CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
Straight Talk about Courtship and Engagement By Fr John Bartunek, L.C., S.T.D.
Contents Before Dating ............................................................................................................................................................ 1 Dating Makes Its Appearance ...................................................................................................................................2 Undermining Healthy Courtship ............................................................................................................................... 2 Undermining Healthy Engagements ..........................................................................................................................3 The Persistent Vocational Question ..........................................................................................................................4 Support from Popular Culture ...................................................................................................................................5 God’s Grace Is Stronger ............................................................................................................................................6 Questions for Small Group Discussion: ....................................................................................................................6 Questions for Discussion and/or Personal Reflection: .............................................................................................. 6
Before Dating Before World War II dating as we know it didn’t exist. Young men and women did not engage in a series of exclusive, romantic relationships and break-ups on their way to getting married. Rather, the cultural norm was for them to make the transition from friendship to engagement through something called courtship. It added two things to the previously established friendship: first, an ongoing conversation about the possibility and implications of getting married; and second, an element of romance. Before courtship, the young man and woman may have felt romantic attraction, but as long as marriage was not a real possibility in the near future, they neither acted on nor discussed that attraction, since it would have compromised their friendship and endangered a successful courtship. But once each was seriously considering the possibility of marriage, it became appropriate and even helpful to express their affection romantically, by holding hands, for instance, or snuggling on a loveseat in front of the fire. To avoid letting this romantic element run away with their relationship, however, any time they spent alone would be on the back porch, or in the Gazebo, or in a café – where they could be easily seen or interrupted by others who happened by – not in locked dorm rooms, empty apartments, or summer houses with nobody else at home.
CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
Courtship provided a safe haven where two hearts could gradually open up to each other, discover their capacity for love and intimacy, and lay a strong foundation for a lifetime of spousal self-giving. It also provided a safe way to discover reasons against marrying – like personality conflicts, value differences, or inter-family clashes. If the path of courtship ended in the decision not to marry, the friendship still remained, and each heart stayed fresh with the strength and purity that their future spouse and children really deserved.
Dating Makes Its Appearance After World War II, courtship went out of style, and dating took its place – the practice of spending a lot of time developing one romantic relationship after another, regardless of marriage possibilities. The change was due to cultural and socio-economic factors like the soaring number of young people who could afford to finish high school and go on to college without having to go to work, the growing trend to buck tradition and authority, the sexual revolution, and the proliferation of drug use. These and other influences eroded the intrinsic connection between romance and commitment, undermining healthy friendships, courtships, and engagements. That in turn had the logical consequence of debilitating the institutions of marriage and family. The previous Straight Talk article on dating presented the devil’s point of view on the subject. But the transcript of the board meeting where that point of view was expressed has a second part. Researchers have been able to decipher the remainder of the transcript, and they have asked Straight Talk to distribute it as quickly and as widely as possible, for the benefit of the devil’s prime targets. It goes like this: One other comment before we close the meeting. If you fail to draw your victims into the dating culture, don’t give up hope. There is another solution: attacking them after they have begun courtship, or even once they have already become engaged. It takes more work, but it can yield equally satisfying results. Here’s how:
Undermining Healthy Courtship
Once they have a learned how to build real friendships with members of the opposite sex to whom they feel romantically attracted, and once they have discerned a vocation to marriage and have reflected deeply about the kind of spouse and family they want, they will start to look for candidates. When they find a likely one and make the step from friendship to courtship, they will begin to talk romantically, and to express themselves romantically –
CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
little things like holding hands, light caresses, short embraces, gentle kisses. These manifestations of affection are just right for courtship and for engagement, because they help the friendship mature into the special intimacy of spouses. But as their courtship progresses into engagement, and engagement moves towards marriage, their feelings of erotic attraction will, naturally, intensify. That’s when you can make your move. Make them think that since their commitment is getting stronger, their expressions of romantic affection should become more pronounced. You have to be subtle here, because that is a notable lie and goes directly against common sense – the truth is that as their feelings of erotic attraction intensify, they should be even more careful to avoid tempting situations; such care would show mutual respect and authentic love, which always saves the honey for the honeymoon. Whatever you do, don’t let them realize that. Make them think that they can spend hours and hours getting hot and heavy as long as they don’t actually have sex (later, you can coax them down the rest of that slippery slope). Make them think that they should spend plenty of time alone, where no one can see them or find them or interrupt them, instead of spending time getting to know each other and each other’s families and friends in all kinds of different situations, doing interesting things together, working on worthwhile projects, and finding creative ways to express their affection and reinforce their trust and respect. Make them think that since they “really love each” other chastity doesn’t apply any more (be careful with that one; it’s another particularly obvious lie)… Make them think anything you want, but make sure that at least one of them starts looking for romantic pleasure whenever they meet; make sure that it becomes a dominant factor in their relationship before they get married, and if possible, before they get engaged. If you do, then they will fall prey to a lot of the damage and the dangers they avoided by not buying into the dating culture, and that will serve you well later on when you’re trying to destroy their marriage.
