It took me years, to feel worthy, of eating more than once a day. How long? Even more time to stop drowning myself in baggy sweaters, to stop telling myself it wasn’t worth it when I got dizzy. When I was trying to spare everyone the depravity of having to look at me with the lights on. Every day, I wish I could go back and talk to that awkward little girl, fighting back tears in the dressing room over the zipper that will not budge. I would tell her, Do not weigh your worth with the same scale they use to judge you. You are fat, you are worthy, and one day tying those words together will not feel so foreign to you. Stop apologising. When they sharpen their insults like harpoons. Stop trying to beat them to the punchline. As if hating you is a contest and you just want to make sure you win first. When they turn your body into a warzone. Stop trying to set fire to the one place you call home. You can afford the dreams they told you, you were too big for. So go ahead. Raise your standards like picket signs, do not take them down. Burn the white flags in your closet, wear the colors you want, and dream about the man you love leaping from the page. How you’ll purchase real estate in his thoughts, And live there, painted
on the back of his eyelids. But until he comes, fall in love with yourself first. And remember to count your worth by the handfuls, and not teaspoons. Even on the days when it’s hard. You are meant to be seen. Stop trying to disappear.
Fat Girl’s Happily Ever After
Words by Jennifer Manalili Sun illustration by Jessica Woodhouse