9 minute read
GROOMED
By Tink Bess
The week of April 10th, 2023 has been one of the most powerful.
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It started the preceding week, as I was writing my story of the abuse. Being able to own the wrong doings, the violence done to me as a child, was so healing. It meant so much to me to know that telling my story was part of a much bigger picture that would help validate the passing of these bills that our Massachusetts Senator Joan Lovely was presenting to our Massachusetts legislature.
With the passing of these bills, we will be the first state in the country to have such comprehensive legislation that will help eradicate childhood sexual abuse and ensure that victims have much more power in the process afterwards. Knowing that telling my story would have impact beyond my own healing means so much to me.
The week itself reminded me of the power of survivors coming together… It was:
• Healing in action.
• Showing up and standing strong, as a survivor among other survivors,
• A community of powerful, strong, brave people showing up to heal ourselves and help others.
• Remembering and knowing we are not alone.
• Knowing that finding a voice in community will reverberate and ripple out into the world
• Reminds me that the possibilities are endless.
• Finding power and strength in coming together.
The abuse I am talking about today, like most children, happened by an adult who was entrusted with my care.
I was 11 years old, at a summer camp in the beautiful quiet woods of New Hampshire on Lake Sunapee.
I was groomed by a counselor, Ted, who was in his early 30’s.
He slowly gave me a certain kind of attention that while confusing, I did not know how to process or understand what was happening, so before I knew it, he had created a relationship with me as if I was his girlfriend.
I was 11 – Ted was in his early 30s.
It’s so hard being 61, smart, educated, savvy, integrating the reality, that my 11-year-old, was THAT unaware, to be swallowed up by this pedophile of a man. and yet...
I do understand enough now about the combination of factors coming from an unstable home life with no boundaries, how vulnerable that left me, alongside, having zero education about what appropriate boundaries are, with no capacity or understanding that I could say no.
It all adds up to understand the easily created fertile ground for pedophiles.
In my vulnerable, already overwhelmed brain and body, I let him do whatever he wanted to me, including taking naked pictures of me every day in his cabin, and many other behaviors that were not appropriate.
The most traumatic part of this whole summer experience was when he came into my cabin, encouraged me to quietly leave, stealing me out, into his car, drove me around on the deserted country roads, on a pitch-black moonless night, he pulled over onto the side of the road, put down a tarp on the stone hard surface, and raped me.
Had this legislation been in action when I was young, if I was educated early, I might have known to say no from the get-go.
Had I been educated to understand boundaries; what’s OK for adults to do with us; what isn’t, it’s quite possible I would have told someone.
I exhibited many behaviors after that summer, not doing well in school, becoming introverted, shutting down completely.
Had this legislation been in play it’s quite likely I could have been spared the depths of suffering, depression, and many other symptoms, common to survivors, if I had gotten attention soon after the trauma.
Had my mother been educated about the signs of abuse it’s quite possible things would have been different for me.
But as it was, that 11-year-old summer, when my mother got home at the end of summer, from her job as a performer, and discovered a massive pile of love letters and some packages I had received from Ted. She confronted me in an angry, aggressive way “What is this?! What did you do? !”
At that moment, all I can remember now is that I screamed at her to leave me alone. “This is none of your business!”
And in her confused overwhelm, with my shut down, with us screaming at each other, she let it go, other than calling the Camp to ask about it, and what they told her was that they fired him.
The camp told her he moved on to another child and thus they knew something was not right and they fired him. That was the end of that.
She let it go, And, it was never spoken of again,
As time went on within a year, I blocked out the entire experience, put it in the back of my memory bank. It was never mentioned again.
Thus, it was left to me and all the other children he molested to bury, then sort and live with the endless repercussions.
Had the camp owners or counselors been educated/trained...
Had my mother been educated...
Had my teachers been educated...
Someone would have likely noticed and there may have been a different approach to “my problem”.
So much of my anguished life possibly spared.
Had a grown up approached me with care, understanding the possibility of abuse, I may have confided and may have gotten help early, instead of what happened; which was no one talked to me other than, the shouting match with my mom, so I had no recourse other than to block it out as survival.
I did not remember a single thing from that summer, when I was 11 years old, until I was in my early 20s when some of the memories started to surface.
While many aspects of that summer came back to me in my early twenties, it wasn’t until I was 52 that I remembered the rape and all that happened that night.
It took me 41 years to remember the night that would impact my life forever – 41 years of traumatic memories held in my body since I was a small child.
It is impossible to name, or understand the amount of consequences that holding 41 years of that much buried trauma can cause someone; from physical, to emotional, to the choices made as a young adult and adult enduring an unrealized PTSD with no visible proof.
Understanding what we know about blocking out traumatic memories, and how long it can take to remember them, I appreciate the legislation that smartly speaks to accommodating these gaps, thus changing the statute of limitations regarding criminal prosecution for crimes of sexual assault and rape of a child.
Sadly, rarely, is it only one time, one person, or one perpetrator.
High school for me was a vocational school for the arts; photography my passion. My primary photography instructor, Lou, a married father, who I spent most hours at school with, learning from, inspired by – a kind, caring, smart, talented, man I looked up to – my mentor shocked me when he tried to molest me in the dark room, pinning me down.
This was somebody I deeply respected who fully supported me, his guidance was my whole life at this point, and to realize that the most supportive adult in my life, could not hold a boundary, I must have felt destroyed once again.
Once again, my honed skills of dissociation allowed me to block it out for years to come.
I was still stuck in a trauma body of deep denial, so that it never occurred to me to report him.
It feels crazy to me that in today’s world of understanding, with how many children and young people and teenagers are abused, over and over and over again that there have not been, yet more ways to protect this from happening.
Or at the very least, when it does happen, making it easier for the victim to be able to remember, to tell the truth, and to have support at the ready.
While we don’t have the power to control what other people do, we do have the power to change laws & make laws that might mitigate the damage done by other people’s actions.
I am very grateful to you all for allowing us survivors to speak today.
I am hopeful with such thoughtful comprehensive legislation that there would be no hesitancy to passing all of it.
That is the least we can do to honor all past survivors and hope to end future trauma.
About The Author
Having turned 60 this year, Tink Bess feels as though she is entering the prime of her life.
A few poignant past life experiences include social work for the elderly, being a hospice volunteer, and raising three entertaining children.
Her next chapter combines two of her deepest passions; dancing & being in community with other survivors.
Beginning in May, Tink will be offering movement classes on zoom for survivors of sexual abuse. The hour long class is an opportunity to move into our most authentic selves while having fun & feeling powerful. No experience necessary; for all bodies & abilities.
Tink is a certified Let Your Yoga Dance® instructor — a movement practice bringing user friendly dance and the chakras together. This is an experience without pressure and much joy.
Join Tink’s free class, May 7th on zoom. She will be offering ongoing zoom weekly classes. For more info email: Tink. Check out her instagram page @ letyoursurvivordance and her website: letyoursurvivordance.com.
