14 • January 29-February 4, 2011
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threatened to take daughter Louisa’s dollhouse to the Salvation Army if the girl didn’t perfect a difficult piano piece within a day) to the time she had her daughter complete 2,000 math problems a night until she regained her supremacy after losing a competition to a Korean classmate, Chua writes in her now infamous book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,’ that her daughters had to be No. 1, straight A (A- is not good enough) students in almost every subject. The backlash was swift and harsh — and it surprised Chua, who claimed the book was not intended as a “how-to” parenting book, but rather a parody of her own upbringing and how, when she attempted such tactics with her own children, she was ultimately humbled. “There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids’ true interests,” Chua wrote. “For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it’s a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.” Indictment Nevertheless, Chua’s indictment of “Western parenting” — a term she uses as loosely as “Chinese mothers” — and harsh standards outraged readers, prompting a barrage of criticism, even death threats. Perhaps American parents protest too much. As New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote in his response: “Chua plays into America’s fear of
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points in between. The book opens with a comedic performance about the kidney transplant by Balcita and her friend-turned-boyfriend-turned-husband, Charlie (aka Kidney Donor No. 2), with her brother (aka Kidney Donor No. 1) in a featured role. The humorous in-
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“There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids’ true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it’s a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.” Amy Chua Author, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" Larry D. Moore • © 2007
national decline. Here’s a Chinese parent working really hard (and, by the way, there are a billion more of her) and her kids are going to crush ours. Furthermore (and this Chua doesn’t appreciate), she is not really rebelling against American-style parenting; she is the logical extension of the prevailing elite practices. She does everything over-pressuring upper-middle-class parents are doing. She’s just hard core.” Indeed, it seems, Brooks himself hit a nerve. Americans have long been ridiculed in their own culture for their “extreme parenting.” Caricatures are everywhere — in books, TV, movies, the media — and are so funny because, well, they’re true. Chua hits American parents where it hurts — in their exalted sense of superiority and their nagging fears of lagging behind. So-called experts run hot and cold on Chua’s “Tiger Mother” techniques, but most seem to hedge their bets by calling for middle ground. “It's kind of extreme,” Jeffrey Seinfeld, a professor of social work at New York University, told the Los Angeles Times recently. “Kids need some veg time.”
troduction of such a serious illness is a reflection of the couple’s unique, loving and positive manner. Humor is a focal point of coping and healing during the very difficult times — and Charlie is often the instigator. He is the constant, the bright spot and Balcita’s biggest cheerleader in the book and in life. He nicknames her "Moonface" when he discovers the anti-rejection
Filipino reaction Filipinos on both sides of the Pacific also had much to say about Chua. After Balitang America TV featured Chua on its Jan. 21 broadcast to its 250,000 cable TV subscribers in the U.S., Filipinos in street interviews were asked for their reactions. Those interviewed uniformly thrashed Chua’s parenting methods and affirmed that they “respect their children” and asserted that “their children’s happiness is more important than their grades.” The San Francisco Unified School District recently conducted a study of how many parents attend parent-teacher conferences in school to discuss how their children are doing. The study found that at Bessie Carmichael Elementary School, with a 58 percent Filipino student population, only 17 percent of the Filipino parents cared enough about their children to talk to their teachers. Filipino-American Seattle educator Dr. Anthony Ogilvie studied the statistics of the California Standardized Test Scores for 10 urban areas and found that Filipinos in the sixth, seventh and eighth grades have the highest per-
