: Yes i have to say sorry Filza: Fuck your salams Filza: Fuck your alhamdulillah Filza: Fuck your Allah Hafiz Immy: Dont do rubbish with Religion Filza: Do you really think I can believe Immy: Dont believe Filza: After you go to Mecca Filza: And tell me all the lies?

Immy: And this is ur respect to give me. Thanks Filza: I don't respect u Filza: How can i Filza: You lie to me Filza: At your nikkah Filza: So I'm waiting for my I'm sorry Filza: But stop this rubbish Immy: I m sorry Immy: To hurt u Filza: Lol Filza: Fuck u Immy: Thanks Filza: See you in hell

Today you told me that you don't love me anymore..

It's the day we first kissed... One year ago.

The day I felt butterflies for the first time...

It was your first kiss but it was more important to me... cause I felt in love...

I decided to heal... and I'm not going to express myself to you... so I'm going to write here... hoping that you could read and say you love me back.

I feel pain... I feel like the world don't have meaning anymore... I don't know what I feel cause I never felt like this before...

I already did so many questions to myself... and really I don't want to know the answers cause I'm sure it will hurt more...

Like today... I try to have answers and my heart became more broken. ..

There is no future for us... and it hurts...

I'm at my butterflies funeral... exactly one year after they born...

I hope I don't have the need to write here many times and I hope that someday I can forget the password to enter... so I don't have the need to write or see you...

2nd March 2016

Yesterday wasn't that bad of a day...

I really thought I couldn't make it... just the thought of us making one year and you wouldn't be here was horrible, but I survived to I don't love you anymore...

I love you, gosh, eu pyar you ... but just loving isn't anything... If I don't put water it will get dry and die... and I'm trying a murder here... It will die... and I will burn it... like they did to sick people... so nobody catch the same disease.

I asked you to take that K and Q tattoo picture of your whatsup... I asked you so many times to make that tattoo isn't? I felt like your Queen... and I wanted you to be my King... and knowing that you used that same picture to express your love towards someone hurts... knowing that I was used, hurts...

Im trying to heal but today is being extra hard.. cause I thought if I survived yesterday today it would be easier... but it's not. .. more pain less light at the end of the tunnel...

I miss my butterflies...

2nd March 2016_v2

I want so much to talk with you...

I want to say how much I love you and that I really need a hug...

In 5 days I lost 3 kgs... This year I lost 17...

I know I'm still fat, but I don't want to be slim and unhappy... I rather be fat and happy...

I look myself in the mirror and I see an ugly person... I never thought I was cute... but now I see ugly... my self esteem is really down... when I felt like this, this weeks I looked at hour pic of the day after Valentine...

And I would think, gosh this couple is so cute... and I would be happy... but now I can't... so I only have an ugly face to look...

I have a lot of time to think... cause I'm staying home this days... I'm sick pyar... and you don't care... and I realised that I'm hurting but the hurting is less than when we were together... cause I was always in stress and trying to make you happy, trying to not upset you, trying, trying, trying... and at the end fighting... and I couldn't win cause you would go to sleep and I would be sad all night... and think I was wrong and... I was loosing my essence... isn't?

I am a weak person but my personality isn't weak... I am a dreamer, I believe in the good of people, and you were taking that from me...

So, even still loving you... even still missing you I know this is the best...

I really want to talk with you...

I'm thinking in making a tattoo... saying "Stay Strong" cause I don't want to forget this moment... my fighting... I am really struggling with myself this days... and when I win this fight I can say "now you are a warrior" and make another tattoo...

I really can't forget this days... so when you came back, if you came back I don't feel the need to see you and if I see you, cause this city has 3 kms... my feelings don't came back...

If I do a tattoo I can look at it and remember everything...

I hope you don't came back... ‘cause I'm afraid of my feelings...

I stopped counting the days to have you back...

3rd March 2016 Entering the email I put the old password... and it told me it's not for 4 days... now life just sucks...

4 days... It looks like one year... really... 4 days since I don't tell you that I love you...

4 days that I lost my hope on people...

I miss you Immy. I miss talking with you. I thought you were my best friend and I'm lost... cause I don't have with who to talk...

This is worse than having my heart broken...

I didn't lost only my dreams I lost the only person I could talk about it. The only person who could give me a shoulder to cry...

How can I be your friend? Explain me... If I can't tell you about what I feel?

Maybe someday... but I don't think it's possible... cause the way you lied to me... how can I trust you again? How can I know that you won't break my trust again?

I read something saying if you crumple a paper it will never became the same again... its exactly as trust...

I forgave you so much... All the lies... cause I always thought it was because you loved me and wanted to protect me.

But the reality is that you wanted to protect yourself.

I gave you so many chances of telling me the true... or at least make an easy lie to not hurt me this much... but every time I gave you the chance you would call me crazy... that I wasn't believing your love was strong...

Guess what? It wasn't strong... If ever existed...

4th March 2016

This is a picture of your wedding day‌ I don't see the man I love here...

5th March 2016 I went to the saloon, as usual, and I found myself looking at an Indian girl and thinking I wish I was her...

If I was her maybe you would love me...

See what you did to me...

6th March 2016 Why are you doing this to me?

Putting me on video with your wife?

How sick is that?

I'm in pain, a lot of pain more than I can handle it... and you don't understand it.

6th March 2016_v2 If you ask me for papers for your wife to came over its cause you only are talking with me cause of that... you are a selfish person who really don't give a fuck about feeling of other people...

Please, don't be that person... Please...

Filza! Don't let yourself hurt again, be selfish, protect yourself...

7th March 2016 I'm not feeling well... I really don't know how much more I can handle it...

In a couple of hours I'm going back to work I don't know I can manage... my head... I really can't concentrate myself...

Until today I was in hate mood... I think I started to feel sad about myself... when the hate was on, it was on him... now I'm afraid I'm going to start hurting myself...

7th March 2016_v2 Pyar, Everything is going wrong with my life...

Jess is crying she doesn't want to go to school.

My job is going a hell, my boss said that she is thinking of firing me...

My sister is going to ask for divorce today... she went to take the papers...

Filipe is all upset with me...

You left me...

I really don't know what to do...

I'm going crazy...

8th March 2016 How can you don't understand how you hurt me?

How much pain you put me thru?

I feel alone... I just want to hug you... and smell you and touch you...

You have no idea how I'm feeling...

Knowing that probably I'm never going to see you again...

And knowing I'm never going to kiss you...

I talked with u today... We talked, made jokes... It was so good...

But knowing that it's all that I can have‌

9th March 2016 Today was one of those hard days...

I couldn't believe that this happened.

I have nightmares... you know?

When I wake up I realize it wasn't a nightmare, it's my reality.

I just wanted to talk with you...

I wanted to listen to your voice...

You didn't pick up the phone. I get an excuse to call you...

It was my mum's birthday... so I could talk with you and tell you that...

Yesterday we were joking on the phone... I miss those days... when it was the normal thing to do...

I miss your "Yaaaaaraaa" when I called you...

10th March 2016 Immy: Filza ,What can I do for u? Really Immy: Coz i already loose amor But i dont want to loose amizade Filza: Nothing Filza: Really

I see the love was strong… that you can just loose it, like you can loose something that isn’t important…

I lost a lot of things in my life, but loose love… you can stop loving someone… not like one day to another… little by little… disappointment by disappointment… that wasn’t love, if you lost it…

I loved you alone, for one entire year… isn’t?

Remember this Filza… remember that it needs 2, to make love work… one person love isnt enough for a relashionship…

13th March 2016 Gosh I hate you I really hate you.

I'm getting thru a lot and you are making things worse.

I asked you, please take Mito from your fb, and you put my sister? ??

C'mon. ..

And you blocked me? for real?

You need to have all my family on your FB but u don't need me?

We talked today, u said u were going to help me... but now I'm not sure if it's true...

13th March 2016_v2

Go fuck yourself... stop messing with my head.

Now you are saying your fellings didn't change?

How can you say that?

After: Immy: Filza ,What can I do for u? Really Immy: Coz i already loose amor But i dont want to loose amizade Fuck you I HATE YOU!!!

WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME NOW??? WHAT YOU NEED??? I’m sure you are playing games with me cause you need something…

16th March 2016

I'm not writing here not cause I don't remember you... I wish... it’s just that for an instant I got hope...

I thought we still could be together...

I'm such a fool...

You blocked me from every where...

You became jealous... only who loves have jealous isn't?

