SATIRE
LOCAL SHOWOFF PERFECTS WORK-LIFE BALANCE Written by
Andrew Zylstra
PARKVILLE—Local student and identi-
cal twin Simon Whitaker, 21, confirmed on Monday that he has discovered the secret to a perfect work-life balance. “It’s taken a few years of trial and error, but we—pardon me—I have finally struck gold and come across the best way to balance all my competing commitments,” boasted the at-peace Whitaker to his overwhelmed peer group. “I attend all my lectures and tutorials; complete all my assignments and pass my exams with flying colours; work twenty-plus hours a week at my part-time job; apply for relevant internships and graduate programs; spend quality time with both family and friends; exercise for at least half an hour every day; maintain a well-balanced diet; keep up with current affairs and popular culture; enjoy time to myself reading or meditating; sleep at least eight hours every night; and, as a bonus, I can even fit in an episode of a TV series at the end of the day.”
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Whitaker says that his new lifestyle has helped to improve his overall satisfaction and wellbeing. “I used to suffer from crippling stress and anxiety from balancing all my responsibilities; however, with our—fuck I mean my—new lifestyle, stressful Simon is a thing of the past,” a visibly sweating Whitaker said. What’s his secret? Whitaker attributes his success to a concept he calls “collaborative time management”. When asked to elaborate, Whitaker mumbled something about a yoga class before running away. Simon’s twin brother, Michael, declined to be interviewed, citing the fact that he is a “nocturnal being”. This story is ongoing.
Illustrated by Arielle Vlahiotis