2020 Edition Two

Page 24



Andrew Zylstra

PARKVILLE—Local student and identi-

cal twin Simon Whitaker, 21, confirmed on Monday that he has discovered the secret to a perfect work-life balance. “It’s taken a few years of trial and error, but we—pardon me—I have finally struck gold and come across the best way to balance all my competing commitments,” boasted the at-peace Whitaker to his overwhelmed peer group. “I attend all my lectures and tutorials; complete all my assignments and pass my exams with flying colours; work twenty-plus hours a week at my part-time job; apply for relevant internships and graduate programs; spend quality time with both family and friends; exercise for at least half an hour every day; maintain a well-balanced diet; keep up with current affairs and popular culture; enjoy time to myself reading or meditating; sleep at least eight hours every night; and, as a bonus, I can even fit in an episode of a TV series at the end of the day.”


Whitaker says that his new lifestyle has helped to improve his overall satisfaction and wellbeing. “I used to suffer from crippling stress and anxiety from balancing all my responsibilities; however, with our—fuck I mean my—new lifestyle, stressful Simon is a thing of the past,” a visibly sweating Whitaker said. What’s his secret? Whitaker attributes his success to a concept he calls “collaborative time management”. When asked to elaborate, Whitaker mumbled something about a yoga class before running away. Simon’s twin brother, Michael, declined to be interviewed, citing the fact that he is a “nocturnal being”. This story is ongoing.

Illustrated by Arielle Vlahiotis

Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.