You became upset cause Jabran is helping me… he came to my house, he said I needed a slap in my face and a beer… the beer I drink… First beer in my life… believe?!

JB was really a friend today… I really needed to talk with anyone… like nobody knows I’m suffering… I’m hiding from my family…

But you said some wrong things to me... I really don't deserve it.

I'm going thru hell and you just care of your fellings... I have to survive... and you don't understand that...

I wish that I never came to this country... as then I would never meet you...

The bad things are bigger than the good things... more bad memories than good...

It's 20kgs... 20 kgs in 6 months... that's how I suffer... of your absence.

17th March 2016

I don't understand you, you hate me, you love me... I don't know...

You don’t love me but nobody can have me?!

Jabran is really helping me… that shoulder to cry? I don’t feel like crying when I’m with him… he makes me laught of this situation… Like how fool I was…

He his making feel good about myself…

My self-esteem is coming up, I always thought he gave good advices… you never let me talk with him, even he being your best friend, because he would advice me to leave you, isn’t?

I know I misbehave when I had sex with him… a year ago… But I was in a lot of pain… and I just needed to feel something besides that pain… I think I rape him that time LOL That time, you were pushing me away, afraid of falling in love, I guess…

I know he his the super BADBOY, I’m not going to fall in love… but his hug is like heaven…

I love you but I don't trust you anymore....

17th March 2016_v2 Yaara means that special person who is your everything. This one word is everything,it shows you friendship, love, care, selfishness, hatred. Yaara is basically the best name someone could ever call you. It means friends but not really friend. Its what you call someone special.

Today you call me yaar -buddy... I wish you would still call me Yaara... and sing it, like you always did on the phone... every morning at 7.30 am‌ Yaaaaaraaa.... oh Yaaaaaraaa‌

18th March 2016

You know what day it's today?

It's the day we would normally go out at night. .. and dinner, talking... having some great time together... those days that I will never forget...

Last month I spend in bed, crying... This time I'm not going to...

I’m going out with JB… dinner, talking… some fun!

It's been more than a month now, that I don't see you... I still remember your touch, your smell, your taste...

I wish I didn't, it would be easier...

18th March 2016_v2

Gosh… is this possible?! Mister Bad Boy has an heart?!

I had like the most amazing night with JB… the talking, the playing… the sex… goshhhhhh that was fucking amazing…

He is being so sweet… I wasn’t prepared for sweetness… all the bad words, the Fuck you’s and inside he has honey… so sweet…

Immy…

I'm letting you go...

Goodbye...

19th March 2016 Bye bye Ahahah

19th March 2016_v2

I can forgive you for many things but for this I can't... you just used me.

Lying about your first kiss?

Lying about your first time?

I just found out you are the biggest, ever, BAD BOY it exists… and I really didn’t knew… you are someone else… you were lying all this time for me? Pretending being someone you aren’t???

Gosh! How can you pretend to be your first time?

You were really bad in bed?! How can you pretend that???

Really, our first time, it was like 1 second… how can you pretend that???

You made me feel special... but I'm not...

I'm just a puti. ...

You are the call girl.... not me....

I will get my revenge!

FUCK YOU BASTARD!

21th March 2016

I wish I could say I don't love you anymore...

But not hearing good night....

It was so good to every night hear the same…

Good night Sweet dreams I Love you Allah Hafiz I couldn’t go to sleep without that, remember?!

Never mind... I will find someone better than you...

Maybe I already found, do you think its possible?! Jabran Bashir?

I don’t think so… but I’m having such a great time with him…

We went to see the sunrise…

I love to see the sunrise…

I saw the sun rise so many times… but always alone… first time I share that moment with someone…

I can’t explain what I’m feeling here… it’s difficult, cause he is your best friend… when you return?! How is it going to be?

Filza, please don’t fall in love for Jabran Bashir… your heart is going to be broken…

But he is cute and sweet and at the same time… I need someone who says shut up and behave…

I’m a wild worse honey… and I need someone to control me… or I will always be like that… he do that really well…

Who knows if I’m not the one who will turn Jabran Bashir, the bad boy in a good boy…

But you won't forget me, Immy, and you know why? I'm going to break your heart.... I'm going to destroy your dreams...

I'm not feeling sorry for me anymore... I'm in revenge mode....

25th March 2016

It's true, my butterflys died....

25th March 2016

Okay. We were raised to believe in fairy tales and stories of enchanted princes and princesses, superheroes and that stuff. Our mothers and grandmothers have created us making us believe that the "right person" exists and that one day he will come. Will arrive…

Honestly, I have no fingers to count all the wrong cases I've had in life, every time i fucked myself thinking I had hit the jackpot, that I had finally found such a "right person" that my mother spoke and my heart felt that warm feeling that I would not need to look, ´cause I would knew that I've found it!

Hence the disappointment, the bucket of cold water and the dream going down the toilet. What a sadness!

Again I searched, found and ... wrongggggg guy.

I believe a dozen or more times that this time was going to work, you would have your dreams of love, a family, maybe a dog, garden, pool house ....

You know that sound like a high vinyl record… I seem to hear every time things do not go as imagined. I spent years of my life searching for the person who would have turned me to carry out my dreams of love that made me smile (like, forever!) And it was amazing! I did not find it. He may have passed me and, in my desperation to find, was looking at the wrong side. It could have happen…

But in the end, a solution that changed my life: if the right does not come that at least I enjoy myself with the wrong!

Without attachment, without expectations, without waiting for that eternal love. Something like, casual, light without compromise and that makes me beautiful, flushed and happy, in my way.

Everyone, deep down, even the deniers, wish a happy and lasting relationship, the famous "forever," I know well. But while this "forever" not came, what shall I do with my life?

I'll stop in a convent and pray, pray for him to come? I will spend whole nights in colorful clubs believing that someone in that environment, overflowing alcohol, will be the love of my life and I will choose to continue to live my life, through my days, meeting people and enjoying myself with them until the day on which, incidentally, I bump with an amazing creature in bakery box of the line?

It's because, for all I know, things happen when you least expect it and sit crying, begging for bringing the right person for your life is more than wrong!

In case you have not noticed, there is a lot of interesting people around and even its not the love of your life, at least give you a great time of fun.

JB, probably you aren’t the one, but do you want to have an amazing time with me?

I can offer you that, what you think about?

26th March 2016 Immy, I meet famous Mimi...

I was so jealous of them…

I wanted to have something special.

I don’t want to have fun… I want my enchanted prince…

I want it all… family with kids, my dog and a pool house…

28th March 2016

I miss your voice ...

28th March 2016_v2

Jabran, Do not give me flowers, chocolates, teddy bears…. Write me letters, or little notes. Type stupid and silly things that make me laugh like a child. After that, buy flowers, chocolates and teddy bears. You can give a pink car, with my initials on the door, but if you do not have a surprise little card with your gibberish, will not be the same thing, you know?

Men who love us are great. But better still are those who are proud to love us.

I do not like cricket, but if you want to take me to watch the game with your friends, I’ll liove it, you know? It's like taking you to lunch at my family's house. I do not care of the food, what I want is to bring you to my family and show you to my relatives.

Be interesting is more important than being cool and cute. Someone who knows a whisper beautiful verses at my ear as if he had written himself thinking about me... It's like sing that beautiful chorus of that song that I love and saying you remember me whenever you hear ringing,..

Surprises are always welcome. Whether for a cute card or that chocolate by which you know I'm in love. You understand that the gifts are not the price that cost? As the name implies, the gifts are to make presence. So more and more that I do presence in your life, I know that I am part of your day, too.

You need to be friendly. But nothing of many smiles for any little bitch on a social network. Not too solicitous to ex-girlfriends. Being jealous is good. But nothing in exaggeration. You can tease my necklines or with my short dresses. But as those who care, not like those commands…

And smile of my jealousy, but without excesses. And makes me smile, too. Men need to know to make us smile - even if not Eximios counters jokes. But it is extremely important to make us smile.

Whether by tickling, by faces, by getting dirty when washing dishes or for knowing the lyrics of Lady Gaga. But makes me smile, drop a good laugh. I believe that the door of the heart …

APRIL CHANGES…

1st APRIL 2016 Filipe, Ironia do destino... no nosso mês...

