FINDING YOUR VOICE

By Claire O’Leary

Three power packed days of renewing the nest, speaking, being with a powerful group of survivors and advocates my community my second family and watching “Bittersweet” made me feel at home and understood.

The excitement began when Carla mentioned the event at the Statehouse and the documentary Bittersweet about The Survivor Nest Project. I knew I’d be there in support but was surprised when asked to speak as well. I found myself getting more and more nervous as time went on. This was different, this was in Boston, 2000 miles away. I’d shared my story in public many times but it never came out the same way twice. “What would come out of my mouth this time?” But I needen’t have worried. This time it felt so powerful. I felt so powerful—as though this time people were really hearing me, listening carefully. I was finally seen and heard.

I have finally come home to myself. I am worthy!

A few years ago, when I was on a panel of professionals and survivors, I discovered that the average age a Child Sexual Abuse survivor discloses their abuse is 58. I’ve recently read the average age is down now to 52 and even lower.

Fifty-eight (58) years old struck me because that is the same age that I realized my abuse – my incest – had turned me into a consummate “ YES” girl.

That morning as I finished my writing, a little girl standing in the doorway flashed before my eyes. “Wow, I hadn’t seen her in over a year,” I thought to myself. “ Why is she coming to me now? ”

I’d done enough personal work to know this was something I needed to pay attention to. So, I gathered my journal and my pen, practiced some deep breathing until I was calm and centered. I started writing...Tears streamed down my face as I relived those moments from my childhood.

For the first time, I allowed myself to remember everything, feel everything, see everything, hear every word that was said.

I saw the small trailer, the kitchen, the bedroom where everything happened. I wasn’t supposed to go into the room where my younger sister was sleeping, for fear of waking her. But my uncle took my hand and led me into the room with him. My sister laid on the bed.

Ewe, I remembered how it felt to have him touch me at the young age of 5. Suddenly I knew that it was my uncle who

molested me at that young age.

As we heard the front door open, we knew it was my parents coming home. He was out of there in a flash. I stood in the doorway, afraid to walk out into the kitchen. Even though my uncle took me by the hand and led me in there – even though I said “NO ” I felt that I’d done something wrong. “ Will they still love me? ” I wondered.

My uncle stood by the kitchen sink as though nothing happened. My parent’s sat at the kitchen table. “We told you not to go in the bedroom.” I heard my mother say. I tried to explain. “Don’t talk back,” my father said. I was silenced.

I decided in that moment that in order to be loved, I had to be anything anyone wanted me to be and to do anything anyone wanted me to do.

I became “the good little girl” at home, at school, with friends. As I got older, I became a “yes-girl” at work and in close relationships. I married a man who was abusive but didn’t realize it was abusive behavior for many years. The fear of being unloved and unaccepted always stood in the back of my mind. Always saying “yes ” when I meant “no.” I took on the belief systems of those around me even though I didn’t agree with them.

I had no clue who I really was or what I believed in.

Unable to voice or even know my own opinion, “Will they still love me?” was my mantra for over 50 years. I lacked selfconfidence. Even with my second husband, if I did something I felt he wouldn’t agree with, guilt would ensue.

I lived by the decision of that 5-year-old until I finally allowed myself to go back there. Allowed myself to remember – to feel it, to heal it.

When I stopped writing that day, I felt a weight that I didn’t know I’d been carrying lift from my shoulders as I realized I no longer needed to live by the decision I’d made at five.

In that moment, I knew it was time to empower others who’d been through the same. I knew it was time to help other survivors find their voice.

I’m Claire O’Leary. Today, I empower survivors to shatter the long-held silence of their sexual abuse. I am the founder of Voices Heard – the interactive e-Zine that empowers sexual abuse survivors to shatter their silence through story-telling and expressive arts. Sharing their story not only helps them heal but helps others as well.

About The Author

Founder of The Empowered Voice and Voices Heard, Claire O’Leary is a survivor of incest. She created Voices Heard as a safe space for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story so they can shatter the silence of their sexual abuse. Sharing their story empowers survivors to become more confident, feel comfortable in their skin, and be seen and heard.

Claire’s mission is to lower the average age a CSA (child sexual abuse) suvirvor discloses their abuse from age 18.

If you or someone you know is a CSA survivor, don’t wait like I did until you’re 58 to heal from your trauma. Find someone to share your story with – a close friend or confidant – and begin your healing journey. When you’re ready, join the community of those who share their story in Voices Heard.

We heal in community.

Help us change the average age a survivor discloses from 58 to 18. Break the silence of your abuse.

Help stop the abuse of children. Support Senator Lovely’s bill to help prevent sexual abuse of children and youth by adults in positions of authority or trust.

Claire shares her own story as a Speaker, Mentor, and Advocate. She lives in Colorado with her husband and enjoys being a mother and grandmother to her adorable grandson. She is also a Reiki Master and artist, She’s an avid reader, meditates and dances her heart out whenever possible.

Find Claire on Facebook, and Instagram.