FENUXE
after dark
Holler Poodles! Can you believe how fast this year has gone by? It’s been a year of momentous events that really affected our nation from the presidential election to the olympics and the destruction of hurricane Sandy. However, the biggest news was right here at home in our own backyard. Who knew the masses would elect its very own princess. Thats right folks, I’m talking Honey Boo Boo y’all. You better Redneckognize!! Now I for one tried to avoid this show at all costs. It really offended my feminine, dainty, sensibilities. But one afternoon while napping (sleeping off a hangover), I awoke to a marathon of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”. Admittedly, I was intrigued at the show opener when the mother crops dusts (airline industry term for farting on the public) her brood of children and then laughs about it. Now that’s takes real class! Imagine my surprise when I got a call from producers asking if I was related to the South Georgia Pitts bloodline. As it turns out, my uncle’s cousin’s nephew’s niece on my father’s side once removed by force actually slept with a pig named Glitzy! Allegedly, I may have also been intimate with uncle Poodle. I can’t believe it, we’re related. It brings a tear to my eye and fart to my butt! Check me out next season--I’ll be a pig wearing lipstick. Redundant, I know. The movies were pretty amazing this year but I was extremely disappointed in Magic Mike. I feel like in this day and age we should be able to see some appendages swinging around. If half of America has been reading 50 Shades of Grey, I think they’re more than ready to see some dick. Can I get an amen? Channing and the cast were all hot but damn,
72 : No vember 15, 2012
they led us to believe we were gonna see it all. Hell, I still want my money back. The Avengers was probably the biggest surprise to me this year. I really had no interest in seeing it but after some coaxing, I watched it and was thoroughly entertained (pleasuring myself) looking at that handsome Chris Evans. Mark Ruffalo was also a real cutie as the Hulk. I wonder what happens to his penis when he gets mad? Hmmmmmmm. I’d have to piss him off a lot, just saying! Of course, the saddest celebrity death of the year for me was the passing of Whitney Houston. Say what you will but she sang the soundtrack of my life. She also paid my bills. Many of you have told me time and time again how you can’t listen certain songs of hers without thinking of how I ‘messed’ them up for you. RIP my dear Whitney! But now the past is the past and I’m really looking forward to the new year. I hope you are too! Love and lashes,
Mary Edith Pitts
Please send comment and feedback to me at maryedith99@gmail.com