Undermining Healthy Engagements As you move them along this path, pay special attention to the traditional weak spots. You all know that couples heading towards marriage don’t like to talk seriously about important questions, because they are afraid that disagreements will threaten the relationship. This is exactly the kind of ridiculous sentiment that heavy romance can encourage. Never let them think about what a contradiction it is: differing viewpoints strong enough to threaten courtship or engagement will only get stronger after they exchange
CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
wedding vows. Never let them see these issues as the time bombs they really are. I can see that some of you are a bit puzzled. Perhaps you don’t know which issues I am referring to. The most obvious ones, of course: How many children they want to have and when; what their career hopes are and how they will fit together; how they get along with the future in-laws; how their other friendships will fit into their marriage; the roles of each spouse in the context of home life; where they want to live; how they will manage their money and what economic standard of living they are comfortable with; what demonstrations of affection they will expect; the commitment to marital fidelity; differences in temperament, morality, and religion… If you sufficiently intensify the romantic element of their relationship, you can convince them that these things don’t need to be addressed, that they will just work themselves out as they go along. Healthy couples reflect together on these issues before getting married. They get advice about them from people they respect, from people with experience, like priests who have been counseling marriages for decades or older couples who have lived beautiful, successful marriages. They face these issues honestly and sincerely. If a yellow light shows up, they look at it more carefully; if they see a red light, they realize that they are not meant to be married. That’s the loving and responsible approach, that’s how to prepare for a marriage; but premature romance is the enemy of responsibility, it transfers all their energy to preparing for the wedding. That’s exactly what you want.
The Persistent Vocational Question Excessive romance during courtship will also scramble the signals that these young lovers may be getting from the Enemy about a vocation to celibacy or consecrated virginity. We have already discussed how dating interferes with healthy vocational discernment, but even when humans avoid falling into the dating scene, they still tend to shun serious reflection on their calling in life. It’s just too risky, from their perspective; it takes too much courage, too much humility. Unfortunately, the Enemy tends to be rather persistent in this area. He cares altogether too much about their happiness, so sometimes he keeps calling even if the human has already taken concrete steps towards marriage. Accordingly, don’t be surprised if they start wondering about the vocational question even well into a courtship or an engagement.
CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
Don’t be surprised, but don’t be naïve; you need to act quickly. If they start to reflect on their vocation, be very careful that they do so on their own. If they make a step of faith and ask a priest to help them, or look for a trustworthy spiritual director, they are almost sure to be lost. At most, let them talk to their boyfriend or girlfriend about it, or to their fiancée, if they are already engaged; that will muffle their faith. If you can’t keep them isolated from more prudent influences, however, at least make sure that they find a whole bunch of spiritual advisors; by getting advice from enough different sources, they will end up paying attention only to their subjective likes and dislikes anyway, sweeping this all-important question under the carpet instead of sincerely resolving it.
Support from Popular Culture I can tell by the looks on your faces that some of you are skeptical. You are asking yourselves how it will be possible to spread such an unnatural and self-destructive institution like dating, and how it will be possible to convince young men and women who really care for each other to undermine their courtship and engagement with excessive romantic intimacy. Won’t they see right through our ploy? Don’t worry. As long as they are filling their minds with images and ideas from television, movies, magazines, advertising, and popular music and literature, they won’t be thinking straight. Dating, romance without commitment, and honeymoons before honeymoons will strike them as the normal thing to do. I know, I know, their Church and their Pope will keep telling them the truth, but don’t worry too much about that either. Most of them don’t really pay attention to the Pope, and we have plenty of experience at making the Church look dull and old-fashioned. Nine times out of ten we can convince them to watch soap operas (or worse things) instead of reading a Church document or making a visit to the chapel. I hope the strategy is clear. Soon it will usher in a new culture where all kinds of deviant and selfish sexual misbehaviors will once again be considered normal. When that happens, healthy families will be an endangered species, and the valiant souls, minds, and hearts that keep pushing back our advance will be few and far between. Nothing is more delicious… That’s where the transcript ends. It gives the impression of a dire situation, and to some extent that impression is on target; a dating culture supported by a constant media bombardment of erotic images keeps healthy relationships on the run, which helps explain the increasing proliferation of
CHAPTER 1 The Problem of Evil, Part I
pornography, sexual crimes, international prostitution and sexual slavery, rampant divorce and remarriage, and abortion. Faced with such evidence, would any objective observer conclude that the current social norms governing relationships between the sexes foster healthy marriages and family life? Hardly.
God’s Grace Is Stronger
That’s not the whole story, however. Scripture assures us that we will never be tempted beyond our power to resist; God’s grace strengthens the soul to act in harmony with the truth and the beauty of his dream for human happiness. It can even heal broken relationships and cure the wounds caused by our own excesses. That’s what the word “Redemption” is all about. As the archangel Gabriel put it in his conversation with the Blessed Virgin Mary, “Nothing is impossible for God.”
Questions for Small Group Discussion: 1. What struck you most in this chapter and why? What did you learn that you didn’t know before? 2. Why is it so important to take it slow and not rush into a commitment right away? What is the main purpose of having an engagement period, anyway? 3. If you are engaged or in a relationship heading in that direction, how well do you know the other person? Are there any areas you are avoiding talking about? Why? 4. If you are already married, how often do you really talk to your spouse? What are you doing to keep cultivating the friendship and the love in your marriage?
Questions for Discussion and/or Personal Reflection: 1. If you are engaged or are in a serious relationship, have you talked seriously and respectfully about the important questions as a couple? How often? If you see yellow or red lights on the horizon, what are you going to do about it? 2. How often do you pray for your future or current spouse? If you are married, do you pray with your spouse? 3. How well would you say you are living chastity in your current state of life? 4. If you have not yet discerned the question of a possible vocation to the priesthood or consecrated life, what are you waiting for?