Relationships
by D e a n na B r a nn, Ph .D.
When Your Daughter-in-Law Won’t Even Talk to You Rhonda’s daughter-in-law hasn’t
spoken to her in several months. Whenever Rhonda tries to talk with her, her daughter-inlaw seems to avoid Rhonda’s emails and phone calls. At this point Rhonda is not sure what to do. She’s not even sure what happened – why their interactions have stopped. She just feels her relationships with her daughter-inlaw and her son are slipping away. This is one of the biggest nightmares a mother-in-law can experience. It is one of the most helpless feelings, and most of us usually give up trying to make things better because we 1) don’t know what to do and 2) it’s too painful to keep trying. Here are a couple of tips on how to start melting the ice so to speak. If you think about it, your daughter-in-law is giving you a clear message that something has happened. Somehow, some way, she feels you have done something to her – hurt her, angered her, disrespected her, or something to the point that she does not want to be around you, and if you only knew, maybe you
Etiquette
could fix it. But she’s not telling you. Tips: 1. Write letters of appreciation to her. » Start off with a letter telling her why you appreciate her loving your son. » Write another letter about appreciating her as the mother of your grandchildren. » Keep writing these kinds of letters, showing her how you appreciate her. You want her to know the value she has brought into your life. They do not have to be long, but they do need to be about her – not about you. When you feel you have done this sufficiently… 2. Use the Listening & Learning Skill. » Write her a letter or call her, letting her know that you really do want to understand how you have hurt her. When you write this letter or call her, let it be free of any “attitude.” You want to write it or say it from a place of really wanting to know so you can “fix” things if possible. Then schedule a time to do this – face to face if you can or on the phone.
» When you sit down with her, really listen to what she is saying. It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong; what matters is how you can fix this. Oftentimes these things that come between us are misunderstandings or misperceptions, and once we know what they are, we can clear them up and start repairing the damage. But remember that feelings can be intense. When she feels slighted, hurt, or wronged, she really wants to feel you “heard” her; that you “get” her pain. Be patient and don’t give up. Dr. Brann holds a Master of Science in Clinical Psychology and a Ph.D. in Psychobiological Anthropology. www.drdeannabrann.com info@drdeannabrann.com
by M o n i ca I rv i n e
It’s the Small Things That Count Hello friends! I’m going
to start a series on being a host that I hope you’ll enjoy. This month we’re going to begin with houseguests. If you’re like me, I love having company... well, most of the time. I love when friends and family come to visit, and I love to do things that show how much I enjoy and appreciate their visit. One way you can do this is by putting forth a little effort in furnishing the guest room with some fun accommodations for your guests. Even if your “guest room” is your child’s room, with the right extras, you can make any guest feel like they’re on vacation and well cared for. For those who don’t have an official guest room, making a guest basket is a really fun idea. My
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EVERYTHING KNOXVILLE March 2013
children have helped me create our guest basket, which has heightened their excitement when guests visit, as they’re excited for them to see our special basket. Below you’ll see a list of suggestions for your guest room or guest basket. Please don’t feel like you have to provide all of these suggestions, but hopefully you’ll see a few that you like. Your guest basket is not for your guests to take home with them, but it remains in your guest room while they’re visiting. Each time guests visit, just simply freshen it up with fresh snacks, etc.
Guest room / guest basket suggestions:
» Extra blanket, good reading light, clock radio, wastebasket » Coat hangers, safety pins, luggage rack » Lotion, bath salts, shampoo/conditioner, fresh soaps » Toothpaste, new toothbrush, fresh towels, fresh cloths » Magazines, short books, suntan lotion,
snacks, sweets » Calendar, vase of flowers, lint roller, extra pillow » Headache medicine, stomach ache medicine, notepad, pens Once again, just have fun with preparing your guest basket. I don’t purchase these things all at once. When I’m out, I just keep my guest basket in the back of my mind in case I see a great deal on something. Letting our children help prepare for guests teaches them a really valuable lesson. The lesson is “it’s the small things that count.” What a great opportunity to help our children experience the joy of giving and helping others to feel valued. Have fun!
Monica Irvine, Certified Etiquette Instructor
Visit www.TheEtiquetteFactory.com today to see the Manner’s Camp Schedule for 2013.