E agora, pra ser ainda mais clichê – tão clichê quanto escrever uma mensagem de despedida – eu vou te desejar felicidades. A sério. Vou-te desejar tranquilidade pra seguir em frente quando souberes que eu não estou em casa a tua espera e uma pitada de sorte para encontrares alguém que te mereça, eu quero que encontres alguém que te entenda melhor e que seja melhor do que eu.

Pensei muito sobre esta separação e entendi que isso é o melhor a se fazer. Pode ser que não entendas os meus motivos, mas isso o tempo irá te mostrar.

Vou-te desejar – do fundo do meu coração – tudo que eu desejo pra mim: leveza, bons amigos e algum senso de humor para encarar este final que infelizmente sempre veio. Não vou dizer adeus porque não dá pra desfazer um laço tão bonito quanto este que fizemos. E mesmo que não possamos nos ver por um tempo, sempre farás parte de mim de uma maneira especial.

Somos família, temos uma princesa juntos e sei que sempre vou poder contar contigo e tu comigo.

Eu vou sempre te querer bem porque não dá pra atirar fora os nossos momentos mágicos, as nossas conversas, a nossa cumplicidade… Tudo aquilo que sobra, sabes? Por tudo isso espero que possamos continuar os melhores amigos, como a 16 anos no jardim das Paivas, dentro daquele Yaris... Mesmo sem a conchinha, sem mãos dadas, sem beijos na boca – o que nos sobrou ainda é muito. Obrigada pelo que vivemos até aqui. Eu Amo-te muito...

5TH APRIL 2016

I don't write for a while.

Pills are getting the effect... I don't feel pain mostly.

I did a tattoo... Stay strong and I didn't felt pain... cause the pain I feel is bigger than needles...

I'm thinking in making a new one when I get a job.

Saying this too shall pass...

6TH APRIL 2016

I don't love you.

Now I'm sure.

I loved the way I loved myself when I was with u.

And that I found again...

I have to learn to love myself to love anyone else... isn’t?

8TH APRIL 2016

Who does not want to love? A love of those breathtaking? I think we all want to feel that peace to be ing the arms of the beloved that truly loves you. That feeling that if the world ended there, it would be okay. The feeling that although there are problems out there, just a smile and everything is so small. I do not know if everyone knows what it is, but maybe you are having the opportunity and, if so, why are you letting it go?

It may sound too romantic, and it is because love has the gift of making us see what is beautiful in the world. Although there are many negative factors and that can make u disbelieve in love and the possibility of having someone who can be important, u must be open to the opportunities that life are giving u, because while u complain that opportunity may be knocking on your door without u know...

The opportunity to have someone who is willing to be the best it can be just to make u happy.

Someone who wants to color the world to show u that despite overcast clouds, the sky is blue.

Someone that tell u jokes even not being funny just to have a smile on my pocket. Someone who is imperfect want to be at your side whenever u need.

Love is not made of facilities, but it's a work in construction. Love is a work of art, remade, with blots and adjustments, as along the way is almost inevitable not to miss. More than that, we will make mistakes, since we always seek the best and learn from our mistakes.

Thus, the opportunity to love can be at your side, however, is not a finished diamond; is a rough stone that needs to be polished. And here's the problem, are u willing to take this job?

This problem is accentuated in contemporary society, in which endeavor to someone is seen as synonymous with loss of time or failure. But it is important not only to believe in love, but also accept that it is not always ready. And thankfully that does not come ready, because if it were, u would lose all the charm that is to put every stone that makes the road of the relationship a more beautiful way.

A beauty that is only when you can laugh along with the other. When the other through a look warms the heart. When the other is not the prettiest or the smartest; the more elegant or looks more like you. But when the other has a complicated life and a difficult genius. While the other, though it is willing to overcome all the problems only to be worthy of a love that makes the heart a place where you can hear the butterflies on your stomach...

Wanting to become worthy of love is difficult, and so many of us we miss opportunities to have the people that make our life a funniest place. We miss because we are unable to give up our self to make the other happy. We miss because we are afraid of us hold to dive into the universe of the other. We miss because we cower before someone who seems to love every cell of our body.

Someone who does not mind silly opinion. Someone who does not care about what others say.

Someone who wants to do everything possible not to let the opportunity pass. Someone who does not want to regret having thrown away the opportunity to be happy.

Therefore, it is necessary to leave to hear the opinion of others, give up preconceptions and take a lot of effort, because when there is love, the walk will never be easy. Do u know that are obstacles when you have someone who allows us to fly?

Also, you need one more thing: courage. Only those who love understand the meaning, for the courage headquarters is in the heart. Quality of those who understand that love is a rare opportunity in life and therefore cannot be missed. Quality of those who have courage to face the risks that loving someone can have, therefore, in the way there will have battles and wounds, there will be smiles with the gift of healing...

Jb... are you ready for this?!

I'm not promising to be easy... but it will be worth...

10TH APRIL 2016

Immy, I think I felt in love...

I think I always like him...

That's why you were so affraid of him, isn't?

The way I always talked about him.

The way it hurted me not talk with him because of you...

If when I meet him, thru you he didn't push me away... today I wouldn't be writing this, isn't?

Or my email would be mrsandmrraan Lol And I would be in same situation...

It doesn't matter... I feel really safe with him... even if I don't like he tells the true... but not in a wrong way that will hurt me...

Like you did...

I'm sorry to tell you, he is better than you... His heart... Gosh. .. His soul... just can't express it...

I like him even with his problems, I know he has a long way to walk to be the person I really need but time will tell...

24TH APRIL 2016

Jabran, Whats good in having sex with a lot of women and at bedtime you are alone? What's good in take over a million girls and put on the in the car if at the time the car breaks will have no one to walking with you on feet?... what good in have more grip fame and no loyal WOMAN?!

I think real man does not need several women, but one that truly complete him ...

Hey yaar, value your girlfriend, you know why? Because to open legs for you HAVE SEVERAL! Now to fight and suffer with you, you ONLY HAVE ONE. And have someone that loves you with all your faults, it is a great feeling...

What secure man isnt sex, if so, all the whores were committed, which holds the man is how he is treated ...

Every man needs a woman, especially in difficult times! Because as in a game of chess, the queen always protect her king.

25TH APRIL 2016

I don't want to forget this conversation... how can u lie this way, swear on Alia life?!

You are an horrible person...

I have acess to your acc, forgot?!

Immy: Hi, How r u? You didnt told me anything?

Filza: They block my acc, I can't move any money, I'm in a lot of pressure right now Immy: How can they block?

Filza: Cause it's from bank worker, I should have took the money of the acc, nobody told me Immy: I have to give him back, U know Filza: What part of I can't move the acc u don't understand?

Immy: But arrange to somewhere, when u have , u can give back who lend u, Today is 25 and u did promose of 20 Filza: Nobody is helping me, I don't have any help from anyone since I asked for divorce Filza: They are trying to prove that I can't survive alone. Do u understand that???

Immy: Okay but i broke my trust. And do u understand that?????

Filza: Not the first time u do that, isn't?

Immy: Em saying about him. Not about u Filza: There are people and there are garbage. Of course I understand Immy: Dont use rubbish language okay, I em saying with respect Filza: Rubbish Immy: Keep respect Filza: I'm not saying any rubbish, I'm saying your word is what it is Immy: What u mean by garbage people Filza: I'm talking about me: People is your bros, Garbage is ME That u don't need to worry about your word or promises, or anything, Isn't?

Immy: I didnt use any bad word about u Filza: Immy, Please, You break all the promises, U lied to my face Immy: Lied of?

Filza: I'm just garbage Filza: Of??? Us‌Everything about us. You broke all the promises Immy: Em nt saying about past, and i dont want to talk Filza: Past for u, Present for me Immy: Em just saying that u was in trouble and i lend from someone and i did promise to give back 20 , So i didnt give him yet Filza: And I'm saying that u destroy my life Immy: Dont talk about it Filza: Jess is going away on 30th, U know that?

Immy: U also destroyed my life Filza: I destroy??? Oooo I want to know that. How did I destroy?

Immy: Just let me , when u r giving back coz i have to info him. Ask urself u would find answer Filza: No, I don't find any answers, as I ask many times Immy: Then leave Filza: What I did wrong Filza: And I never came to u after fucking anyone, and I never lied about who I was Immy: No, U didnt do anything wrong Filza: And with who Filza: No, I didn't Immy: Yes u didn’t, please Filza: U know what u did Immy: Just let me , When u r giving back coz i have to info him Filza: I will inform you, Don't worry Immy: When?

