Six Tips for Building Your Exceptional Child’s Self-Esteem, Confidence, and Resiliency

By Temple Grandin, PhD and Debra Moore, PhD

CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM, CONFIDENCE, AND RESILIENCY DON’T MAGICALLY DEVELOP. THEY ARE BUILT OR DIMINISHED BY EXPERIENCES AND FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS. WHEN SUCCESSFULLY NURTURED, THEY PROVIDE THE FOUNDATION FOR CHILDREN TO TRY NEW THINGS, FACE CHALLENGES, AND BOUNCE BACK WHEN THINGS DON’T GO AS PLANNED. HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR HELPING A CHILD ESTABLISH THESE CRUCIAL TRAITS.

Adjust your child’s environment to bring out their greatest potential. Tell others (teachers, friends, extended family) what your child needs to engage most successfully with the world.

Here are three examples:

Kyle is on the autism spectrum. He needs more time to process incoming information. Slow down your rate of speech. Be alert for times you’re tired or stressed because you probably start talking faster. This is exactly when Kyle needs you to go slower. He’ll pick up on your tension, and his processing speed will slow down even more.

Cheyenne struggles to produce language. She needs more time to respond to your questions. She might need a full 30 seconds. Recognize her brain is silently working hard during this period. Be patient; do not prompt her or repeat your question. It just puts pressure on her.

Austin’s traumatic brain injury interferes with his ability to shift attention. His thinking freezes up if you rush him. His brain is like a desktop computer with lousy Wi-Fi. If you try to hurry it up, you sabotage Austin. Give his brain time to come onboard. Once his “website” is up, it runs. But when he has to switch pages, it’s slow.

Too many children with exceptional needs live in a state of emotional, physical, or cognitive stress. Basic functions like heart rate, breathing rate, and adrenaline output are often on overdrive. Kids cannot learn or enjoy life when they can’t relax. Before expecting them to pay attention or try something new, you must help them feel safe and stable.

For lots of kids, their day will go better if it starts with relaxation techniques or simple exercise. All kids benefit from learning how to monitor and control their breath. You can watch online videos and then practice together throughout the day. A few stretches can also produce dramatic reductions in anxiety and arousal.

Teach your child to recognize situations that escalate their fight or flight reactions. Have a tool kit they can turn to that reminds them of their tools. This builds resiliency for when your child faces adversity and you’re not around.

Here’s one example:

Anthony’s dad used colorful index cards and pictures cut from magazines to help his eight-year-old son learn and remember to use regulation skills. He put the cards in a shoe box labeled “Anthony’s Calm, Cool, and Collected Cards.” Anthony pulled out a card randomly (or could search for a favorite) every morning, when he felt a meltdown coming on, and before going to bed. His parents saw the improvement in their son’s mood and started using the cards too!

We all want to feel in control, and no one likes being told what to do. Presenting your child with choices is empowering. It lets them know their opinions and needs matter.

Here are two examples:

Ursula, 12, has gained weight and is approaching obesity but doesn’t want to exercise. Her mom recognizes the dangerous health consequences and is determined to help her daughter. She gives Ursula two choices: they can take a 15-minute walk each day, or Ursula can follow along with a very basic YouTube exercise program for children. It’s up to Ursula, but she has to try one of them for at least one week. These are manageable choices: time-limited, not complex, and within her range of ability.

Isaac has social anxiety and is embarrassed by his moderate speech impairments. As a result, he isolates himself in his room. His dad gave him two choices: go out with him each Saturday for a father-son ice-cream treat (where he has Isaac place the simple order) or invite the boy next door to the house to play a game.

Children grow by being stretched. You have to give them manageable baby steps. These steps will create some anxiety but won’t overwhelm. You can’t let kids stagnate, but you don’t throw them in the deep end of the pool either. Some parents overprotect their children, and that is a disservice. Here are a few examples of stretching your child.

