INSOMNIA BY LVJ DFG @lvj_dfg
It's 2:45 in the morning, and I'm finding it hard to sleep. Troubleshooting this insomnia, I recalled the events of today. I had some alcohol for the first time in months... right, because I submitted it today. The most difficult project I've ever completed. As I was proofreading the submission email, I felt uncontrollably energetic. After hitting the submit button, I experienced a split second of fear that I would hit the "undo" button, starting another 2-month cycle of drafting, rewriting, attempting to submit, and then failing to submit. This time I really did it. As I walked out of my room I felt the urge to un, screaming down the stairs. I decided it would appear too unsettling, and by that the sensation had waned some. Next I felt the urge to cry. Suppressing both feelings, I turned the corner to the kitchen and saw my father relaxing on the back deck. I opened the door with a kind of confused, articulated noise in my throat. He turned around, a little bit confused, then I shared it had been submitted. I explained my mixed emotions; the joy of completion and the shame of the time it took. I was advised to be proud of my accomplishments, as they spite the setbacks. I do feel proud I submitted it. It came at such a large cost. The stress has undoubtedly left a mark on my own health, and there's little doubt that it has seriously strained relationships. I hope that in the next phase of my life I can fix my health and find a new productive and meaningful outlet for my energy. As for this very instant, the best I can do is sleep. This is the most important time in a life to dream.
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