Filza: I don't know, as I have also bills to pay, and I can't. I'm moving house and I can't pay Immy: Em just asking about myself Filza: It's all that matters, Is your problems, mine are just shit Immy: I didnt said this Filza: Then??? I have a lot of problems, and 25 kilos less, And pain, and u can't imagine

Immy: He just insult me many times just coz of his money Filza: Then transfer from there, I'm sure u have Immy: If i had, i would nt said u Filza: Immy, You think I'm stupid???You got married and that involves money so don't joke with me, I dont have. Okay Filza: Swear Immy: Swear Filza: Swear on Alia life Immy: Swear of Alia Filza: Ok. I will tell u today. When they will unlock my acc. I'm also waiting Immy: Plz. I dont want that he would call me again just for money. I need today Filza: I don't have. and I don't have anyone to ask Immy: Filza Filza: Immy Immy: Do u think that em stupid ?

Filza: I'm sure u aren't Immy: Then dont joke, Okay?

Filza: Or u wouldn't played that well with me. Joke???

Immy: U r a dramatic and u know well that Filza: I don't have anything to loose. Wanna fight???

Immy: No no no. Why would i fight? And for what?

Filza: [25/4, 12:56] Immy: Do u think that em stupid ?

Filza: Now I don't delete Immy: Plz em waiting for ur reply Filza: I will let u know Immy: Okay Filza: Bye

I'm really over you... I don't want to delete this..

I want to remember everything when you return, I wish I could only change the email address...

I'm so lucky... I found out about you this time and not later...

You are an horrible person... how could I not see that? How could I have been so blind?

I have to thank you, someday I will... what doesn't kill you make you stronger, isn't?

MAY SELF LOVE…

4TH MAY 2016

Gosh, this isn't easy...

I break up with Jb...

What I want and what he wants are different... and I'm not willing to do the same mistakes again...

I learned with you and I learned to respect myself... Thanks for that‌

12TH MAY 2016

Gosh! I don't know what is going on with me...

I'm not feeling well...

My head says something, my heart another...

Should I wait for you? To see what are your feelings?

Should I just let you go?

It's been so long since we last spoke to each other...

I don't know what is going on with you...

I don't have a way to know...

Is there a baby in Alia already?

Did you forgot me? Or you are hurting for me too?

It's one of those days... that I feel a bit more..

13TH MAY 2016

And when you kill any rest of love...

Immy: Jumma Mubarak Filza: Lol Filza: Now? Immy: Then?

Filza: I quit Filza: Talking with you Filza: And swear I wouldn't write again...

Immy: Ok Filza: What is going on?

Filza: Why life is being so hard with me?

Immy: Dont know, Its ur life and u know better Filza: I just need to finish it Immy: Do Filza: Cause I can't handle it Immy: Then do Filza: Yeah... that's what I'm going to do...

Filza: Thank you

14TH MAY 2016

Yesterday I was at hospital… I took more than 100 pills…

I’m not even good at killing me…

I’m feeling so empty… I don’t see a reason to live… I’m trying on hold on on Jess, like I did this last 5 years… but yesterday, after what you said… I just win some guts…

I’m not seeing any light at end of the tunnel and I’m starting to believe that This too not shall pass…

17TH MAY 2016

C’mon… Ali is hitting on me?! Really?!

PAK boys in the world, let me breath…

I like Ali, a lot… but not that way… as a yaar… bhai… not like that… I tell him everything… how can he hit on me?!

I don’t know what is going on… I can’t change boyfriend every time I’m not happy… I have to learn how to be alone….

26TH MAY 2016

My cellphone beeped saying you were arriving tomorrow… are you???

Before you lefted we made plans for this weekend, remember?

Going to Massaca, spending some days there…

Our place…

Everything change since 17th February… the day you left…

My life is completely diferent… I change a lot… I had to coop with a lot of pain, I never thought I could survive this… really…

I had days I don’t know how I got out of bed… but I did… I’m stronger now…

I can be sure, even not dating anyone right now, that I’m not coming back with you…

JUNE HOLY MONTH…

5TH JUNE 2016

JB, I think you are beautiful even with a simple sweater or sweaty after the cricket match ...

I wait for you. I'm always anxious to see you and i just call you to say that I miss. To say that love you and I die of attraction for you. I can do you caresses and scratches you never lived and I can kiss your entire body... When I discuss with you because I'm jealous or that you not give me attention is for fear of losing you...

7TH JUNE 2016

B., Please do not let your hope in honest love to be overturned by those who live to proclaim, shouting that love is only an illusion.

Don't let, in any way, that the lies put out newly discovered your faith in the existence of sincere people and willing to fight tooth and nail so that the truth (words without masks and selfish interests) walk free.

Dont autorize even with a gun pointed at you, that your ability to believe in free care is broken by the kicks that are of a hollow chest and killed by reading the barbarities that, unfortunately, are recurrent in each day's newspaper.

And even if all around you become dishonest beings and able to kick without fault, someone else's head. B., do not feel smaller for being the only (or a few) starting with the end of the line and not to enrich, corruptly, from day to night.

Do not feel coward when you opt to eat crow, imprison blasphemies and, wisely, run far away from confusion.

B. in running each morning along with the sweat expels of your pores, for the sake of your health, also expels the most dangerous poisons that someone may contain: the desire for revenge and envy those who have more.

Stop, once and for all, to retaliate because doing so often instead of a noble attitude, you will end up copying a nasty attitude.

If your friend does not search for you instead from doing the same and contribuires for the cooling of a friendship, be responsible for the reunion: alloy, invites and goes to him. And then if you're doing the greatest effort? Always remember the invaluable friendships.

Do not be fooled by pills sold as if they were true trips to paradise. When, by chance, even without a penny in your pocket you need to travel: read a poem of Leminski or a short story by Cortรกzar.

Do not be so afraid of death but, please, give more value to life and do not rely so much on the supposed existence of tomorrow.

Once a year, if you can, for a week hiding the clock, calendar and phone. And unlike what you do in your normal routine, give voice to command your instincts: forget the lunch hour and eat only when you are hungry; not t make you sleep after the novel and closes his eyes only when you are sleepy; allows you the luxury from doing only what you feel comfortable and denying you to perform any task that normally you do for money, career or resume.

7TH JUNE 2016

I realize that to be happy with another person, you need, first, to not need that person.

Also that if someone that i love does not want anything with me, it's definitely not the one in my life. I need to learn to like, to take care and especially to love who also loves me.

The secret is not to chase butterflies ... You take care of the garden so they come to you. In the end, you will meet not who you were looking for, but who was looking for you!

If you really admired me and had interests that are not just sexual or financial, the first people you would want me to introduce would be your family and your friends. You invited me to live a relashionship away of the family, away from the main friends and out of reach of all that part of your intimate and social life, and for that I can be sure of one thing: you have no future plans with me.

Because when someone is proud or at least admire a person, that person makes a point of saying to the world that is a fantastic person next to you‌

13TH JUNE 2016

Pyar, I think I want to marry... I really want... I want the American dream... 2,5 kids, a house with a garden, a dog and mostly a man who will challange me everyday and make me feel in love with him every single day...

That's what I need...

A dream wedding... at the beach...

16TH JUNE 2016

Jabran Bashir, You can find you the most unlucky man on this planet, but if you looked at me, you would notice how much luck in your life you have.

You already noticed in the brightness of my eyes when I see you? And the beauty that it has?

And the smile on my face that looks like a ray of light (Kiran) ready to illuminate any darkness?

Jb, you should realize how much i wanted you around? How much efford I did to give you, day after day, any reason to have you around…

Oh, boy ... If I was you I would tremble at the thought of losing me. Take it from me, i'm not in any corner of life. And I expect you to know also that there are many men out there who would give anything to be in your place. Do not give luck to chance. Take care of me, of you and of us too.

Forget the idea of perfection, it goes far from it. I'm human. Made of flesh, bone and love. So much love... I make mistakes, I do things I should not do, I say things that I should not talk. But when I trust I'm firm. But when I distrust, then the thing complicates.

I'm also paranoid, I know. I see things where, apparently, there is nothing. But believe love, I have my reasons and I have an absurd fear of losing you. I do not think that is because of insecurity, but because you dont say the right words when I need.

But I chosed you and gave myself, my body and soul and my heart, but occasionally,I tremble in fear of you break my heart, knowing that if it is to happen, will happen. But I prefer to believe that somehow I have some power over it…

I know that there are also many other women out there who want you too, but none come close to what it is and what it can mean for you. And that's why you can not take the chance of letting me escape out for pure carelessness.

