12
SATIRE
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
www.elvaq.com
Campus Bookstore to Accept Student Tears as Payment New technology emerges to allow people to cover costs a different way (and we’re not even talking about BitCoin)
ILLUSTRATIVE PHOTO: The Penn State University Bookstore is shown in this archival image right before opening for business.
By Ken Allard Editor-in-Chief The Glendale Community College campus bookstore will now accept student tears as a payment option for purchases as of Spring semester of 2018. All items in the campus bookstore can now be paid for via TearsDirect, a new, prototype payment system that collects student tears and accepts them as a viable currency. “We have been listening to our students over the past few years, and we’ve decided to make some changes regarding payment op-
tions,” said Lori Godfrey, assistant manager for the bookstore. “TearsDirect can now be used by GCC students short on cash, or those lacking in credit, to attain the textbooks needed to potentially pass their classes.” TearsDirect is a small, startup company out of Silicon Valley. Student tears are collected in a sample vial by the students themselves, then handed over either to the employee doing the checkout services, or, in the case of self-checkout, the vial can be placed into the machine for quick processing. “Not everyone has money
these days,” said TearsDirect CEO Samuel Green. “But everyone has sweet, salty tears – especially struggling students.” Just like with cash, students can transfer tears to one another’s TearsDirect account in the event that one comes up short on payment. For quick payment, students can collect their tears ahead of time, such as while at their parttime job or in bed at home, thinking about the impending despair of crushing student debt. Students can also pay on-the-spot at the register after, for example, viewing the textbook prices in-person
or their Sallie Mae accounts “This is actually a fantastic idea,” said sophomore Katherine Dominguez, who is in the nursing program at Glendale College. “Previously, when looking to buy my books, I’d have to either give up an arm or a leg, which would kind of interfere with my ability to study. But now I can just give them my tears, and there’s definitely enough to go around.” In addition to TearsDirect, the campus bookstore is looking into other options to ease the burden on students. According to sources familiar with the process, administrative officials are considering
Penn State University / Creative Commons
adding Prozac and Xanax medication to bookstore shelves. “This is really a bit of a trial run, in regards to this new program,” said Charles Boykin, a TearsDirect official who is in charge of implementing the service at GCC. “Student cash is great, students tears are even better. But this is just a step in the process – eventually we’ll look to expand our company into the lucrative student soul business.”
Ken Allard can be reached at kallard438@student.glendale.edu.
Baby, It’s Cold Outside!
Hypothermic GCC students burn scantrons to outlast sub-60 degree temperatures By Ken Allard Editor-in-Chief Glendale Community College campus was hit with a devastating cold spell last week, forcing students to burn scantrons to stave off the impending hypothermia. The sub-60 degree temperatures rolled through the normally sunny Southern California campus, pressing students into the inner reaches of campus, where they huddled with strangers and lit small fires made of valuable test-taking materials. “I burned through nearly $8.50 in Scantrons alone,” said sophomore accounting major Jonathan Gomez, fighting away the tears as he tried to recall the order of events of that freezing February morning. “I had Bluebooks in my backpack, but I couldn’t find the will to use them.” Gomez said the $1.50 price per Bluebook was too much to justify. Without additional objects to burn, he was forced to
brave the cold on his own. He lost four fingers to frostbite. Verdugo Fire Academy members conducted search and rescue efforts across campus and nearby parking lots. Multiple students were found in their cars with the heat on full blast. “I decided to wait out the cold in my car,” said freshman Michael Goodman. “It said it was 59 degrees outside, for Christ’s sake. I’m not risking myself for a 65-minute lecture on the gender fluidity of north African baboons.” Economics professor Rhona Ava knew something was up when her students were late for class. “They’re all normally five or ten minutes late – we’re talking about college students, after all.” said Ava. “But when twenty minutes passed, I called for help.” Students equipped themselves with thick winter coats, fur hoodies, and waterproof boots to no avail. “It was so cold, I just … I couldn’t even,” said student
Rawle C. Jackman / Creative Commons
COLD SNAP: Other parts of the country experience heavy snow fall, while California experiences sub-60 degree temperatures.
Christina White, whose toes were left cold and numb despite her prepping for the day’s brutal weather forecast with her black Dawna Ugg winter boots. “I could even see my breath.”
Glendale College administrators are seeking federal assistance to reimburse the college for lost dollars spent on recovery efforts. “A light drizzle is in the upcoming forecast,” said GCC President
Brian Weltz. “We need all hands on deck.” Ken Allard can be reached at kallard438@student.glendale.edu.