4
“CUTTING” continued from the
Jump Page was winning. I had to do something more than just cut myself, but what? That was the day it all took a final turn to what I thought would be the end. I thought about killing myself. It was deeper this time, worse than all the times before. I felt like I could actually do it. Just a little more and it would all be over. At that moment, however, I was scared to kill myself. Can I overcome this fear? I had a razorblade up against my wrist pressed down and seeping into the surface of my skin. I looked down to see the crimson stream of blood oozing down my arm. This was the best result I got. It was the sensation of pain in my arm instead of in my mind. I felt numb everywhere. Every night I watched the blood seep more and more heavily onto a t-shirt until I could fall asleep.
Spiraling down My life took another turn for the worse. I started cutting. The most awful time of day was always those last 10 minutes before bed. Crying was one problem but cutting was another. Every night I would sit on my bed looking at the beautiful disaster, the release of the painful memory at the cost of my own blood dribbling down my arm. It brought a rush of relief that
slowly turned into the reality of hurting myself once more. I would always clutch my arm wrapped in an old t-shirt and roll on my side to cry myself asleep again. Maybe the blood would disappear if I held it tight enough. It wouldn’t be the last time. Cutting became my routine every day for six months. The pain of waking up in the morning made me promise myself to start over new, stay happy and make peace with what happened. These daily wishes faded into lonely, long days and my only solace before my rest was the same razorblade. I didn’t want anybody to know what was going on with me and I didn’t want to stop. I never searched for help until one day a familiar voice called me. “What happened to you since you went down there?” my good friend Branden asked. How did he know my secret? I didn’t tell anybody. “Nothing, what are you talking about? I’m just tired,” I replied to him. He believed me. I didn’t know even my voice sounded depressed. That’s when I realized what I was doing was wrong so I reached out for help. One, two, three phone calls... Ring, ring, ring and nobody would answer. Four, five, six phone calls... Still, no answers... I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Voicemail after voicemail, my “friends” all ignored me. I was on my own completely now. No old friends and certainly no new friends. The only friend I had was my sharp, little comfort who loved spending time with me. I stopped reaching out to people. I stopped talking to people and I stopped functioning all together. Day after day, I witnessed people around me living their happy lives while I sat alone and broken. It was like watching a movie where everybody got a happy ending; everybody but me. It was me against the world but it felt like the world
By: Missy Lent She said it started as a phase, then moved into a dangerous lifestyle. At first, it satisfied her depression after hopeless days and miserable nights. It evolved into so much more than she would expect. The Englewood junior found relief in cutting herself with a razorblade because of a disorder experts say plagues many teenagers. “I tried everything but nothing ever helped,” said the EHS junior, asking her name not be revealed. “It was basically my only way out.” Her life came crashing down on her after many years of being shunned by her parents after they split up. “Once I started, I could never stop,” she said. She said cutting can become an addiction. Approximately 7 percent of middle school students and almost one third of all adolescents referred for clinical treatment have engaged in “non-suicidal self injury,” known as NSSI, according to www.psychologytoday.com. There are many different forms of NSSI but cutting appears to be the most common and the most popular among the teenagers who do harm themselves, studies show. “NSSI helps reduces feelings of negative affect or stress and is reported as a way to help produce feelings, even if the
feeling is pain,” reported Mitch Prinstein at www.psychologytoday.com. “Some report NSSI elicits a desired response from others in the social environment.” An Englewood sophomore admitted to starting to cut, not having anyone to talk to and secretly using it as a cry for help. “I had nowhere else to turn and I didn’t know how to tell my friends. All I ever did was try to hide everything,” she said, also asking to remain anonymous. “I can understand why teenagers would want to cut. Sometimes it’s the only thing making you feel. NSSI is more prevalent among girls as a way to relieve “extreme emotional distress,” according to the website. The most shocking fact, experts say, is that some adults and parents see NSSI as a phase children are going through and might brush if off, thinking it will pass. NSSI may increase an adolescents’ likelihood of suicide. All instances of self-injury must be taken seriously, experts say, because the risks are too great. If you would like more information or would like to speak to a helpline, please visit the psychology today website, a guidance counselor or contact (800) 784-2433. By: Missy Lent She said it started as a phase, then