I'm warning you, it will be one of the biggest mistakes of your life and even if you are one of those who swear not to regret anything in this world, believe, you will carry that regret indefinitely.

JB, I love every detail of you. I have a lot to teach you and a lot to learn from you too. I understand you at necessary moments, understand your lack of time and the need to sometimes be alone. Cause if you have me you'll never be really alone. Im the type of woman to stay at your side in the best and worst moments. I can stand firm, do not worry. I'm willing to do anything to have you always with me, so we can life happy ever after.

But it's necessary that you're willing to do that too. Luck does not usually knock twice. And believe me, you took the good fortune for having me next to you.

If I was you I made sure to frequently remind me how much you love me and how lucky you are to have me. In fact, if I were you I would do it now…

Trust me, love, you just have to gain from it...

20TH JUNE 2016

B., The day wasnt that good...

I lost my phone :( I really loved that phone... for me it was like the best gift my parents gave me... I had the chance to exchange for other phones... but I was resisting... a lot...

I had it for almost 2 years, since I arrived here... and it had a lot of memories on it... it was my little diary... I would do everything there... even with the laptop at my side, I would use the phone...

Normally Im not attached to things... objects... you know the best gift I received in my life was a butterfly? Really, a butterfly... because I love butterflys and only someone who knows me understand the meaning of a butterfly to me...

You know the meaning of the butterfly?

I relate the butterfly's stages of life to our own life-phases...growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability, moments of miraculous expansion...

From egg, to caterpillar, emerges in her unfurling glory.

to

cocoon,

and

from

the

cocoon

the

butterfly

Image the butterfly as your soul, we are all on a long journey of the soul, isnt?

On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey's end we are inevitably changed, not at all the same as when we startedon the path.

We can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly...

When Jess left to Portugal, I gave her the butterfly... she was so happy... you should see her eyes... she also love butterflies... She tells me shes my butterfly and Im her pinguin...

I am a penguin, really... you know why?

Most of the times I feel awkward or out of place. A pinguin is a bird who does not fly. This is breaking out of standardizations, isnt?

It implies thumbing our noses at convention and the "norm" of society.

When I feel out of place, I think of a penguin energy may help me accept my differences.

Embracing what is unique about who I am, whether society accepts it or not.

Penguins remind me that even though we might think we "should" be a certain way - we can certainly go a different path and adapt to being ourselves in beautiful ways...

Gosh... I was talking about my phone... see why I created this e-mail? ´cause I have so much to tell you and so little time...

I want you to know me... my real me...

21TH JUNE 2016

B.,

I know you are busy... I really dont like to disturb you... I know you are working and at home you are also busy.... and its Ramdam...

Im trying not to be the person I normally am... and just disturb you and dont think of the surround... but its fucking hard...

22TH JUNE 2016

B., Its so dificult wanting to talk with you and i cant...

Im always affraid of calling you...

And i want to ask you so many things...

Your daugher name, your bday, the biggest lie you ever told, your deepest fear, the longest night you ever spent, the girl you swore you'd never leave, the sweetest dream you ever had, your darkest hour, your hardest fight...

I want to know you...

I want to know the saddest song you ever heard, the most you said with just one word, the loneliest prayer you ever prayed, the truest vow you ever made, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry. what makes you mad, what gets you by, you highest hight, your lowest low, these things are some of the things I want to know...

But i dont have chance to ask you...

I really want to know you, like i know myself...

Im just hoping for Swaz Day... Cause i want a day like when we meet... That i can just know you...

And i really loved that sweetest person...

And gosh... I want to keep asking you things...

Your favourite color, song, do you believe in life outside the planet?

B., i know Im crazy... I know... Its weird... Why i have this need to know you and learn more about you...

I dont know what you think of me... This Last weeks... Do you want to know me? Cause i want you to know me... I want to tell you all these things about me...

And i want to fight... I want to express my ideias...

I want to play... Stupid Kids games... Have our own language... Not portuguese, urdu or english...

Our codes... Like a mix of the 3 languages, that only us understand it...

Im feeling butterflys on my stomach... And its all your fault...

22TH JUNE 2016

Immy...

I dont know what is going on with me... Im feeling so down today...

I miss having you, the feeling of being with you, our crazy conversations... the codes... wait wait wait wait... or 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... Eu Pyar you... that relationship that was builded with so many passion (from my side, at least)...

Im trying to create that feeling again... but its impossible isnt?

B.. JB,‌ Khurram, Alie, Farhan, Murat... gosh... my list could go on...

Yesterday Ali asked me for you... he didnt say when will Immy coming back, he sayed, when is your truelove coming back... i told him to fuck off... there is no truelove... only disapointment...only sadness and a big hole in my chest...

B. just called me... he is so nice... i think maybe... maybe he can be the one... the hole is smaller... but I dont understand him... I have to wait until end of Ramadan I guess...

We are making plans to go Swaz... that would be so cool...

JB... gosh, how I wish I could delete him from me... he is like super badboy...

Ali... how can he try to have sex with me, knowing that I like B.? Knowing that he was responsable for B. entering my life?

I have to clean my life from people who are wrong for me isnt? and that means you too... all the Immy group must be deleted...

22TH JUNE 2016

JB, I loved you as far as I was allowed to love, but I ended up realizing I saw only love where there was nothing...

Today I still love you, but now I understand that moving on is a matter of self-love and not a simple choice.

I'm tired of hearing that who loves and truly like someone does not give up of that person ... I realize it does not always work that way, because I gave up...

I gave up not because I don't like you, but because I realized that there were no conditions to continue to love you and that I was the only one to fight for everything to be perfect.

I gave up simply because I realized that I never existed in your life and with that, I realized that insisting on something that has no future is like running and keeping on the same place.

"I love you and one day I'm gonna prove it," these are the words that you pronounce over and over. "One day", "One day", "One day"..

How many times I sayed: "I love you and I miss you,"? And your answer was always that you dont have time..

I think we just played being girlfriend and boyfriend... when you had time for me...

All words was just spoken from the mouth out, because who loves not live as a pretext to justify their failures and absence only.

I decided to change and move forward, give the opportunity to someone who wants me as much as I ever wanted you, discover new horizons, new landscapes, new loves ... It costs, but a thousand times that than to submit to someone who is empty, inconstant and selfish by nature, which has no love for anyone but for yourself ... you need delude and deceive to feel bigger and better.

Im not going to waste time with someone who doesnt want to change, because this will never happen, but there is a beautiful saying "Hope is the last to die", you may get lucky... someday... with someone else...

23TH JUNE 2016

B, I'm not interested in who you were, I just want and need to know who you are, and who you are willing to be.

I do not need to know your bank account, you do not need to like the same kind of things that I do and not even need to learn to play guitar to make me serenades.

I only ask you not to try to deceive me, do not make me create false expectations ... do not make me wait, do not think that I will run after you - beside me only is with me who wants me and who I want .

If your will is to leave, you know where the door is, and it is open all the time. But if you choose to stay, do not make me wait for an attitude or a call that your will never make.

Do not be another one of those people who need to lose something to give value. I like personality, do not be swayed.

I do not expect you to do all my wills, or that you read my thoughts ... I just hope you to be someone worth, the person who makes the difference.

I'm different, so do not be like so many others I've seen out there. The most important person in our life is not one that comes first, but one that does not leave the next exist.

I accept you as you are, just ask you to be not just another one of those people that goes through my life and not let homesickness.

26TH JUNE 2016

Immy, Its been a long time since i felt happy, but today i really am...

And i want to thank u for that... if i didnt pass thru all i did i wouldnt see happiness when its in front...

So i just want to tell u i forgive u.

What doesnt kill u make us strong ...

And im stronger today...

I realize that happy moments arent the ones that u have to fight to get them its exactly the oposite. It taste so good when u Just dont plan things and have a perfect moment.

And a perfect moment isnt expensive or anything like that. Its sit with someone and talk things you didnt even knew...its so confortable just dont be affraid of loosing anything or anybody cause i have a diferent opinion.

Its having someone who pays for your tรกxi... really... that was fucking amazing... I dont remember having this feeling in my Life... Its like saying : dont Worry I will protect u.

Im Always so busy protecting myself and knowing that someone is willing to protect me and just take care of my problem... Its soooo good...

