ooh daddy Your father held you in his lap and put his hands over your eyes during scary movies, and your boyfriend pulls your waist close to his when a man on the corner of the street calls you “sexy.” Your mother tied your tie for your first homecoming dance, and your girlfriend rubs your shoulders before your big job interview. As children, we wanted love and protection; it’s not crazy to think that young adults desire the same sense of security. Like with people who have a “type”—dark eyes and dark skin, freckles and blue eyes, or even someone older—there’s an ease that comes with familiarity and consistency in an environment where you can’t be entirely sure what tomorrow will bring. This is why we are drawn to those who are similar to our parents; it’s why people meet a potential partner and say, “I feel like I’ve known them my whole life.” Being attracted to someone because they resemble the person who changed your diapers can be an uncomfortable topic. Discussing sexual attraction to one of our parents in today’s society is— for lack of a better term—a cringeworthy topic. However, the emotional attachment and general attraction in our contemporary relationships can still be connected to the people who raised us. Jack Demick, a practicing psychologist and professor at Emerson College, says that our ideas about relationships were first formed during infancy. “Based on the attachment relationship that we develop with our primary caregiver, in some ways that attachment, whether it’s secure or insecure, is going to become
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Words: Caroline long Photo: Andri raine
a prototype for relationships that we learn very early on.” If you were a baby that couldn’t leave mom or dad, then you would have been a securely attached child, and, subsequently, you would be likely to form strong emotional attachments for any significant other who could provide the sense of familiarity and comfort that your parents or caregivers initially gave to you. Lillian Mcmurrer, an Emerson student, can relate to Demick’s psychoanalysis. She said, “I have extremely high standards for how I deserve to be treated because my dad always made me a priority and treated me with respect and love and now I settle for nothing less when I’m dating.” Some couples develop pet names for each other, and these terms of endearment mimic the “sweeties,” “honeys,” and “babies” that we were once referred to as during childhood. A similar trend that has been sweeping social media and romantic current relationships is the use of “daddy” as a term of affection, which is a blatant connection to those who called their fathers “daddy.” Like most sexual kinks, many shy away from open discussion about the use of the word. One Emerson student, who has chosen to remain anonymous, said that his own experience with being called “daddy” left him confused. “I once had a boyfriend who would call me
‘daddy’ during sex. I don’t know what he would get out of it and I was always too scared to ask … it’s not the type of thing you talk about casually.” Online message boards act as safe havens for men and women who are curious about the sexual satisfaction that comes from calling their partner such a name. An anonymous, female Reddit user ties her interest in the pet name to her desire for comfort. “I
to the scene of the crime, so to speak, and resolve that parental relationship through a marriage. The unfortunate stereotype of women with “daddy issues” going after emotionally unavailable men may ring a bell. Equally, men raised by hypercritical moms, might be drawn to wives who pick on them. A Northeastern University student, who has also chosen to remain anonymous, “definitely has mommy issues,” as he put it. He said,“I was in a long-term relationship where I was totally dominated by her mentally and emotionally. She always gave me a hard time about being lazy and not doing shit, but since my mom was always on my back as a kid, I saw it more as motivation and being cared for rather than being whipped.” While there are new scientific studies coming out every week about the science of pheromones, testosterone levels, and facial ratios, the emotional security that we feel from our parents and our partners is a sensation that cannot be matched to anything else. We may not be actively swiping right for older men on Tinder, but Professor Demick says that we are simply looking for protection. “When you get down to it, people want partners who will understand and care for them like our parents, siblings, and caregivers once did. Birds of a feather flock together.
“the emotional security that we feel from our parents and our partners is a sensation that cannot be matched.” would never fuck my own dad, as if I even have to say that. But it’s like an energy thing. I can’t really explain it easily. If there was a two-syllable consonant heavy word that meant creative male energy that lifts me up, makes me feel safe, and wraps me in warm lady-feelings, I’d yell that instead.” Oftentimes it is not comfort, but discomfort that sways us toward those who remind us of our parents. Sometimes, people choose mates who resemble their parents not because of fond memories, but to make amends for an unhappy childhood. If you felt rejected or abandoned by a parent and still haven’t worked through it, your psyche might want to go back