by James Lai
I always thought that doing the things I wanted to do around other people is a drag. When you work in group projects for a college assignment, there is usually one or two person(s) who is/are pulling the entire team down. When you approach that person to talk about his/her performance, he/she started showing some attitude. When you want to jog or cycle around, you probably have friends who are usually far behind so you have to slow down your pace so that no one gets left behind. When you want to hit the gym, go on adventures, try out new food and places, etc., there are usually friends who can’t or are not interested to join you so you decide to cancel your plans because you had no one to go with. Personally, I find that I’m restricted from living a more content and fruitful life because of other people around me. Hence, I decided to come up with a resolution for this year; “Whatever I want to do, I will just do it, even if it means doing it alone” – and I did. For the first quarter of 2016, I’ve been away from home due to work. I had the opportunity to travel all around Sarawak and experience new food, places and people along the way. Everything was great until I started feeling ‘empty’. I didn’t know how to describe this unpleasant feeling. ‘Empty’ describes it best. I tried to understand the reason for feeling this way. Maybe I was bored? My laptop and phone had no games. I ran out of movies to watch on my laptop. There was hardly any WiFi at the hotels I stayed in. I was abstaining from listening to secular music due to Lent. What else is there for me to do? I
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constantly went jogging at the places I’ve visited (Sarikei, Saratok, Sibu, Kapit, Mukah, Limbang, & Sri Aman), checking out places of interest along the way, hitting the gym and cyber cafes, and so on. But I still felt empty. Maybe it was my past sins and relationship with God that made me feel this way? I needed God to fill this ‘void’ in my life. Hence, I went for confession, did my penance, prayed, asked for forgiveness from people I’ve hurt, and performed corporal works of mercy. Certainly, something in me changed when I did all that. It wasn’t easy to perform corporal works of mercy when you’re doing it on your own
and there’s no one else with you for support. However, I still felt empty after making myself right with God. Why? I thought I received love and showed love through Christ. I talked to a group of friends about this and they helped me understand what my love language was at that time – quality time. It was something which I had not had for quite a while. My love tank was empty. Perhaps, this was what ‘empty’ means. I needed somebody to talk to and spend time with. At the same time, I didn’t want to bother anyone else who might have other better things to do than just keeping me company.