A+ SEX
Yes, they’re really having orgasms These photos are part of Germanbased photographer Alina Oswald’s “Moments” project, a series she started in 2016 in which she captures real people (herself, her friends, even, uh, her coworkers) mid-climax. So far, she’s photographed 35 subjects; here is a selection of them. alinaoswald.de/project-moments
But women’s orgasms can be as confounding as a Westworld plotline. First we have to feel generally comfortable around you, then remember whether or not we left our curling iron plugged in this morning, reassure ourselves that we unplugged it, then remind ourselves that we’re making out with a guy we really like. The blood eventually rushes to our genitals, and the touching from then on has to be juuuuust right – not too hard, not too soft, and usually on the exact right spot. Things are going well! We’re feeling it! And even then, sometimes when an orgasm is ascending like a firework – poof! – it turns out it was just a dud. So it’s not exactly shocking to read new research in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that says that men have a difficult time telling when (or even if) women climax during a sexual experience. In the study, which looked at a nationally representative sample of nearly 1700 newlyweds, researchers found that 43 per cent
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of husbands misperceived how often their wives orgasm, in most cases overestimating their wives’ Os. Remember, these weren’t random hookups but people who put rings on it and, barring any 90 Day Fiancé–type situations, had had a few years or so to explore each other’s bodies. “The general lack of men’s awareness was surprising,” says Nathan Leonhardt, lead author of the study. “We were expecting some [gap in awareness], but such a high percentage tells us this is a very prevalent issue.”
WHY THE CONFUSION – AND WHY IT MATTERS If you look around, you’ll start to see similar data in other less, um, scientific places. A recent survey of 1000 men by sex-toy start-up Cunni – they make an oral-sex simulator, obviously – asked if men gave their partners orgasms during oral sex. Fifty-seven per cent of men answered yes. But when asked if they knew what
their partners liked during oral sex, 59 per cent of guys said they didn’t. And then 67 per cent said they sometimes weren’t even sure what they were doing during oral sex. Maybe it’s true that all those men really did give women orgasms. But they also could use a lesson in what women actually want in bed – even if they don’t think they need it. Another recent survey found that 42 per cent of men gave themselves an A rating in bed. Nice, guys. So what’s really going on here? Why the disparity between what men think is happening and . . . reality? (Before you go there, yes, faking happens, but you can’t fake it forever.) Not all men are clueless around a vagina. But that’s not to say some of you couldn’t use a refresher. Understanding the female orgasm takes some practice, but it’s important to school yourself on your partner’s pleasure, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, the man who literally wrote the book on it,
2004’s She Comes First. “In my practice, there are a lot of orgasm gaps and imbalances,” Kerner says. “And I can tell you that if any partner is not consistently enjoying sex and orgasm, it can have a big negative impact on a relationship.” Of course, most guys in a committed relationship want to please their partner during sex. “In the vast majority of cases, a husband wants his wife to be pleased with the sexual experience and wants her to have an orgasm,” Leonhardt says. “Sometimes men just need to have the courage to bring up the subject, talk it through and be willing to adjust the things that they’re doing to make sure she’s having a good experience as well.”
WHAT SHE SAYS Because how a female gets to orgasm can be as complicated as trying to understand blockchain (seriously, what is it?), we asked