medication in her kitchen and reads the bottle, which listed several possible side effects, including “a moon face complexion.” He thought it sounded pretty. Balcita shared the evolution of the book, which began during graduate school at the University of Iowa, where she pursued her master’s in fine art in non-fiction writing. “The book came out of a separate piece I did for The New York Times,” Balcita said in a recent phone interview from her home in Baltimore. “That piece came out of my thesis. Before that, I had written about cultural clashes, immigration and family, but friends at grad school told me that ‘this’ was the story people would want to read about.” The Filipino-American community, in general, tends to shy away from difficult health topics unless they are presented in a culturally appropriate, engaging and respectful manner. “Moonface” does just that, with Balcita’s ability to lovingly share some semblance of cultural clash and family as she expertly weaves FilipinoAmerican cultural nuances through life challenges — the choice of a college major, the not-so-subtle hints about life decisions, the trauma of the illness and family protectiveness and support before, during and after the illness. Balcita gives much credit to Filipino family values for getting her through the very scary process of the disease. She even captured her mother’s accent for a touch of authentic Filipino-American immigrant parent character. (Balcita’s mother, however, had “a problem with her character” and didn’t feel she spoke the way she was written.) Charlie’s love for Balcita, like that of her family, is unselfish, undoubting and unconditional. She is constant-
centage of students below “basic” among other Asian groups and Whites in both Englishlanguage arts and math, ranging from 19 percent to 37 percent. In the ninth through eleventh grades, 42 percent of Filipino students fall in the “basic” and “below basic” levels on the Star Math Test. “Perhaps the low scores can be excused by the belief of many Filipino parents that it is the teachers’ responsibility to teach, not theirs,” commented Rodel Rodis in a FilAm Network missive. “The parents’ job is to put food on the table and provide a comfortable shelter for their children and, by golly, they will do that even if it means taking on two jobs just to make ends meet. So, they have little or no time to help their children with their school work.” In his own humorous response in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Jan. 20, “Why Pinoy dads are superior,” U.S. correspondent Benjamin Pimentel gently mocks Chua: “I’m kidding, of course,” he wrote, referring to the essay’s headline. “I don’t really believe that. And I can’t believe anyone would claim that an ethnic group, a race, or a nation has the superior parenting
“I want readers to close the book and think, ‘Angela did it; now I can deal with everything.’” Rakesh Satyal Balcita's editor ly reminded of it — especially when he offers her his kidney without hesitation, even after knowing her for only a short time. Amusingly, when both families broach the subject of marriage — especially after Charlie offers his kidney — both revert back to comedy in order to side-step the issue. “I hope that people are left with two thoughts after reading the book,” Balcita said. "First, that laughter is a great way to get through difficult times and, second, that although it is difficult to accept the gifts of unconditional love and sacrifice — accept it.” Rakesh Satyal, Balcita’s editor at Harper Perennial, the book’s publisher, enthusiastically agreed. “I hope that readers will understand that laughter really is the best medicine,” she said. “That has become a cliché, but Angela shows subtly and undeniably how much humor and comedy help us through the worst times. I want readers to close the book and think, ‘Angela did it; now I can deal with everything.’” Balcita’s “Moonface” book tour includes Vroman’s Bookstore in Pasedena on March 3 and The Booksmith in San Francisco on March 8. The events also aim to heighten awareness of the National Kidney Donor Foundation Living Council and the tour is open to additional book dates and venues in partnership with kidney donor/disease organizations. “Moonface” arrives in bookstores on Feb. 1.
