H O W T O AVO I D KI CKI NG YO UR PRO DU C ER IN T HE T HR OA T ◆
Convince someone with money to invest in the script (it helps if one took drama in high school, as this involves a lot of dog and pony show tactics and tap dancing).
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Listen to a director throw phrases around like, “My vision,” usually with the request for some profoundly expensive and useless piece of equipment.
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Try not to develop a Xanax addiction while waiting for your funding from investors to drop into your bank account.
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Find your screenwriter at noon facedown in a glass of gin at Musso and Frank’s mumbling, “They’re ruining my script.”
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Ask your lawyer to ask their lawyer what it felt like when his soul slipped out of his body, and what it was like to actually meet Satan.
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Tell the actresses they’re pretty.
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Tell the actors they’re pretty.
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Tell the studio executives they’re pretty. And smart. They really like that.
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Smile and nod when studio executives give you notes, generally trying to change your pensive tone poem on social inequality into a musical version of Porky’s.
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Smile and nod when one of your investors insists on having their boyfriend in the movie.
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Listen to the director yell and scream when you pass the above message on.
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Hire and negotiate everyone’s contract (which is why my hair is gray).
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Listen to more of “my vision” with a request to shut down several streets of downtown LA—for a full day.
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Send expensive bottles of liquor to all your vendors.
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Try not to say ANYTHING when your film executive says, “No, I’ve never heard of Citizen Kane.”
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Tell your DP there’s no more money in the budget for the camera department. continued
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