14.lifestylesex&relationships
thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
Top six... words for genitalia
1
Most likely to be spouted in Albert Square or by Guy Richie gangsters as they are kicked in the nads, this one is a strange incarnation. Skipping the idea of ‘value’, the idea of your genitals as an encrusted formation of rock isn’t the most appealing sentiment, especially one that is passed down throughout generations as a ‘family affair’. Yes, sharing the same genetics might have something to do with it, but please refrain from making me imagine an extended family tree of collective penis use.
2
A bit wordy this one; but a ‘pet’ name that, in 2008, coincidentally spawned several ridiculous film incarnations Bad Biology and One-Eyed Monster, presenting penises with a consciousness, going wild and causing mayhem. And as the euphemism suggests, that’s the way a lot of people like to view their appendage. A trusty concealed pet, hidden up the trouser sleeve and shown only to ‘special’ friends. Names for your trouser snake are optional. Although ‘Johnson’ is recommended.
3
Wizard’s sleeve
Originally called a Merlin’s sleeve, this whimsical moniker harks back to the time of King Arthur, a misogynist term wielded by the ‘lads’ of the round table. Although these days it ranges from the name of cocktails to mediocre hip–hop acts, its true meaning remains in describing a ‘well used vagina’ of poor repute. Even today wizards and warlocks keep their sleeves loose to perform magic effectively... you get the idea.
Axe-wound
4
Disgusting? Yes. Hilarious? Undoubtedly. As opposed to the aforementioned I don’t use this one on a day-to-day basis; I prefer to bust it out on special occasions in order to maximise its effectiveness. This euphemism stems from the resulting injuries of the kind implemented by Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining, bringing an interesting Freudian edge to the film’s most famous scene. Here’s Johnny.
5
Pork sword
Engaging in a struggle to survive, procreate and become the alpha predator is still part of our evolutionary heritage, raising its ugly head especially in the fuelled haze of one too many trebles. From the Excaliburs to the Swiss army knives of the pork sword world everyone’s got one: and before you know it everyone’s grinding, groping and getting them out in a sort of modern day rapier duel. Case Study: Bigg Market.
Flesh cavern
6
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The Courier
Got your number Scared to share your magic number with your friends at university? Don’t want to be judged for it being too high or too low? Emily Rae investigates who’s the cheeky chappy around campus
Family jewels
One-eyed trouser snake
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Chris Binding
T
his question prompts either a boastful answer or a bashful one. Or in one case, someone giving the number 25 under the assumption premise that we were wanting to know what their lucky number as opposed to their magic one. It turns out, there’s not really a way to broach the ‘So, how many people have you slept with?’ question particularly politely.
Although we had no qualms in giving an honest answer ourselves, going around campus asking strangers is a slightly different (excuse the pun) ball game. First, we confronted our preconceptions and speculated as to what the results would reveal. We were pretty certain that male students would reveal the highest numbers as they were (stereotypically) more likely to play the field than women. This is partly due to the age-old double standard that high levels of promiscuity somehow make a guy a “lad” or “player” and a girl simply a slut. Gosh, how dare we explore our sexuality, girls! Also, we thought that guys would probably
amend their figures because of this and girls would downplay their sexual experience. Although the results may confirm some preconceptions, the undertakings of the survey led to several surprises. For instance, we found that guys who had slept with between 2 and 5 girls would happily answer straightaway, whilst those with a higher or lower figure thought more carefully before answering. Interestingly, on the whole, girls were far more cautious in giving their answer instantly and often asked what kind of responses had been given so far, as if we, as strangers, would judge their number. Whatever the number, whatever the story - it’s irrelevant, as long as you enjoy it and stay safe.