Christmas if you’re separated

By Rebecca Giraud and Bob Greig

All separated parents have a puzzle to solve at Christmas. How are you going to create a Christmas that is affordable, achievable, pleases the kids and works for your child’s other parent. None of this is easy…

We asked 200 hundred separated parents to reflect on the pressures they face at Christmas and to recall their favourite Christmas memories from their own childhoods. The results were fascinating and offered us some invaluable insight into solving the puzzle of Christmas.

Keep it simple

Your kids will not thank you for spending hours shopping and then sweating in the kitchen throughout Christmas. They may like a nice meal on Christmas Day but there are literally millions of them who simply think it interrupts the fun and games. There is so much pressure to go overboard at this time of year. If Christmas really is a time for children, it is your time they are after, nothing else. Not really.

Don’t try and re-create the Christmas Day you had with your ex. Try something different and create a new way of celebrating. In our experience, friends can come into their own (COVIDpermitting) and can add a new and exciting dimension to the festivities.

Chill about gifts

Don’t turn present giving into a competition with the other parent. And try if possible to communicate with them around

Time with the Other Parent

Geography and work commitments can make co-parenting difficult. However, try to agree early what’s happening and when over the Christmas period so that there is no confusion for the children. This also allows you to plan your time should you be alone.

Covid will bring changes to the way we spend Christmas this year so clear communication with extended family is going to be even more important.

In some cases communication between the two of you may be really difficult. But, if it’s safe, we encourage parents to make every effort to ensure children spend time with both parents over the holiday.

We know many separated families work an ‘alternate year’ schedule very successfully with zooms and phone calls built into the festivities.

You can also find helpful advice in our article on how to have a successful handover at www.onlymums.org/information gifts. Money can be a real worry at Christmas so research celebrating on a budget. The parents we spoke to reported that presents were one of their least important childhood memories of Christmas. It’s worth noting!

Enjoy fun & games

The reason kids like Monopoly and jigsaws at Christmas is that it keeps you right next to them for hours! In truth, for many of us it’s the only time of year that ever really happens. If your kids are lucky enough to have grandparents, get them involved. One in five of the parents we talked to named their single best memory of Christmas as having their grandparents around.

Remember Christmas is mainly about time with the children. Play Monopoly - buy the railway stations as they provide a steady income and wear your paper hat!

Rebecca Giraud & Bob Greig are co-directors of Only Mums (www.onlymums.org) and Only Dads (www.onlydads.org), a social enterprise that supports mums and dads going through

separation.

Sharing the Kids or Child Free and Isolated?

Sometimes a compromise is reached around Christmas Day itself with the children spending time in both homes.

It’s worth noting that those we spoke to who had experienced this as children reflected that the transition was never easy and that they sometimes felt it was more about the parents accommodating each other than about them.

If your children will not be with you at Christmas, it can be a very lonely time. And the stream of scenes in shops and films of ‘happy families’ can make matters worse.

So, it’s vital that you look after yourself. If you can, be with friends or family or someone who is in a similar situation to you.

You’ll discover that your children do not want to think of one of their parents all alone at this time of year.