moved into a dangerous lifestyle. At first, it satisfied her depression after hopeless days and miserable nights. It evolved into so much more than she would expect. The Englewood junior found relief in cutting herself with a razorblade because of a disorder experts say plagues many teenagers. “I tried everything but nothing ever helped,” said the EHS junior, asking her name not be revealed. “It was basically my only way out.” Her life came crashing down on her after many years of being shunned by her parents after they split up. “Once I started, I could never stop,” she said. She said cutting can become an addiction. Approximately 7 percent of middle school students and almost one third of all adolescents referred for clinical treatment have engaged in “non-suicidal self injury,” known as NSSI, according to www.psychologytoday.com. There are many different forms of NSSI but cutting appears to be the most common and the most popular among the teenagers who do harm themselves, studies show. “NSSI helps reduces feelings of negative affect or stress and is reported as a way to help produce feelings, even if the feeling is pain,” reported Mitch Prinstein at www.psychologytoday.com. “Some re-
front
He was a smooth talker and could play the guitar. What girl wouldn’t be interested in him? I know I was. We talked a lot and got closer. He became my only friend at my new school. After knowing him for only three weeks, we skipped class and hid out under the bleachers in the gym. My stomach filled with butterflies at his next words to me: “Will you be my girlfriend?” I finally felt like I could make myself happy out of a horrible situation, but I was wrong. Nobody was going to be home for hours that night and I had the house all to myself so I decided to invite my new boyfriend over. I was looking forward to spending the afternoon with him, talking and getting to know each other better. He, on the other hand, had a different idea of what we should do. When I told him no, that I wanted to wait until I was older, he didn’t seem to care. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “It’s not that bad when you think about it,” he said maliciously. I still didn’t believe him. He went on with what he wanted anyway. After he left, I staggered into the shower with the water running for hours on end. This was the moment where I figured out what betrayal was. I knew what it felt like to be dead. That was the worst day of my life. And that was when it all started. I was numb but I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel anything.
Closure About six months after arriving in Poinciana, I was returning to Jacksonville. As I packed up my locker, I met a boy named Jamie. On the last day of school, Jamie asked me if I’d be back next year and I told him no. We exchanged numbers with the intention of keeping in touch. Day after day passed after I arrived home in Jacksonville but I was still not happy. I had no friends. I was still cutting. I still felt like I had an empty spot in me that couldn’t ever be filled. A couple months later I got a random text from Jamie. I didn’t feel like replying but I did anyway. He just wanted to talk. And I realized I did too. We talked for days just getting to know each other. I felt happy for the first time in months. I looked around me and realized this guy living far away, Jamie, was becoming my new best friend in times when I had nobody. Jamie could almost read me like a book. He knew there was always something wrong. But never forced me to
tell him what it was. “You know I’ll never judge you and I’ll always be there for you, right?” Jamie would say to me every time he thought I was sad. I wanted to tell him but I could never find the words to say. But I had to tell him. I knew I had to. The word started spilling out of my mouth uncontrollably. “I wish I would have known you earlier so I could have stopped it,” he said. “I wish I could have done something to help you. I’ll never let anybody hurt you again.” I felt as if a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I could walk freely again. Better yet, I felt like I could breathe. The bittersweet ending I still have the scars on my wrists and all the painful memories that lurk throughout my mind but, there was one good thing that came from what seemed to be the end my life. Jamie. He was my best friend for only a year when I felt as if I knew him all my life. And it taught me that you never know when help might come. Not many people could look at their best friend and say, “you saved me.” I look at Jamie and see why I’m alive.
port NSSI elicits a desired response from others in the social environment.” An Englewood sophomore admitted to starting to cut, not having anyone to talk to and secretly using it as a cry for help. “I had nowhere else to turn and I didn’t know how to tell my friends. All I ever did was try to hide everything,” she said, also asking to remain anonymous. “I can understand why teenagers would want to cut. Sometimes it’s the only thing making you feel. NSSI is more prevalent among girls as a way to relieve “extreme emotional distress,” according to the website. The most shocking fact, experts say, is that some adults and parents see NSSI as a phase children are going through and might brush if off, thinking it will pass. NSSI may increase an adolescents’ likelihood of suicide. All instances of self-injury must be taken seriously, experts say, because the risks are too great. If you would like more information or would like to speak to a helpline, please visit the psychology today website, a guidance counselor or contact (800) 784-2433.