June 6, 2019
EXIT ZERO
Page 27
Undertow
W
Terry O’Brien’s legendary column... social satire, shameless plugs — and general self-indulgence
as a relatively sedate week here at Undertow Central. No gigs to brag about or browbeat you into attending. Worked a couple of shifts at Exit Zero Filling Station, delivered 2100+ copies of the magazine to 100+ locations, gained 5+ lbs. Somebody asked me at the restaurant yesterday, “How do you come up with so much stuff to write about every week?” I answered, “I just sit down and start writing and the magic just HAPPENS.” Not that the previous couple of paragraphs were magic, or anything. Just… you know. While on delivery last Thursday morning, I dumped a bundle of magazines at Gaiss’ Market in Villas (home of the finest cheese steak I’ve ever eaten, and that’s no lie) and there was a yellow jacket buzzing around the interior of my new Highlander. (Have I mentioned I have a new Highlander?) I proceeded to “SHOOSH!” it until it eventually flew out the window, marking the first time shooshing anything has ever worked for me. And, I believe, by
apiary custom, this now makes me King of the Bees. Fitting since they stung me 250+ times THE WEEK AFTER MY DAD DIED. Fricking bees… Sorry, that bee joke took a bit of a dark turn there. But now you know why I hate bees. The delivery job is fine; I get to meet a lot of people and listen to a lot of music, specifically the 40 Beatles, Billy Joel, Prince and Bruce Springsteen songs I have to learn for my new band, but I digress. One of my favorite stops, however, is A Place on Earth, the
candle and soap shop in the airport complex in North Cape May. It is the best-smelling stop on my route, followed closely by Kate’s Flower Shop in West Cape May and any place that sells coffee. Every week I walk in to A Place on Earth and say, “Hello!” A few seconds later I hear “Hello!” back but don’t see anyone. This routine started last October and took me until last week to notice the parrot in the cage is answering me back. I assume this has been fun for the parrot. So two weeks ago I was scheduled to work the dinner shift at EZFS. I enjoy working dinner shifts at EZFS. But at 9am my wife Cathrine asked, “Can you help Jack with the Cool Cape May books?” Being a team player I said, “Sure” and almost instantly regretted the decision. “Helping Jack with the Cool Cape May books” meant loading 30-35 boxes of books into my new Highlander (have I mentioned I have a new Highlander?) and distributing them to just about every hotel and B&B in town. Ten books per box, each box about 50 lbs. [Editor’s Fact-checking Note: 30 lbs.] This I did not