Shrink Rap: Ask Dr. S.

Dr. S. is a clinical-psychologist, former Harvard Medical School academic, serious Buddhist meditator, and Body Electric instructor.

Is there a tactful way to discuss privilege with someone who is trying to use theirs to fuck you?

Dear Dr. S,

As a younger guy on Fire Island, I inevitably meet several handsome older gentlemen who at first seem like true gentlemen and are very welcoming and willing to invite a guy over in the spirit of neighborliness during the day. Too often however, showing up to the nighttime vibe feels more like arriving as hired entertainment with sexual expectations than showing up as a guest to a new friend. It seems many handsome older gentlemen feel that a smile, an invite and a drink entitles them to sexual service of one kind or another, and as the night goes on and drinks are drunk, it’s not uncommon for the feeling in the room to shift from friendly flirting among neighbors to overt pressure to perform sexual service on the oh so gracious and deserving hosts.

So, what’s your advice for best ways to indicate boundaries without seeming unthankful or abrupt? What are some tactful ways to train upwards our more established community members on how it’s appropriate to act these days? Is there a tactful way to discuss privilege with someone who is trying to use theirs to fuck you?

Dear Younger Guy:

Here’s one of my dreams for humanity, amid the multiple insane challenges we now face: Let’s learn how to flirt. How to give it, how to receive it. How to delight in the ride of mutual pleasure without crashing into the guardrails of cock-teasing or taking advantage. I figure if we can master that, we can handle anything.

Flirting is an art. While consent involves clarity (yes, no, not now, not that but this), flirting is a dance of ambiguity. Though there’s many layers to your letter, at some level what you describe is flirting gone funky. And if flirting were not grey-zone enough, add alcohol to the picture, a late night setting, a hefty dollop or two of sex hunger -- that’s a cocktail pre-mixed for disaster, or at least gross mutual misunderstanding. Friendship on the rocks.

It’s tempting right now to try fitting every interaction into the macro cultural lenses that are so immediately obvious and important -- privilege, race, consent, inequity. Exciting, long-overdue reckonings are afoot -- hooray for that! But queer men (of any age) getting drunk together and ending up having unintended sex? Or older men desiring younger men, and younger men wanting to be admired but not touched? Not much new there. This thorny issue has ensnared queer culture for decades: Younger men might relish mentorship or guidance from older men, and older men might delight in the vitality and zest of youthful companionship, but too often we default to our habit of sex, even when signals point elsewhere. That’s not at all to say that sex (including intergenerational sex) is bad -- it’s just soooo easy to end up there, especially when additionally lubricated with martinis and midnight.

Let me generalize from the scene you describe, as the script is replete with possibilities for unskillful behavior. To you younger men -- it is naive and myopic to imagine you might not be an object of desire for older men. Your flirtation wields huge power. You share some responsibility in where this leads -- sorry, but it’s immature to play the “victim” card. And to you older men: Wake up! It is self-serving and unfair to use status, wealth, or social power to take sexual advantage of anyone. Remember how it felt when this happened to you, which it probably did. Strive to do better. It is immature to prioritize shortsighted conquests over mutual consent.

And guys, let’s please be generous with one another about this. If there’s someone here who has never made a sexual decision they regretted in hindsight, I’d like to meet you -- you’d be my first.

Address your questions for Dr. S. to info@fagragmag.com with “Shrink Rap” in the subject line.