Parenting
WHY IS MY CHILD
so difficult TO FEED?!
As parents we of course know what’s best for our children. We know that they really need a nap, despite their insistence that they’re not tired. We know that the nutritious lunch we made them is a better option then the playdough they are currently licking off their fingers. And, we know that all these grey hairs are worth it and that someday they will thank us. Despite this oracle persona as a parent, we often face uncertainties and concerns that can shatter our confidence and leave us feeling inadequate. For many of us, dealing with our child’s difficult eating behaviours is one of these concerns.
How common are feeding concerns? A recent study of Australian parents with young children showed that more than half of parents are concerned about their child being a fussy eater. Around half of parents are also concerned that their child does not eat enough fruits and vegetables, and that their child eats too many discretionary (“sometimes”) foods. Importantly, many parents indicated that child tantrums were one of the main barriers to addressing these concerns. Rest assured, it is possible to improve our children’s eating without the tantrums.
Why is feeding kids such a challenge? Firstly, difficult eating behaviours are a very normal part of childhood and not a reflection of your parenting skills. Parents have been dealing with ‘fussy eating’ since the dawn of time. From an evolutionary perspective, behaviours such as rejection of new or unfamiliar foods is important to ensure potentially poisonous foods are avoided, while preference for sweet and fatty foods ensures energy needs are prioritised. Nowadays, with our ample supply of ‘safe’ energy-dense foods, these behaviours are far less beneficial for survival. Secondly, despite being a completely natural process, eating is extremely complex. It involves a highly sophisticated co-ordination of motor skills and sensory processes all embedded within complicated (and often illogical) socio-cultural rules and norms. As adults we don’t really appreciate this complexity or the underpinning evolutionary logic and simply see reluctance to eat, food refusal and preferences for sweet and fatty foods as something that can be negotiated through bribes and offers of reward (“one more bite” … “if you eat all your dinner you can have icecream” – sound familiar?). While children appear to be highly skilled negotiators, their counter offers usually include crying, screaming, throwing food, dropping food on the floor, or their all-time favourite - emotional manipulation – because of course we don’t want to see our little people heading to bed sad and hungry.
Why don’t these strategies work? Coercive feeding practices (referred to as ‘non-responsive’) are destined to backfire when it comes to improving your child’s eating. Offering bribes,
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Your Local Families Magazine April / May 2019
rewards and generally pressuring children to eat changes the way children view food - and not for the better. An anxious eater (remembering how complex eating is), will become more anxious when put under pressure. Bribes and rewards reinforce that certain foods are so foully disgusting that they need to be rewarded, while the restriction of desirable foods creates a ‘forbidden fruit’ effect whereby the appeal of the food increases and a child’s ability to appropriately enjoy and self-regulate eating is impacted.
So how can we improve our child’s eating without the tantrum? Stop the negotiation! This does not mean we switch from negotiator to dictator, but rather implement what is known as the division of responsibility. In the division of responsibility parents take responsibility for what, when, and where a child eats (parent provides), while your child is trusted to take responsibility for how much and whether they eat (child decides). This approach removes the pressure, helps position food neutrally, and, provided you stick to your responsibilities, alleviates the need for a tantrum – if they don’t want to eat, that’s OK.