A love letter to my daughter

from 2023 Celebrating Women Magazine

Perspective

As I sit and ponder on what to write, the overwhelming thought is to capture something from the heart that has impacted me personally.

It is a little thing called self-doubt.

by Alethia O’Hara-Stephenson

I thought, what better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than to leave a legacy for others to be able to reflect on and learn from so that they can live full and enriching lives. As a result, I’ve penned this love letter to my daughter but in reality, it’s a love letter to all women.

As you navigate this busy and noisy world that we live in, you may find yourself feeling like you just can’t measure up. This feeling is called “self-doubt” and it is a very selflimiting belief or thought that can sneak up on you at the most inopportune times. It is a lack of confidence in your abilities and skills, and it is something that most of us encounter at some point in our lives, whether it’s starting a new school, starting a new job, or joining a new team.

For me, it is that self-limiting belief that comes with starting something new or being overly hard on myself after completing something. These feelings are both emotionally and physically taxing and can cause you to miss out on amazing opportunities, friendships and success. When I was younger, I did not know how to identify this feeling, but over the years, I have learned to identify this negative self-talk and step into my fears. Each time I stepped into my fear I was able to grow and achieve amazing results. For example, when I had the opportunity to travel to another country to speak at a conference, I was terrified, but I stepped into my fear and came out stronger and more confident in my abilities. Was I perfect? No. However, I realized that by stepping into my fear, I could do something new and different, and I would be okay. I was able to learn and grow from this opportunity, and it also lead to many other speaking, teaching and publishing opportunities that would never have occurred had I not stepped into my fears and stopped doubting myself.

You may find yourself thinking that you aren’t good enough, or that you can’t take compliments from others. You may even be so hard on yourself that you can’t give yourself credit for a job well done. Sometimes, you may seek approval from others even when you know you did something well. These are some of the signs that you suffer from self-doubt. The good news is, once you know the signs, you can identify them and take steps to combat those limiting self-beliefs and doubt.

A tip that has helped me is positive self-talk. As silly as this may sound, it works. I had to get very comfortable giving myself positive self-talk over the years so that I could get out of my own head and achieve new heights. Positive self-talk could be as simple as waking up in the morning and saying to yourself “I am smart, I am strong and I am capable.”

I also like journalling for this purpose. I write down all the times that I had limiting self-beliefs, describing the situation and the steps I took to get past those limiting self-beliefs. Journalling helps capture all the accomplishments that you have made, big or small from remembering to do positive self-talk, to the promotion at work or something as simple as drinking enough water for the day. Journalling is like your receipt to help prove how amazing you are.

Another great tip is to learn what your best is and not rely on everyone else to determine “your best” for you. Be comfortable with your abilities. If you need to improve a skill, seek help but know when you have done your best and give yourself credit for it. When you rely on what everyone else’s opinion of your best should be, then you will be like a leaf blowing in the wind. Learn to love yourself first and never compare yourself to others. No two people are alike. You have your own unique gifts and skills that the world needs. Your success may look very different from someone else’s success and that’s okay. You are uniquely you.

Finally, have a strong support system. It could be a network of close friends or sisters or even a professional mental health specialist or coach to help you on your journey. Talk to someone. Don’t hide behind your feelings alone.

Whatever tips or strategies you choose to use, know that you are not alone and that you can take selfsabotage and give it a swift kick out of your life with your favourite shoes.

Remember, you are enough. You are worthy and you are deserving of much love and success. You got this!

With Love,

Alethia

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