12
November-December 2012
LITERARY
Korina Camille F. Cue Literary Editor
T
houghts of going back to the park, memories I had with my Ma and Pa, and that lollipop I dropped when the Ferris wheel shifted its way to the top of the clouds linger in my mind; I swear I wanted to untangle them from every nerve of my brain. With the not-so-unusual scene, I fell asleep with melted morning glories. I woke up with a letter beside me. It’s from Mina. “Mark, you had your life spoiled with such dreadful memories. I tried to help you. For the past 5 years I was trying to traverse inside you. I tried to make you realize there is more to life than being depressed and miserable. Yet you keep living in the realms of your past. You need to do this alone. It’s only you that could brighten things up. You know that I love you, I always do, even with all the imperfections our relationship had. I’m doing this for the both of us. I’m going with Uncle Fin to Georgia. And probably by the time I come back, we’re already architects. And we’ll build the highest Ferris wheel ever.” I always knew that she doubtlessly loves me with all her heart, even though I’m incapable of giving back what’s just right for her. It’s just that I cannot let go of my past, and that it haunts me and prevents me from giving in to the idea of being in love again. I keep on telling her that I want to ride a Ferris wheel. She just won’t let me get in. She says she wants to protect me. She says she wants me to forget everything that happened in the past years of my life and the only way to do it is to kill the lingering frenzy of riding a Ferris wheel. We would go to the park every time. Mina and I always do it on dismal afternoons. Glances of it invite a little ecstasy in my heart. She knows it’s my way of filling up the desire of being inside the wobbly couches of the Ferris. After it, I feel a little much lighter. It’s like my past has just married my present, only that past is off to make some money to satisfy the unending needs of my present. It’s almost been three years since Mina went away. And there’s still no sign of her. I guess promises are really made to be broken. Maybe I’m not really worth coming back for. I truly understand why she didn’t come back. She waited for me to grow and get over all the ultimate dramas of my past life, but I didn’t. I just miss her so much. On a lurid morning, before I went to work, I passed by the fairground and checked out the Ferris wheel. It was Festival Day, and the rides were even more embellished with colorful banderitas. The axles of the Wheel seemed to me like magnets, pulling me over as they swiveled. That time, I felt like I was ready to get in and drown into the memories of my family, of how they died while riding the Ferris wheel. I bought three tickets, one for me, one for Ma and one for Pa. I was about to rip the two tickets, believing they were the air around me, ready to catch the tickets and finally take a ride with me. But as swift as the roller coasters drifted into the air, I was obstructed to do so. My hands were in tremor and the only sight my eyes could perceive was the usherette in front of me, yelling at me like I broke her precious vase. So I got off from the line and walked away, crying as if somebody had just stolen my candy bar. Until a group of girls wearing festival masks that were, by chance, licking lollipops bumped me when I realized my tears had already dried out. “Hey! Mind your path. And take those circular candies away from me,” I shouted. “What is so scary about my lollipop?” One of the girls replied. “Aside from those masks you are wearing, nothing. Just don’t get too close to me with your lollipop ever again,” I replied while I was about to walk away. I was anguished but I just turned my back on them. I just can’t let them know that I’m afraid of lollipops.I didn’t know that girl who raised her voice to me was
I love you, why can’t you understand? Every night, I’m always trying to call you. Seeking for your voice but wasn’t able to hear. What part of ‘I love you’ don’t you understand? Can’t you see? Can’t you see this spilled blood? Since I’ve been loving you. All my love, wasted. When will you learn to understand? Understand?! Is it that hard to love me? Why can’t you love me? After every night we have a romantic walk together, Though you don’t know I’m walking with you, I was hungry to see your smile, those shining eyes. I tried all my best to make you love me, but all is lost. Every night I always visit you by your window. Seeing you asleep is the best moment I ever had. When you’re asleep, as I breathe what you breathe out. Nothing else matters during the moment I’m with you. I never want to close my eyes when you were crying. I wished it was me you were crying about. Those sobs should be about me. I can’t believe you’re crying over a piece of s**t I wish you knew how I loved you so much. How I would render the napkins I would steal. How I would smell your sweat soaked shirt after P.E. How I watched when he broke your heart for ther first time. I wished you knew, I wished you knew. How I would sacrifice for you. How I would buy you in an auction. How much I loved you. I will always love you. Love you forever more. Even if it results to our death.
