168 / Your Erroneous Zones
than your own. If you carry around the “If he can do it, so should I” sentences, you’ll be running your life on the basis of someone else and never create your own life.
Jealousy: A “Demand for Justice” Sideshow John Dryden called jealousy “the jaundice of the soul.” If your jealousy gets in your way, and creates any amount of emotional immobility, then you can set as a goal the elimination of this wasteful thinking. Jealousy is really a demand that someone love you in a certain way, and you saying “It isn’t fair” when they don’t. It comes from a lack of self-confidence, simply because it is an other-directed activity. It allows their behavior to be the cause of your emotional discomfort. People who really like themselves don’t choose jealousy or allow themselves to be distraught when someone else doesn’t play fair. You can never predict how someone you love will react to another human being, but if they choose to be affectionate or loving you can only experience the immobility of jealousy if you see their decisions as having anything to do with you. That is your choice. If a partner loves another, he isn’t being “unfair,” he is simply being. If you label it unfair, you’ll probably end up trying to figure out why. A perfect example is a client of mine who was furious because her husband had an affair. She became obsessed with trying to figure out why? She was constantly asking, “Where did I go wrong?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Wasn’t I good enough for him?” and similar selfdoubting questions. Helen was always thinking about the injustice of her husband’s infidelity. She even contemplated having an affair herself as a way to right the balance. She cried a great deal and alternated between fury and sadness. Helen’s faulty thinking, which leads her to unhappiness, lies in her demand for justice which suffocates her in this relationship. She has made her husband’s choice to engage in sex