Parenting The Good, The Bad & The Nasty

The ideal African girl child is expected to be well-groomed and cocooned. Protected from the distraction of men before they come of age to marry. Pressure mounts once at the age of maturity, which has varied over time with a history of child marriages and in recent times old age marriage of the educated female child. It is not uncommon for young girls to be questioned at each turn, as to when they would be getting married. The story of having a child is another dark trench to trail. It is funny how these questions come across as if there’s a standby market for husband purchases. Guess what, the elderly females in the society are those pushing forward this agenda. Always ready to probe, and criticise. An act that has seen many young ladies rebelling and taking a wayward turn in their lives. We like to believe that every single mom’s story tends to follow either one of these three different patterns.

The Good

The good single mom doesn’t have it all going for her contrary to popular belief. She got pregnant at a young age, had to jump through hoops, and cry herself to sleep sometimes but got her happy ending eventually; she found a man who accepted her and her kids as his own. We term them the lucky ones because she found her light at the end of the tunnel. She has her dark days too, you can’t have it all. But she’s not doing the heavy lifting on her own.

The Bad

This bad in our books represents the divorcee. She started with a wonderful family filled with love and laughter. Then one day things went south and life was never the same again. Raising kids in a brokenhomeisanythingbutblissful so she’s got a lot on her plate. A good number of single parents stem from divorces. Not marrying the right person plays a big role in thelifeofchildren;butthenagain, life happens.

The Nasty

This is your typical single mom, she got the deal breaker without the happiness ever after. She got pregnant at a young age, had to go through the five stages of trauma, and still has her head held high. In our books, she's the strongest of them all. She has her struggles, still trying to navigate life for herself, and still has self-doubt most of the time but she never lets the burden weigh down on her kids.

“Single motherhood is not an easy nut to crack and striking the balance between being a breadwinner and taking care of your children is never easy. The family structurerequiresbothamaleand a female presence for a child’s emotional and psychological growth.Whosaysitcan’tbedone? But there’s always going to be this looming disconnect that has nothing to do with gender”- Vivian

Kukah

One out of ten African women is a struggling solo mother (widowed, divorced, single) who can barely get by on the little income they receive. As if the financial burden is not strenuous enough, they get stigmatised, abused to some extent, and shunned. If they’re not married then they are bad eggs for getting pregnant out of wedlock. If they are divorced, then they can’t even keep a man, if they’re widowed then there’s probably some bad omen attached to it. The average African single mother is condemned to suffer because she can’t raise a child without a father figure or at least so they think. That however, is one side of the coin, not every single mother is doomed to a life of misery even as a teenager. You could have supportive parents and a partner who sticks around for the baby, you don’t need to be romantically involved to raise a kid. An ever-present father who is ready to pay child support will do the trick. Unfortunately, we can’t all be that lucky. We fall prey to some men who pop in and out just to destabilise the little stability we have managed to maintain for ourselves and the child, with unstainable promises and actions.

The 21st-century woman has however refused to be stereotyped, she has denied the narrative that the solo mother can’t do it alone. She is changing the narrative, writing her own story, and raising brilliant kids. The single mother today is a boss lady raising five amazing kids and building an empire while at it. She is at the top of her game, leading every business meeting and still managing to be present at every PTA and making each birthday more memorable than the last. Sheisleadingatribewhilemaking pancakes and waffles for her toddler; she is beating the odds. It doesn’t have to start well to end well but trust the process you will get there eventually.