Its good to be independent and dont have to give an explaination to anyone but its better to receive a msg asking if i arrive home safely... Its same that saying i care for you... again, something i never felt...

Really, I forgive you... In this holy month having someone to forgive u must give u some points... be happy as im happy too.

I dont know what the future reserved me, but im sure its good feelings like today...

27TH JUNE 2016 v_2

Immy, "I love coincidences. I love simple things.

I love that in the second that you cross my mind coincidentally the phone rings. Love the middle of the day listening to you unexpectedly. I love a "love you" that comes without reason. I love what I'm not waiting.

Love the coincidence of the simple things. And you!"

I sent you this last year... its from a book I love...

2nd december 2015...

I was reading our old conversation... gosh, im crazy... now I can see that... you had to run away from all that craziness... like, i didnt gave you any space... all the time Love you. miss you, i want to see you... and than fighting...

But I couldnt stop laghting of your patience... like... sometimes you would explode and say... are you reading what you are talking??? Are you crazy??? And I would say, yes I am... but really, I didnt understood I was putting you in that stress... we were all the time chatting... how did I work?! For real??? I was all the time saying I dont have time in job... now I know why....

On the other day Farhan was saying you were always chatting with me on the phone when you were working there... thats why I started reading old chat... to see if it was true...

FUNNY, I LOVE COINCIDENCES... you just start chating with me on whatsup... you want job? fight for it... not going to get you job... FUCK YOU!

27TH JUNE 2016

B, I cant sleep... you just went from hero to zero in a second...

I didnt ask you to meet you... cause I know its Sunday and its family day... you were the one who said you were coming...

I waited all day... I went to walk so time would go faster... cause if I keep myself at home, time wouldnt help me...

I waited until you had time to talk with me... just looking at whatsup... all the fucking time... just to see if maybe I missed a message... but you dont see that... if i talk with you im disturbing you... if I dont talk, im thinking I should... so I feel bad all the time... cause I dont know what to do... how to behave... yesterday i was so happy... just cause we had that time... Im happy with crumbles... im really trying to behave here... Im thinking right now Im feeling empty inside but in the future I have like 10% of chance being happy...

You said, "All time u busy tellng me u have alot of guys", its not true... Im tell you my reality, as a friend to another... cause I want us to be more than anything else friends cause that its the pillars to everything else... that Im fighting here a lot... ´cause Im feeling alone all the time... and Im feeling a lot of pain here... you cant imagine how much pain... and it would be really easy just let me go with the flow, fuck some guys and for some time the pain, the emptiness would disapear...

But Im fighting here cause I want something that will make me happy forever... not in short time... and u cant just came for an icecream with me...

Maybe I should hear your cousin... he advice me to let you go... and for the 3rd time Im saying him Im going to fight... first 2 times I got hurt... how fool I am?! am I doing same mistake 3 times?

I cant have my heart broken again... Im not this strong...2 months ago I took more than 100 pills and had my stomach washed... cause I couldnt handle the pain... I just needed to stop it... so for the first time Im going to listen to your cousin advice and Im letting go... cause I cant fight alone... I cant keep fighting myself to behave and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...

Its all dark... I cant see what is coming...

I went for ice cream by myself... and I will keep doing that as long I can handle the pain... well. see you in my dreams... cause it was the only think I had... a dream...

28th june 2016

I still do not know anything. If what you promised is true or false. If what we have will last forever or if its just a thing. I just know that I dont want to lose you.

I do not know if you'll be with me forever as i wished. I would like that as I never wanted anything in life. Spend every day of the rest of my life next to you... to support your bad morning mood to bear your tantrums, your attention call and your moments in need.

I need your hugs as ever needed anything. and I need your love to live...

JULY BEING ALONE…

3RD JULY 2016

Yesterday I completed 34 years...

You sent me such a nice message...

"Filza, You have changed a lot and became strong more then yesterday and Im happy for that.

Many, many happy returns of the day.

May Allah make your all wishes true and never give u any trouble in ur Life" you always been good with words, isnt?

B, just sent me a message saying "Happy birthday" Jabran called me at mightnight sayed: "happy bday, have a nice day" I decieded not to go to Swaz...

I decieded Im over with the shallow relanships... at my 35 bday I want to wake up with someone at my side and giving me a kiss of good morning, saying "Happy bday my love lets have an amazing day"...

Not messages nor phone calls... I want to forget my cell at home and dont give a shit about it...

4TH JULY 2016

I read this and remembered of me, an inspiration: Dear girl who's been replaced, Just because he's already with a new girl, that doesn't mean you should feel like you've been replaced because the truth is it's impossible to replace you. He might think she's prettier than you, he might think her personality is better than yours, and he might think he's more compatible with that girl than he was with you, but don't let him take away how special you are in your own way, how unique you are in your own right, and how amazing you are in your own light. You shouldn't look at her and feel ugly, you shouldn't compare yourself to her and feel like you aren't good enough, and you shouldn't see how he loves her and hate yourself for it. He might not be able to see what you're worth, but you should know what you worth. He might not be able to recognize your value, but you should be able to recognize what your value is. He might not be able to realize what you deserve, but you should be able to give yourself what you deserve. Sure, he's already with another girl, but that doesn't mean you have to already be with another guy, too.

Right now is the time for you to find yourself and pick up the pieces of yourself that were left broken by him. You don't need to be worrying about guys, let alone one who doesn't care about you anymore. I know you're feeling vulnerable, but don't be so quick to fall for the next guy who's there for you because you aren't ready to be with someone at the moment. If he's already happy because of another girl, good for him. He's no longer your problem. He's her problem. Let her deal with what kind of guy he truly is when she eventually finds out. Just focus on yourself, do you, and eventually you'll be the reason why you're happy.

Sincerely, A guy who cares Words by: Teddie Nguyen

5TH JULY 2016 Let me explain you how it is to be me: My brain, physically speaking, is different.

I'm not retarded or anything like that but my brain is 16% smaller volumes of the hippocampus and 8% smaller volumes of the amygdala than the healthy controls.

Basically i have smaller frontal lobe...

That means my emotions spike quicker, higher, and last longer than “normal” people, once i get triggered, i quickly go into a fight or flight response.

My internal response is more intense and lasts longer than most people. It feels like my adrenaline is coursing through my body, my heart is rapidly pounding and my thought processes are focused only on defending myself, running or on dying.

I can't think logically at this times because my emotions over-ride cognitive ability On top of all that, it takes a very, very long time to calm down, which is one of the reasons why many times i selfharm – to try to stop feeling that way.

Thats why sometimes i feel … HAPPY! but mostly i feel ...SAD … AFRAID … ANGRY … HOPELESS … IN PAIN …

EMPTY… ALONE … if you could see inside me, you would know i feel like i’m dying. I keep it all inside and it only comes out when i’m all alone... that's why I hate to be alone...

Im so affraid of being abandoned that i start to surfer in anticipation…

Studies indicate that my pain is similar to a 3rd degree burning... as I never had 3rd degrees burning I don't know if it's true... but you can understand the point?

5TH JULY 2016_After Ramadan To every guy that is texting me because Ramadan is over... my answer will be the same...

Like i promised to myself enough of shallow relationships...

If your answer is to this pictures is: let's see, my reply will be: who promised you tomorrow?

I know for most of you, what I'm saying here doesn't make any sense, but believe me it does... a lot...

6TH JULY 2016

Gosh, people judge others by they cover isn't? Know someone before judge them...

Wanna know? I sleeped with 3 guys this year... all out of love... never had sex... I made love...

And it hurts to be judge...

Do you understand what is written on the picture?

I will translate... and put it a bit more my way... I didn't wrote that, but I feel exactly the same...

My dream is that he catches butterflies for me...

That his smile makes me smile back, that his arms are strong enough to hold me tight... I need a shoulder where I can cry and after that sleep...

I want him to have that naughty look and play like a child with me... Like we were both kids...

I want his heart to jump faster just from hearing my name... and I want to have that special place in his heart, where he calls me his knowing that I will always be his...

And everyone, please don't judge me for who you think I am... I'm searching for my king... and sometimes I feel lost...

Immy was someone who I had dreams with, wasn't the person I thought he was... he really broke my heart and believe me it's still broke... but I know the person that can help me fix it isn't him... cause that person who broke my heart didn't exist... so future king of my life, this is for you... don't be afraid of being with me... I'm not going to break your heart cause of him...

