Recognising a subtle type of bullying

Recognising a Subtle Form of Bullying

By Tanith Carey

Imagine this scene which plays out in schools up and down the country daily:

A Year 4 girl, let’s call her Annabel, spots a classmate, Lisa, looking and whispering to her best friend, Eve, at break time. Later that day, Eve informs Annabel that she only wants to play with Lisa today – and the two girls sit together at lunch without saving Annabel a seat. Tearful and confused, Annabel torments herself wondering what Lisa could have said about her to Eve – or what she could have possibly done wrong. Until relatively recently, when considering bullying, our main concern has been the physical attacks and intimidation of traditional bullying. But, in recent years, we have started to understand a much more hidden kind of social conflict. It’s relational aggression, a kind of stealth attack, using words and exclusion – and tactics like seat-saving, gossip and blanking. It mainly happens between children in the same friendship groups and classrooms. It works so well because it’s very difficult to spot and even more difficult to prove.

If Annabel had complained to her teacher that the other girls were excluding her, the teacher didn’t see the whispering, couldn’t have proved that Lisa was saying mean things and certainly couldn’t force Eve and Lisa to save Annabel a seat.

Relational aggression happens all the way through school amongst girls and boys. Among boys, it can be even harder to identify because ‘teasing’ is the actual glue that bonds boys’ friendships. By secondary school, boys may call each other by such insulting names and be so sarcastic that it’s hard for others

Spotting Relational Aggression

These are the most common tactics:

Alliance building against a target eg name-calling, labelling and humiliation

Back-turning, silent treatment and ignoring

Exclusion (e.g. “You can’t sit here”) and forming exclusive cliques

Sighing/eye-rolling/tutting

Threats or pressure (e.g. “If you don’t do this, I won’t be your friend”)

Making out that if someone objects, they are being

‘oversensitive’ or weak.

When To Get School Involved?

All kids will say mean things to each other and that includes your child. However, relational aggression crosses the line if it’s repeated, intentional and one child is more socially powerful or intimidating than another.

If two children are evenly matched, it’s preferable to give your child an awareness of what’s going on and the tactics to fight back - as this is an important lesson in developing social skills and learning how to stand up for themselves. to tell when teasing has become hurtful and demeaning for a child.

Youngsters caught up in this type of situation may be tearful at home, find it hard to concentrate and may not want to go to school. It’s tough for parents to help because so much is going on beneath the radar. Some children may not want to admit it’s happening – they would rather put up with being treated badly than be cast out of a friendship circle.

It’s likely every child will be on the receiving end of relational aggression sometimes, so we can help our kids by showing them how to spot it, name it and draw protective boundaries around themselves.

Tanith Carey is author of The Friendship

Maze: How to Help Your Child Navigate Their Way to Positive and Happier

Friendships, published by Summersdale, £10.99, available from Amazon and all good

bookshops.

Dealing with Relationship Bullying

Help your child understand friendship dynamics:

relational aggression is most common when one child in a group wants to force out another or raise their own status. Help your child understand these common power-plays, how not to take it personally and how to move on to other friendship groups, if necessary.

Explain relational aggression and the roles of aggressors, targets and by-standers - those who watch and say nothing. Your child will then be better equipped to name the behaviour, spot patterns and call it out.

Show your child how to question it: it’s important that your child communicates that they will not be a victim. When an instigator says something unkind, show your child how to challenge them immediately with questions like: “Can you repeat that?” or “What do you mean?” If the other child has a clear conscience, they won’t mind answering the question. If not, they will think twice about repeating it and your child will have made it plain they understand what is happening and will stand up to it.