-Emric Salven B. Rejano
Illustrations by Ralph Michael R. Nochete, Hanna Leah G. Sambo, Reira B. Matsushita and Robert M. Faustino Layout by Richelle Mae B. Bautista
at my back, persistently following me like a rascal. She kept on asking a lot of things, things that I would never let her know. She was so intrigued about the lollipop. My idea was that, maybe if I ran, she would stop stalking me, but I was wrong. She ran after me and held my hands. “What is actually wrong with you? You bought those three tickets but you were all just by yourself. The worst part is that, you ripped them off and didn’t take the ride. And what the heck is wrong with my lollipop? I wasn’t giving it to you in the first place.” She uttered with a heart-shaking voice, still with that mask she bought in the park. I could have kept quiet, but I felt the need of explaining to her, maybe because I wanted her to stop from ranting. But I didn’t. Instead, these words came out of my mouth as if I was unaware of doing it. “I cannot take the ride. I wanted to but I am so afraid. I wanted to recall every memory while riding the Ferris wheel and forget them as soon as I leave the park. I wanted to be with my parents again. I want to feel the warmth of their love. But I just can’t.. I’m too weak and feeble to try. I thought that after getting into the same situation again, I’ll be able to overcome all of these.” “Well, if that’s so, come on. Come with me. I’m going with you.” She said. “There’s no way I’m going with you, not with a masked person like you.” Without any words, she pulled my hands and we headed towards the park. The bliss that the running brought me seemed to adjourn every wrinkle in my face. I don’t know but it was whimsical and ecstatic. For the past few years, I have never been in a rush like this. And when we got there, my heart seemed to jump out of my chest, like a rabbit aiming to win a race. There was magic, for I never smiled like this before, not in that park. “Are you ready?” She asked me. “I am. I’m sure I am.” I replied as I held her hands tightly. My feet were trembling; my eyes were almost closing, and my heart was starting to skip a beat. The wheel, it swished to me saying, “Do not be afraid.” “Okay, here we go. Try to recall all the painful memories. Imagine all the sequences, the moments, everything. Let them overflow now. It’s just you and me.” She told me. And in that moment, it felt like travelling in the past. The sun, the wind, the ambience: they all conspired with us. All the painful memories, they were all reverted back. I shouted; I screamed; I took them all out of me. I almost lost my identity, but I was reborn. And as soon as the wheel swiveled down, I was over it. It was a feeling I’d covet over and over again. To my glee, I found myself hugging her so tight. “I don’t know how to pay you back, but thank you. I owe you so much. You freed me!” I said to her as I recognized something very familiar. She removed her mask. “This mask is eating my face. Aghh.. By the way, aside from the Ferris Wheel, would you like us to build a merry-go-round, too?” -Cirilo W. Cariga
By Gessa Mae E. Abriol
I do understand that love you gave me Every night before that I was in dreamland with you My voice, didn’t you tell me it goes around you every now and then Every part of it, I understand. And I ask, do you? That blood spilling, it’s not blood I’m seeing It was just those expectations of you from me that didn’t happen You know I have understood every bit of it, every piece of love you give It was not hard to love you, I did love you, but you are asking for too much After every night we have a romantic walk together It’s instinctive that it would run through all those memories I have with you I thanked you for giving all the best you’ve got to love me But it has to be lost in track because in the same way you are too I can always see you peek by my window Watch me ‘til I fall in a deep slumber Feeling every breathe I take Nothing else really matters but that moment of me with you in there Every tear falling from my eyes are exactly the reason why I have to halt and rest It was really you I cry about Those sobs were exactly made by you You just can’t believe that it was really you I knew precisely how much you loved me How you would sacrifice everything for me But you should too know how much I have loved you too Now, be keen to watch my heart breaks again, for the last time I wish you knew, I wish we knew What love is, your love that is unerringly egocentric You should now risk getting hurt and getting lost And it’s just a part of everything you’ve done I will always love you, but first you should learn to love yourself Love is the lion’s share of your fascination, and it equates to your own death.