And then Jb, I thought I could fix Mr bad boy into a good boy... cause, gosh... he made me feel special... he catched the butterflies, had the naughty look and played with me like kids... but that shoulder, that space on his heart... he didn't gave me... I'm still fighting to forget... cause I really felt special... and he help fix part of my heart and made me breath when I forgot how...

He help me let go of that stupid dream... and if today I can get out of bed and breath it's cause he was there... seing the sunrise with me...

But let's be honest here... he will never change... not for me, not for anyone... the person that he deserves is the one who will change for him... accept him like he is... cause he is special... sweet as honey, under that bad boy cover.

But the same way I need my king he needs his bad boy cover... so what I want and what he wants are diferent. .. I know that since 4th May 2016... and I keep forgetting...

And 3rd player here is B... nothing happened between us... I never gave him a hug, do you believe? I had to steal 2 kisses on the face... his like Mr Perfect... I doubt that anything will happen... and he could be my King, my true love... but I can't steal his jannah. ..I can't be that selfish... he is pure... and if I start messing with his head... he will loose it... and I read If you really love someone and it's meant to be... it won't be haram. .. it will came to you as halal...

I'm sorry, dear readers if you don't understand what the fuck I'm talking about... learn Islam Lol...

So... I'm crazy... I know that. .. but I'm not a fucking whore. .. (again reader, if you are one, nothing against you )...

This is weird, having my thoughts expose like this... but it's so good to share... have feedback from people who feel the same or had the same experience...

Good night... sweet dreams... my king...

6TH JULY 2016

Future King of my life, I wish that this Eid brings u All days with happiness All weeks with prosperity All months full contentment And mostly I wish you for all your life, peace and love. ..

And of course, that I can be part of it...

7TH JULY 2016

I dont understand why people play with others feelings... really...

Dont want - tell them you arent interested Not coming - say it and explain why Dont like - dont give hope to the other Dont ignore the person, dont pretend...

That creates expectations that you cant keep... and it hurts...

Be clear, dont say you will see, cause you are giving them Hope...

9th July 2016

I'm feeling blue... I feel like happiness is so far from happening... and I can't understand why I'm going thru this, why me...

Everything looks so dark, like a rainy day and I can't go out look for the rainbow... and when I start thinking that maybe it will stop raining a storm comes out on the street and no sun for me...

I'm in this dark place where it rains outside but only for me... cause for everyone else it's a beautiful sunny day and pool and beer and shrimps. ..

How can I live my life looking at the window and how can I make my garden for the butterflies to came if it's only mud... it's not possible, is it? To built a garden out of mud...

Maybe I have to change perspective and try to build a lake... but lakes have frogs... not butterflies... and I don't want a prince I want a King...

Am crazy... to believe in butterflies and kings and the perfect person... cause he got married already isn't? And living his own fairy tale...

I should have built that lake years ago... when I needed a prince...

Just going through a lot right now. .. more that I can handle. ..

10th July 2016

B. Send me this message...

"Hard Times Are Like a Washing Machine, They Twist, Turn & Knock Us Around, But In The End we Come Out Cleaner, Brighter & Better Than Before..!!"

And after that he called me asking if I was ok... we didn't talk much the line was terrible... Wanna know the true?

I don't sleep cause when I sleep I have nightmares, the sheets in my bed and my pajama became all wet and I'm full of cold with goosebumps.

When I'm awake the pain is so big that crying out loud is the only solution to release the pain...

Yes B, I was online all night listening to songs... one in particular... Inshallah... you know that song... it gives hope and tell you to have Iman... That This too shall pass...

When we meet, remember? I was high... and I couldn't stop talking... you didn't even smoke a cigarette... and you where there sitting in front of me really listening me... I start talking about this tattoo I have in my arm "this too shall pass " and you knew everything about it... you knew about the king, the ring, the meaning... and I was fucking amazed about it. .. I kick everyone of the room, remember? As a Jatti...

Everyone went to smoke to another room and we talked a bit... and are you an angel?! That came to give me Iman? Cause it looks like... Like today... That message looked like you knew what I been thru this night...

It was so hard... but I survived... and there were moments I thought in quitting everything... just finish everything for good...

11th July 2016

Fuck!

Just received this message of B "My day will be nice bcoz i feel that u wekup with smile and happy" Portugal won the Euro... had an amazing night... hope, butterflies, rainbows, everything I was deserving... cause Portugal won a cup???

Its not just a cup my friends, its hope, its soul, its love, its homeland, fatherland, its home, its fado, spirit, language and culture!

We been big... we were kings... we were the center of the world! Heros! And feeling that taste again... gosh... its fucking amazing!

11th July 2016

I know I see rainbows and butterflies everywhere... but really there was a butterfly that kiss Ronaldo on the forehead when he started to cry??? For real??? Cmon... that's amazing...

I know I'm crazy, but the butterflies help me...

13th July 2016

I'm not OK. .. I'm in a lot of pain... I can't breathe or stop crying... I don't have anyone to talk about it... I really don't know what it's going on with me...

14th July 2016

Yesterday I wasnt OK... I couldnt stop crying... I was felling really down... like there's no light at the end of the tunnel... and i really wanted to quit... i really thought in finish everything...

I talked with B... he told me to go to hospital... B. really?! You didnt learn anything? What would they do to me on hospital? Give me pain killers? cause the pain I was feeling isnt real... not real, real... its inside and horrible but... not real...

I called JB, I really didnt want to talk with him... but he knows how to calm me down... he said, "look around, do you think you are the only person with problems? Wanna see real problems?

How many people dont have nothing to eat, children?! how many people can't work and you are crying for what?"

Fuck you, JB... but he is so correct...

I got up and return to job...

17th july 2016

I dont know how to say this... I dont know if i believe its true... cause it looks too amazing...

10th July i had a date with a really sweet guy ... he invited me out so many times and at the last minute something would happen and i would cancel.

At 10th he called me and sayed it was the last time he would call me and he was ready to delete my nr ... honey, i really didnt notice i was being this bad to you... I label him as badboy and wasnt expecting much of him...

But we had an amazing Sunday... really cool... beach... he try to hold me and we felt on the sane... and looked at the stars... saw stars lol...

Portugal won and it was amazing...

Amazing night...

We meet yesterday again... I was with expectactions too high... cause of last sunday... and it was better than i was expecting...

We talk so much, really talked ... not shallow conversation... and he asked me to be his girlfriend... not girl friend, girlfriend. .. see the difference? Its really diferent... its like urdu for yaar and yaara... buddy or my everything...

I said yes ... but im so afraid... that this isnt real ... like he is just playing games... searching for easy sex...

I didnt had sex with him yesterday... im going to try to hold on a bit... know him better... trust him...

And i need to delete every other guy from my Life if i want this too work...

I was so worried chasing the butterflies that i didnt saw my Garden full of them...

18th July 2016

In 10 days you will return... there are bets going on on who will call who first, and if we are going to meet on the day you arrive Lol Im not in a hurry...

I Just want to sit with you and talk a bit ... I think i deserve a closure. I deserve a sorry i didnt handle well the situation, sorry i hurt you...

And we can move with our lifes...

19th July 2016

Today isnt a good day... i couldnt get out of bed ...

Its being extra hard... im remembering things i already thought id forgot... but guess i didnt...

I still have my hearth broken... you know that? Its been 5 months ... and it still hurts ...

9 days... 9 days until you return... I want to scream how much i hate u... how much u hurt me... I dont want to forget anything....

But part of me just want your hug and feel your smell... gosh... I already forgot it...

I saw jb, when I went to visit a client... at least i was looking good... he was with Ali...

Also saw B... he told me I was looking really beautiful today, and that when I smile I became more beautiful… and also that I’m looking smarter than Friday…

I don’t know why, but I keep loosing weight… Im eating, I stop smoking… 2 weeks now…

Im having so many bad days lately…

I know what i want... and im almost there... then why its so hard...

20th July 2016

I was trying not to write today... ´cause I dont want to confess something... Im counting the days...

I just want to see what I feel and get over with that...

Im tired... can I sleep until 28th?! I've been sleeping a lot this days... Since you left I was sleeping 4 to 5 hours max and this last days I think I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours, when I arrive home I just want to sleep... I'm sleeping at lunch break also... I dont know what is going on...

I just feel so tired...

Jb called me yesterday night, I was sleeping... he asked me if I wanted to go out, I said No... that I was sleeping... he told me to go to hell and disconnected... of course part of me wanted to accept... of course... but I remember that there is no future for us... that he isnt ready and probably will never be.

