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May 2011 Makati City “Putang ina mo (you son of a bitch), Harry!” I exclaimed in the cramped jeepney one week day afternoon on our way to the French Embassy. “Putang ina mo talaga.” Now everybody was looking my way, thinking how mal élévée (ill-mannered) this girl is. Harry probably being embarrassed and partly humbled by it all can’t help but just flash a smile. “Congratulations po, kuya Harry”. Charlie, being all cute looked sideways towards Harry. “Putang ina ka talaga!” Brushing off the positive remark of our companion, and honestly being so self-centered at that moment, I was unstoppable. We finally make it to our stop. We were headed to the French Embassy to get some materials for our school activity. I was filled with rage, anger but mostly jealousy upon learning that Harry made it to a scholarship and he was well on his way to a six-month exchange in Nice, France in just a few months. I have long dreamed of going on exchange ever since I was a young little girl. I would dream about it, the location being less of my concerns. I just wanted to be away for a while. I was sure I would do just about anything to get it. And you bet I did. I searched high and low, far and wide for an opportunity. But for two years, all efforts were futile. Now you understand my pain? But it definitely wasn’t fair for Harry. I should’ve been happy for him. I was, but I wasn’t for myself. I wanted this more than he did. Don’t I? For the rest of our trip to the embassy, I tried to be diplomatic. Being in the French Embassy was like being in French soil, now was it? We took a cab on the way back to school with the goodies - notebooks, pens, all sorts of giveaway items. This is the closest I can get to my dream of being in France. “How did this happen?” I exclaimed. I wasn’t quite done with Harry yet. I am 20 and I don’t know any better. I am still grieving the loss of my mother from two years ago but anything I did and do wrong after her death, I found a way to trace it back to when I lost her. It’s not easy losing such an authoritative figure in life, especially when you’re on the crossroads. So yes, I didn’t quite figure out a bunch of stuff during these past years. I’m not even sure if I know who I am. All I know is I wanted a scholarship to France, so bad, for the longest time. “I don’t know, this morning I got an email and it said I got in”. Harry told me a month before of an incredible opportunity for a semester abroad as an exchange student. It was too good to be true. All expenses would be covered and we didn’t even have to sweat off the application! No interviews, just a few documents, an essay and your faith was decided with these pages of papers. And he got it. I didn’t even get the chance to apply because I missed the deadline! To be fair, it wasn’t for the lack of trying. He was in the right moment at the right time. I had other things to do.
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II First Week of March 2012 University Campus “Ok, so it’s a tie!” I was sweating profusely as I saw my name written twice on the board while we were voting for the next school year’s executive board for the French Club. One for the presidency tied with another candidate and the other for a directorial position where I am on the lead. I have to tell them. Or maybe I can just refuse the position. That’s a better move. I’ll refuse and if they ask, I’ll say it’s for personal reasons. It’s safer that way. Better not to jinx it. “So we have to redo the votation for the presidency and we’ll deal with the directorial position with Helen’s lead later”. I hope I don’t win. Naturally, I voted for my rival. This is good. If I don’t win the presidency, I would still have a directorial position. And if I don’t get the scholarship this year, then I can focus my energy for the future applications I need to write until I get into one. “...we have 15 Megan, 15 Helen, we need one more vote to break the tie. The last ballot is for…” I have a feeling it’s for Megan. “...Megan.” Yes! So that’s one thing out of the window. “So that’s it, Megan wins as president and Helen remains as the Director for Publicity. Congratulations!” Should I refuse the position now? What do I have to lose? An item in my CV, that’s what. Ok, I guess I’ll keep this then I’ll just have to work on training the team should I get that scholarship. I have my eyes on Xyla as a successor.
