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Satirist, political commentator, author, Foreign Desk Chief for the Rolling Stone and registered Republican, PJ O'Rourke had an FCC luncheon crying in the aisles.
y topic this afternoon is,
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worrying,
because worrying is what all of you really do for a living. I mean, this is the post-
industrial economy, right. You are not in in media; you are not in business; you are in worry. Thank you, worrying about that. Worry is simply what every managementJevel person does all day, except for the guy with the nose ring down in corporate communications, who is nibbling hashish brownies and putting the web site together. He is not worried. But the rest of us are worried. Now, personall¡ I think that this worrying is the secret to all successful nations in the modern world. The French aren't worried; they are too busy taking three months'vacation and screwing up the Euro. The Russians aren't worried; they are drunk. TheJapanese were so busy actually making things that they didn't have time to worry, and look, where it got them. Their money exploded; little fluttering pieces of Yen all over communications; you are not
the place. But we worry, we worry. And I bring you good news about this worry. That we have only two things to worry about that can't be treated with Viagra politics and
the economy. (And actuall¡ President- Clinton tried treating politics with Viagra and it worked, it worked!) Now, politics are always frightening, specially in an election year, oî in any election year. Actually I think, .
Taiwan's yoyo stock market has made that pretty clear. And America has just been an awful place in recent. times with these horrible candidates making pests of themselves. I mean, that's basically how Bill Bradley lost in the United States. He would come to people's houses, knock on their door right in the middle of Ally McBeal, and want to know if any voters would go outside and shoot some hoops. I was for Steve Forbes myself because Steve had already won 'Who wants to be a millionaire'. Actually,
after the egg campaigning he did for Bob Dole, I thought Bob was rested and he is ready. All the candidates: George W, Ross Perot, Pat Buchnan, the nice thing about these people is once the election is over, they disappear; they absolutely go away, except, of course, for the one that wins. And who cares, who that
impeachment year, than cover politics during an election year. You see, during impeachment, America's politicians, they couldn't get up to too much really. I mean, they couldn't do much harm because they were too busy; they were really busy hating each other, you know. They didn't have time to bomb Yugoslavia, or destroy Miscrosoft, you know. I felt, there was just no downside to the impeachment. When Clinton won, so America was spared a premature Al Gore presidency. And Al was able to go back to his previous job as a sequoia in Redwood National Forest. The Republicans got hurt for prosecuting Clinton, and that was great. I thought that was just fine too, because all the Republicans had done since they took over Congress was, play dead during budget negotiations and go to meetings of the Conservative Citizens Council with bed sheets over their heads, and talk about the President's sex life. Otherwise, everybody came up a winner in the Clinton impeachment. Paula Jones got a nose job. Monica Lewinsky got a Barbara Walters interview. Linda Tripp got a reason to stick to that diet. And Newt Gingrich got some how-to-do hints about sex in the workplace. Saddam Hussein and Slobodan Milosovic got the air
I mean, Bill Clinton has proved one thing as long the economy is good, it does not matter -who's the President. You could have a rutting dog in the Oval Ofhce, and we did! So we don't have to worry about domestic politics most of the time. And international politics are pretty calm at the moment, unless China isn't kidding about Taiwan, in which case it would be interesting. I personally thought that international politics were scarier last year during the air war in Kosovo; I was just in Kosovo during November. And there is a saying they have in former former Yugoslavia that only the odd-numbered world wars begin in the Balkans. But the United States taught the world an important lesson in Kosovo wherever - we, the there is oppression, or suffering, or injustice, United States, will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it is happening. So, if anything does happen in Taiwan, I think Mongolia should look out. is?
as
eanwhile, during the air war in Kosovo, if Hillary Clinton looked really happy there for a while, it was because of Slobodan Milosovic. Bill Clinton had finally found somebody he could screw and not get indicted for it. Although, Hillary is not as huppy as New York City Mayor, Rudi Guliani. He's over the moon. He has got this suburban Chicago chic campaigning in New York City by kissing Yasser Arafat and ordering pastrami and veveeta on white bread at Kosher Delis. He's a very
strikes that they needed to keep their domestic approval ratings up. And Bill Clinton's opinion polls went so high that he started dating again. Plus, I think, that we have to consider the blessings
And we don't have to worry about the economy either. The economy is doing great. I mean, in most places. Unless you still have got your portfolio invested in Indonesia. In that case, I have a handy "Emerging Markets Investor Counselling Kit", which I will pass out after lunch - consisting of a big bottle of sleeping pills and a plastic bag to tie over your head. The economy is doing so well that we are all making fortunes selling Amazon.com shares to each other. Convenience stores are putting $20 bills in the "Take one/Leave one" tray. World Bank is giving toasters to Malaysia. This is wonderful this diarrhoea of money - fiduciary El Niño blowmoving around the world; this
ing Mutual Fund floods to one place and T:bill droughts to someplace else; cash winds lofting real estate prices into the sky; speculatory lightening strikes
sending currencies down in flames; junk bond mudslides; price,/earning ratio hurricanes. Well, actually, may be, we do have to worry about the economy. Right now, people don't know what to
do; people don't know whether to lay around the Riviera clipping interest coupons on bonds, or sit around the kitchen table clipping discount coupons in newspapers. I mean, one minute people are loading their possessions on top of the Ford and fleeing the Oklohama dust bowl. The next minute, people are buying dust futures on the Chicago Commodity Exchange. Very confusing situation. May be, we should do something to tame these wild excesses of capitalism.
to millions and millions of future US high school students
trapped class
in the dreary confines of American history
finall¡ they've got a chapter that rock and rolls.
- not everybody in America was as enthusiastic Now,
about impeachment as I was. Some people said that the
impeachment distracted President Clinton from the business of governing. But, I feel, distracting politicians from the business of governing is like distracting a bear from eating your kid, you know; or from eating your wallet, I mean. An;rr,vay.. I enjoyed impeachment for the same reason that I enjoy having a Republican Congress and a Democratic \Arhite House. Because it causes gridlock. I love gridlock in government, because what I hate is when we get "bipartisan consensus". Bi-partisan consensus is like, when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. So, we don't have to worry about politics.
Havel, Nelson Mandela, John -Kenneth Galbraith, Oprah, Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger. So, if any committee could consider such matters as product safet¡ Çnvironmental impact, and whether a corporation has any of those terrible "glass ceilings", and any committee could allocate capital accordingly. But there is some problems with this idea. For one thing, Kim Bassinger is a very strong advocate of animal rights and avery persuasive woman. And we could wind up listening to Kim Bassinger. And if we did what Kim Bassinger wants, we could wind up with a retirement fund portfolio that consisted of one million little bunny rabbits who have been rescued from medical testing. That won'tbe so good. So, maybe, we don'twant a committee.
happy guy.
I would much rather cover politics during
an
THE CORRESPONDENT APRIL-MAY
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aybe, we should select a committee of wise and principled individuals to guide the global investment markets Valcav
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