Frankie, 11, does not help around the house and when asked to do a chore, often claims he “can’t.” He is starting to use his moderate physical and mild visual challenges as excuses. His mom assigns him the chore of setting and clearing the dinner table. Frankie gets good mobility, strength, and visual depth perception practice by doing these tasks. She doesn’t give him a task requiring extensive fine motor skills, quick movements, or too much strength: these would be too much of a stretch.

Gina is on the autism spectrum and is socially awkward. She relies on her older sister to ask for help or make a purchase. Her dad takes Gina to a small convenience store during a not-too-busy time of day. He shows her how to ask the clerk where something is and how to pay for a few items. Then he has Gina try it while he hangs back. His daughter is nervous but proud of herself afterwards.

Every child is wired and built differently. Know their strengths and use them as tools for growth. Use natural abilities instead of expecting a child to learn or navigate the world in ways they are not wired for. Use their interests as well as their strengths to broaden and deepen their knowledge and skills.

Here is an example:

Diego is a visual thinker. He automatically sees pictures of whatever you talk to him about. He has above-average recall for what he’s seen and is good at recognizing visual patterns. He’s not good at processing verbal information, and he can’t remember long strings of spoken instructions. Diego’s teachers and parents should write things down or use pictures to create task lists. It will help create a “pilot’s checklist” for Diego any time he needs to learn a new skill. Each item on the list should be bulleted, no more than a few words, clear, and specific. Diego will be able to complete tasks this way that he could never succeed at if someone just told him how to do it.

Diego’s main interest is dinosaurs. His teacher can teach him math by using dinosaurs in his lessons. His parents can encourage his artistic ability by having him draw dinosaurs but not letting him just draw the same one over and over. They can have him draw baby dinosaurs, winged dinosaurs, armored dinosaurs, and so on. They can help him Google images of where dinosaurs live and learn about those environments. They can find timelines, graphs, and charts (which tap into his visual pattern recognition strength) that show when dinosaurs lived. This can teach him about historical ages, evolution, and even geology.

Not all praise is equal. Commending your child when they work hard, persist at a difficult task, face their fears, or perform specific laudable acts (such as helping another person) builds self-esteem and confidence. Praising them in generalizations, though, can actually undermine self-worth. Kids need to be able to anchor your feedback to specific behaviors.

Here are examples:

Lani had her first swimming lesson. She was nervous and struggled more than the other children. Don’t tell Lani “You did great!” She knows she didn’t. Instead, say something like, “I’m very proud of how you gave everything a try today. I know you’re scared to put your head in the water, but you did it! With that attitude and practice, I know you are going to get more comfortable soon.”

Yoshi loved art and liked to share his paintings with his dad. His dad’s response used to be very general. “That’s great! You have real talent.” But that never made Yoshi feel great, and it did nothing to deepen the father-son relationship. A much more powerful response might be something like this: “Yoshi, I love the colors you selected! How did you decide which ones to use?”

Insincere praise backfires. Praise used to manipulate causes resentment. Praise that is too general doesn’t sink in. And praise that is too effusive can embarrass. Remember to keep it authentic, based on qualities like effort, kindness, and perseverance, and proportionate to the behavior. That’s how to effectively reinforce your child and build genuine self-confidence.

Dr. Temple Grandin is a professor of Animal Sciences at Colorado State University. She has revolutionized the handling of livestock around the world. She is a prolific writer and frequent speaker on both animal science and autism. Her mother was told Temple would need to be institutionalized. As a toddler, she had multiple developmental delays, including speech, and was diagnosed with autism. Her life story was depicted in the award-winning HBO movie Temple Grandin

Dr. Debra Moore is a psychologist who has worked extensively with children, teens, and adults on the autism spectrum. She has retired from active practice and devotes her time to writing and volunteering. She and Temple have co-authored two books: The Loving Push: How Parents and Professionals Can Help Spectrum Kids Become Successful Adults (2016) and Navigating Autism: 9 Mindsets for Helping Kids on the Spectrum (2021).