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III April 16, 2012, 5:00 a.m. Home Notification: One new mail Subject: Results of the 2012 Scholarship Grant Message: Good day, It is with great pleasure that we inform you that you have been accepted for a six-month scholarship in Nice, France. Is it real or have I been hallucinating? I have to shift windows several times from my boyfriend Jean-Paul’s webcam feed in MSN to my Yahoo Mail. Did I really get it? Me: Jean-Paul, j’ai reçu un mail ! On se verra en France bientôt ! (I received an email ! We’ll soon see each other in France !) Jean-Paul: Comment ça ? (How’s that now?) Me: J’ai eu la bourse à Nice ! (I got the scholarship in Nice!) Jean-Paul: Bonne nouvelle ! Félicitations ! À très bientôt, oui ! (Great news! Congratulations! See you soon, yes!) I get a scholarship for six months and I get to see my online boyfriend in real life! I banged my father’s bedroom door and wept on the floor out of extreme happiness. Both my father and sister who were sleeping at that time woke from their deep slumber, worried. “What happened? Are you ok?” My father, half-asleep, muttered. “I’m going to France!” It was a declaration rather than asking for permission.
I am in my third year studying French in university. For some reason, one of the people I was chatting with in French for months now as a way to practice, became a lover. An online lover. We have not seen each other in real life save for the webcam sessions over MSN while we’re chatting. In addition to my regular semesters, I still take summer classes to free up my credits for other subjects I wanted to take. This summer, I am taking general science classes so my French is kept at bay. I didn’t want to “lose” it so I thought I’d regularly communicate with speakers. With Jean-Paul, one of my fondest contacts, I developed a sense of affinity. I never really thought about love, much less online love, as a possibility because I was just trying to get myself into an exchange program in addition to getting my diploma which is long overdue. So yes, I’m finally getting a shot at my dreams and a bonus! I’m not sure if this love of ours will blossom into something more in the coming days but it is indeed something to look forward to. I grab my Starbucks planner gifted by my cousin and jot down important dates. The next emails sent to us by our coordinator were filled with to-do lists and dates. This is getting more real by the day!
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They have booked our flights for July 31, arrival on the first of August. For a month, we will be enrolled in a French-immersion program before the start of autumn semester in September. I have recently learned that there were three of us in the same program at my university who got in. I guess it won’t be so bad being alone although I must admit I was looking forward to doing this single-handedly. Well, more like independently. For weeks I have been consulting Harry now via Skype. I have been in touch with him even when he was in Nice, as a way of apologizing for my behavior. We did send him off properly, providing him tips to survival, especially with grocery shopping and frying an egg. He was kind enough to be forgiving and never holding a grudge from my violent reaction against him. I missed him terribly. I acknowledge how rude my behavior was and I vowed to be supportive of his choices from that moment on. I spent an incredible amount of time with Harry during free time after school or in between breaks. I really do appreciate how he’s helping me prepare my sojourn through his stories, observations and experiences. It helps me make this more real and not just ideal. Along with my preparations, I had obligations. As much as I want to rush into getting into that Qatar Airways flight, my first long-haul flight, I needed to pass my summer classes and get my graduation picture taken. I decided to join my batch’s yearbook release the soonest I confirmed I was not graduating on time. The photo session was set the weekend before my flight and there was not much time left to slow down. Additionally, I had to announce the news to my classmates, orgmates and teachers to try to work things out so it would be easier for me to leave and come back. First agenda on the list was to get hold of my committee. I had my eye on Xyla, it was vital that she comes to the scheduled meeting. I sat everyone down and before I even uttered my first word, they were able to get it from my mouth. “You’re leaving”. Renne said a little bit too harshly. That’s typical Renne though. I know she means well. That night, I got into a nasty argument with Jean-Paul. I don’t remember how it ended that way but one thing led to another and I remember there was crying. Over MSN, with our webcams in the wee hours of the morning - when I would normally catch him online - we were weeping our eyes out. I just remember typing out “dis-moi que tu ne m’aimes plus et je vais disparaître” (tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll go away). I saw him type these words with reluctance and looked away sobbing. With that I shut off my laptop and got ready for the last day of school. Oh, and today was exam day. I failed the test. So I was a mess today. Well, I just have to focus my energy into my preparations for my semester in Nice. Minus the bonus that is to meet my online lover who no longer was. Funny how things turn quickly around. I was in concentration while in the chiottes when suddenly, a notification from my Hotmail alerted me on my phone. As soon as I got out of the toilet, I rushed to my laptop to see there were two mails from Jean-Paul. Apparently, since I logged out from our chat, his messages got in as mails : Je ne peux pas te quitter (I can’t leave you) Vivre sans toi c’est un cauchemar (To live without you would be a nightmare)
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