system … “Some say her essay at least sparked debate, discussion and reflection on an important topic,” he continued, “But I cringe at the thought that some parents, perhaps a young couple struggling for a framework for raising their children, may think Chua’s way is the only way.” (Pimentel’s entire essay is reprinted in this issue on Page 6.) A Tiger Mother's daughter speaks For Alicia DeLeon-Torres, a Filipino-American writer and frequent Filipino Press contributor — and a “1.5,” as she calls herself, or a first-generation, American-born child of Filipino immigrants — at least some of Chua’s strict parenting rang true. “Filipino-Americans of my generation had an experience not so different than that described by Amy Chua in ‘Tiger Mother’ — especially in the classical music arena. I’m one of them,” said DeLeon-Torres, only half joking. “Yes, I took nine tortuous years of classical piano lessons, complete with three to four hours of practice every day — including holidays.” That “torture,” she said, had no time off. “This would be ‘kicked up’ a notch during parties when my parents felt the need to have me perform three or four — or 20 — of the most difficult pieces for the extended family and close friends who were crammed into our living room,” she said. “My mom took a high sense of pride in this, until one of my aunts would ‘volunteer’ her daughter or son to play an even harder piece, usually with five sharps and with their eyes closed. My ‘Tiger Mom’ took this as an act of defiance and would ‘one up’ them by announcing that I would be performing ballet to the five sharp piece. I was double tortured.” DeLeon-Torres is herself
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look palpably very happy during the closing rites on a Sunday afternoon. What unfolds is a spirit-filled atmosphere, heady euphoria amidst joyful singing, embracing, kissing, many choked with tears as they extol God and thank their sponsors for a new found sparkle in their lives. The air of sweetness and hope is unmistakable as they cuddle up to read the love letters. They have again found their love for each other as a many splendored thing, keenly affectionate and glowing. Each one may be feeling an agape kind of love. Agape is not just something that happens; it is something that you make happen. Agape love is a personal act or commitment. It is overpowering, sacrificial, unselfish, forgiving, sympathetic, thoughtful, solicitous, sensitive, deep and abiding, a love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable, a love that addresses the feelings and needs of a loved one. It’s like Christ’s love for us — uncondi-
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tensely for so long. And ever since then, the image of Iran among most Americans has remained mostly negative. Traumatic as the emotional fallout of the hostage crisis was for Americans, some folks, including several former hostages (including the highest-ranking one) Bruce Laingen are now saying that it is high time to get over the Iran hostage crisis. They insist America’s interests are illserved by what prevails today. Of course, the 52 hostages, at least those still with us, will never forget the ordeal of their captivity in Iran. Thirty years on, the lesson should still be imminently clear. There is no such thing
“My friends and I have this conversation every blue moon. It’s therapy. Most of us are mellow parents with a tinge of the tiger because we all lived through torture of trying to get straight As, multitasking academics, family, friends, work and culture. We found that a few gaps in the tiger way of parenting.” ALICIA DeLEON-TORRES Fil-Am writer and mother the parent of a 21-year-old daughter and offered this assessment of the hangover of “Tiger Mothers.” “My friends and I have this conversation every blue moon. It’s therapy,” she said. “Most of us are mellow parents with a tinge of the tiger because we all lived through torture of trying to get straight As, multitasking academics, family, friends, work and culture. We found that a few gaps in the tiger way of parenting.” And her own daughter? “She lived,” said DeLeonTorres with a hearty laugh. Publicity is an author's best friend Whatever your opinion, Chua has — at the very least — achieved one goal of every writer: she’s selling lots of books — lots and lots of them. Currently on a book tour, Chua is an in-demand guest on talk shows (sometimes appearing with her daughters, who are quick to rise to their mother’s defense). Next week, Time will feature Chua in its cover story. At press time, her book is at No. 3 on Amazon (and rising) and No. 5 on the New York Times Best Sellers List of hardcover nonfiction as of Jan. 30.
tional, eternal love. The closing rites are capped by a renewal of nuptial vows solemnized by the priest. The last phase is the selection of class coordinators by the sponsors. The coordinators will prepare for the reunion and the next stages of the growth process. Reunions and prayer meetings are stimulants to keep the embers of love burning. Reunions are also musts. After several moon cycles some graduates stand out, show leadership qualities as they go through the growth process, socalled “postgraduate” courses, become covenanted and then presenters to a new batch of Marriage Encounter takers. Thus the encounter goes on and on, class after class after class, producing Christian disciples who enrich parish life. And each new batch of takers would again echo the same catchphrase: “Today is the first day of the rest of our life.” And it ends like a fairy tale. Those who are interested in taking the encounter should check your parish bulletin for the next schedule, or visit www.sf.lovemoredeeply.org. as “hard power” or “soft power” or “smart power.” There is simply power — judiciously and skillfully employed, with a will behind it that lends it credence to allies and gives pause to enemies and potential opponents. A fascinating aside to note is that during the crisis, Penelope Laingin, wife of the hostage charge d-affaires tied a yellow ribbon around a tree at her home in Maryland and a nationwide movement began. So, my dear readers, please do take the time to remember those Americans that are currently on foreign soil. The Iran hostage crisis was a 444-day object lesson — one I believe we, as Americans, would always do well to heed. Forget or ignore its lessons at your peril.