I know if we were together I wouldnt be counting the days, we would be seeing sunrises and he would be catching butterflys and I would see rainbows everywhere... but that doesnt last... unfortunatly...

I really wish I could have stop time on that first day we saw the runrise... it was so amazing... he gave me something (I dont know what it was) to smoke and I was laughting like crazy... and I start talking and he was listening and laughting so much... we agreed that our relashionship would be 51% him, 49% me, and the door?! Gosh... I forgot... he would open me the door and I would open him the door...

I really dont have a bad memory of him... and its dificult cause of that...

How could I let him go like this??? Not ready? I should live the day... and stop thinking of the future... on others, the important was the way he was making me feel, and it was amazing...

21th July 2016

I don’t understand you B. for real…

Like I sayed on 7th July: I dont understand why people play with others feelings... really...

Dont want - tell them you arent interested Not coming - say it and explain why Dont like - dont give hope to the others Dont ignore the person, dont pretend...

That creates expectations that you cant keep... and it hurts...

Be clear, dont say you will see, cause you are giving them Hope...

And yesterday again it happened: [20/7, 20:04] Filza: U know what i learned [20/7, 20:04] Filza: When u want something u always find time [20/7, 20:04] Filza: When u dont want u get excuses...

[20/7, 20:07] B.: Shame of your thinking [20/7, 20:08] Filza: Ok...

[20/7, 20:09] Filza: U dont want to change anything [20/7, 20:09] Filza: U are ok the way u are...

[20/7, 20:09] B.: I will call u towmorw [20/7, 20:09] Filza: Bye Shame on my thinking? For real? All noble B. don’t have time to talk with me, just send me quick messages and one time a month give me some crumbles…

C’mon, I deserve more than that…

He sent me a copy of my diary of day 17th July [21/7, 06:13] Filza: Lol [21/7, 06:13] B.: U are busy datng othrs and tryng with me also [21/7, 06:13] B.: Why [21/7, 06:13] B.: Lol [21/7, 06:13] Filza: No...

[21/7, 06:13] Filza: No [21/7, 06:14] B.: Keep one only [21/7, 06:14] Filza: Read well [21/7, 06:14] B.: I read all your dairy i wekup long time [21/7, 06:15] Filza: And u see my doubts [21/7, 06:18] Filza: You know that anything happen [21/7, 06:18] Filza: Between me and him [21/7, 06:18] Filza: Dont u?

[21/7, 06:19] B.: Hmmm [21/7, 06:19] B.: Ok i am not angry for this [21/7, 06:19] Filza: For this [21/7, 06:19] Filza: Lol [21/7, 06:19] B.: Its your own life u can do anything that u want [21/7, 06:19] Filza: I know [21/7, 06:20] B.: Ya [21/7, 06:20] B.: Did i wekup you ?

[21/7, 06:20] Filza: No [21/7, 06:20] B.: Immy is coming back ?

[21/7, 06:21] Filza: Im at aeropory [21/7, 06:21] B.: ?

[21/7, 06:21] B.: Helo [21/7, 06:22] Filza: Aeroport

[21/7, 06:22] B.: Why [21/7, 06:23] B.: Wher u going ?

[21/7, 06:23] Filza: Im going back to Portugal [21/7, 06:23] Filza: Bye [21/7, 06:23] Filza: Lol [21/7, 06:23] B.: Fuck u [21/7, 06:23] Filza: I came to leave my friend [21/7, 06:23] B.: Stupid joke [21/7, 06:23] B.: Ok [21/7, 06:24] B.: Immy is coming back ?

[21/7, 06:24] Filza: 28 [21/7, 06:24] B.: Ok [21/7, 06:24] B.: Nice [21/7, 06:24] B.: I read in your dairy [21/7, 06:25] Filza: If u read carefully [21/7, 06:25] B.: Ok see u letr [21/7, 06:25] B.: Ya [21/7, 06:25] Filza: U would know that i dont care [21/7, 06:25] B.: I was dnt kne sunshine its him so i conform [21/7, 06:26] B.: If u would not care will not write also [21/7, 06:26] B.: U care yes [21/7, 06:26] Filza: And that the diary its my doubts and feelings [21/7, 06:26] B.: I knw [21/7, 06:26] B.: Any way let me showr [21/7, 06:27] B.: See u letr [21/7, 06:27] Filza: Doesnt mean i will do...

[21/7, 06:27] Filza: Ok [21/7, 06:27] B.: Lol [21/7, 06:27] B.: Funny [21/7, 06:28] Filza: Like i say how many times im not going to call u??

[21/7, 06:28] Filza: In the diary???

[21/7, 06:28] B.: Lol [21/7, 06:29] B.: Same u will do with him [21/7, 06:29] B.: But ok [21/7, 06:29] Filza: Lets see [21/7, 06:29] B.: I knw [21/7, 06:29] B.: Ok [21/7, 06:29] Filza: Ok...

[21/7, 06:30] Filza: Im not going to fight about that [21/7, 06:30] B.: Its not fight [21/7, 06:31] B.: I am spking norml staf [21/7, 06:31] Filza: As i dont know how im going to react [21/7, 06:31] Filza: That is my biggest affraid [21/7, 06:32] B.: Hnmm [21/7, 06:33] B.: But dnt angry [21/7, 06:33] B.: Filza just stay with one people [21/7, 06:33] B.: Any one but with one [21/7, 06:34] B.: U will have respct also [21/7, 06:34] Filza: Its not like i can choose [21/7, 06:34] B.: Hmmm [21/7, 06:35] Filza: U arent available to be choose [21/7, 06:35] Filza: U know that?

[21/7, 06:35] B.: Ok [21/7, 06:36] B.: No [21/7, 06:36] Filza: No? [21/7, 06:36] B.: Any way [21/7, 06:36] B.: See u I sent him a copy of 6th July 2016 [21/7, 06:47] Filza: I dont write thinking anyone will read [21/7, 06:48] Filza: I dont even know what im going to write [21/7, 06:49] Filza: Before start to write....

[21/7, 06:56] B.: Lol

[21/7, 06:56] B.: Funny [21/7, 06:57] Filza: What is funny???

[21/7, 06:57] Filza: For real?

[21/7, 07:12] B.: Noting [21/7, 07:12] Filza: Ok....

[21/7, 07:13] Filza: Lets talk when u have time [21/7, 07:13] Filza: If u have time [21/7, 07:13] B.: I am going work then i will call u [21/7, 07:13] Filza: Ok U dont want me, but also I cant be with someone else? You know, you could be the one I would love and care and be my forever love and live happy ever after… but its you, who are always pushing me away…

I’m afraid, I’m afraid to be alone… you know that, don’t you?

That’s why I gave space to that guy… cause I’m afraid when Immy arrives I will be all alone and I will need to call him… to talk with him… I’m just preparing myself for the worse… if that happens and u aren’t there, like always, what am I going to do? Will I be able to be strong alone?!

You aren’t giving me any time, to prove myself worth of your time… you are reading my thoughts and not seeing the person I am… who I want to be and what I am trying to be…

You tell me, choose one and keep it… If I could choose, I would choose you, over and over… you know what I think of Immy, of Jb… and I want something real, I want someone who would look at me and would think that’s my girl and I love her… that will never happen with Immy or Jb and I’m thinking that will never happen with you too…

You said, this week we would have dinner, it’s Wednesday… you know that? You didn’t gave me a minute of your time, how will you give me time for dinner??

I know lately you are in a lot of stress, I know that… but what about me? Its missing a week to Immy to return, did anyone sit with me and asked me how I feel? ´cause I gave him a year of my life, my dreams were with him… and he really broke my heart… nobody thinks how I feel knowing that he is coming back? I can do something crazy here… I can kill him for what I did… people killed for less than this… but everyone is worried making bets and just sitting and waiting to see the show… WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS???

I feel like I’m going to explode with so much I have in here… everybody calls me and ask me, when will Immy came back… even Jb called me yesterday asking… cmon… really? He is your best friend, you should know… I’m nothing to him…

So, I just want to tell you something B… if you want me, say it, if you don’t, say also… don’t give me false hopes… cause I don’t know what to do…

There is Hope The more you learn about personality disorders the more you will understand that they are illnesses, with causes and treatments. People can improve with proper care. By seeking out information you can recognize the signs and symptoms of a personality disorder and help yourself or someone you know live a healthier more fulfilling life.

© Filza Faruk 2016