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The Five Sources of Stress in Teens
Dr. Tim Elmore stress in teens THE FIVE SOURCES OF
had lives with his grandparents whose income is so low they live well below the poverty line in his school district. Because the school is understaffed and has only one counselor, Chad is consistently living in distress, possessing no coping skills.
Sara is bullied and sexually harassed as a middle school student. Her grades and demeanor reflect the poor school climate she endures on campus. She is withdrawn and doesn’t ask for help, even though she’s in survival mode.
Peyton has been sent to the vice principal’s office four times since the beginning of the school year. There appear to be no significant problems at home, but Peyton spends far too much time on smartphones and is reacting to social media posts. C
STRESS LEVELS YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT All of these scenarios are sources of stress in students. The stress begins as early as elementary school and extends all the way through college. According to the Wall Street Journal, “One recent study found that the rate of moderate to severe depression among U.S. college students rose from 23.2% in 2007 to 41.1% in 2018, while rates of moderate to severe anxiety jumped from 17.9% in 2013 to 34.4% in 2018.”
I have found that anxiety and depression often begin with high stress levels.
FIVE COMMON SOURCES OF STRESS IN TEENS 1. The Filtered Life Living in a world of constant updates leads to something called “FOMO”—the fear of missing out. Students are constantly comparing themselves to others they see on Instagram, Snapchat, and Pinterest. This often leads to feelings of stress and anxiety. Alexander Brent, a law student from the University of Tennessee, put it this way: “Social media provides a filtered view of our
friends and peers—the good shines through while the bad stays hidden. This can make us feel as if everyone is happier than we are, as if we’re the only ones with problems, and as if our problems can’t be solved.”
2. The Constant Notifications You already see the influence of the smartphone—and what it does to us all. Students from Generation Z have grown up with smartphones, not just cell phones. Thousands of pings, notifications, pop-ups, and personal messages bombard them daily, minimally distracting them, but often damaging them in a far worse manner. The most common word today’s college students use to describe their lives is overwhelmed.
3. The Supervised Norms Today’s parents, teachers, and coaches are conditioned to prescribe every minute of the young people they lead. Kids’ lives are so overly prescribed that by the time they hit college, many of them don’t have any experience with self-direction. Elizabeth Hildebrandt, from the University of Toledo, describes this new reality this way: “The typical college student arrives on campus after 18 years of being scheduled and micromanaged by parents. College preparation begins at least at age five, when kids can be shuttled from activity to activity—apparently that’s what ‘successful parents’ must do.”
4. The Undue Pressure Students tell me they feel pressure from every direction: college applications, scholarship competitions, test scores, parental hopes and fears, club sports, you name it. In fact, when we ask high school students in focus groups what causes them the most stress, school is the number one answer.
Emily Kaib, a student at Vanderbilt University, describes her feelings this way: “College is so expensive that students feel as if they have to be perfect. Otherwise, they might think they’re failing themselves and their families, who have invested so much in them and their futures.”
5. The Instant Gratification Perhaps no greater cause of misplaced expectations exists than a culture of instant gratification. The fact that young people can easily gratify almost any desire means that they often grow accustomed—even addicted—to that gratification. This can lead to a lack of resilience in tough situations.
Alexander Brent, from Tennessee, revealed the consequences of growing up in a culture of instant gratification this way: “By pressing a few buttons we can have meals delivered to our homes; receive step-by-step directions to our destinations; and even find people to date. This ability to satisfy our wants and needs instantly has created a tendency in many of us to panic when faced with real problems. We often lack the ability to grind through adversity, as we’ve come to expect quick and easy solutions. When things don’t go smoothly right away, they can seem hopeless.” ■
About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting With Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore. Used with permission. All content contained within this article is the property of Growing Leaders, Inc. and is protected by international copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, republished, distributed, transmitted, displayed, broadcast or otherwise exploited in any manner without the express prior written permission of Growing Leaders. Growing Leaders, Inc. names and logos and all related trademarks, tradenames, and other intellectual property are the property of Growing Leaders and cannot be used without its express prior written permission.
what is NEGATIVE PEER CULTURE
By KELLY ACKERMAN, LCPC
ne of the major tasks in the tween and teen years is self-identity in which kids search not to identify who they are, but how they fit into the world. Additionally, they begin to transition more toward a peer-view of the world where acceptance and peer influence increases. This movement toward independence and peer culture is normal and exciting. Identifying with and connecting with peers in healthy, positive ways often affirms healthy choices, decisions and improves mental health and family relationships.
However, parents often find themselves in a losing battle when kids make decisions to identify with a negative peer culture that may increase unsafe risky behaviors, disobedience or declining motivation. Please note that a negative peer culture is not made of “bad” kids, but the dynamic of the group leads to behaviors that often increase tension between the parent and child, and the school and the child while limiting the potential of the child. Of course, starting early as a family to engage in conversations about healthy peer groups is best practice, however, it is never too late to enrich relationships with children and continue to support healthy decision making. Included here are three starting points for parents to maintain positive influence in the lives of their children as it relates to friends and peer groups. O
GET TO KNOW YOUR CHILD THROUGH LISTENING AND REINFORCING THE POSITIVE Preteens and teens are eager to move toward independence. Actively listening to their feelings and thoughts without attempting to change them becomes a key relationship builder during this developmental change. It is a time to be curious and ask questions rather than instructing and telling which can result in distancing, isolation, or rebellion. As teens begin to question who they are, they may discover they have a
different thought about the world than what they’d been told. Listening fully to those differences without shutting them down will build trust and relationships, strengthening your credibility and trust as a parent. It is possible to share a different viewpoint than the child without needing to be “right.” Keep their development in mind and remember they have a need to explore different options without causing dramatic reactions from the adults around them whom they look to for support.
TAKE TIME TO DEFINE VALUES When our behaviors are not in line with our values, it creates internal conflict often in the form of negative self-talk. However, very few people take time to define their core values. Through defining values, we then have a concrete compass to guide our choices and decisions. It is important that each family member define their own set of values and for the family to define a set to utilize for boundary and rule setting. These values can be different with the understanding that family expectations will be decided based on family values. Yet, gentle confrontation can be utilized with a child who is making decisions that do not align with his/her personal values. This personal set allows for an internal motivation during the adolescent search for self.
KNOW WHEN TO SEEK HELP Notice when your child begins to shift into a peer group with whom you are not comfortable, and engage in asking about how the group supports the child’s values and growth. Make it a priority to meet and get to know the peers in the group, setting limits when you become aware of unhealthy patterns. If your child begins to refuse to change friendships or seems stuck in a negative group, seek the help of professionals, school teachers and administration, and let your child know that you love them enough to help them to make this change. When negative peer groups are not addressed, the behaviors and struggles are not likely to change, and will most likely result in further consequences. However, as a parent, you have limited ability to assert control because adolescents will sometimes stop at nothing to exert their own power and control. Seeking outside help is a positive step to showing up for your child when your influence is no longer being considered.
Parents play a key role in the lives of their pre-teens and teens. However, that role begins to weaken as children make the normal, developmentally-appropriate shift to increased peer influence and involvement. It is important to recognize this developmental task and offer support in positive ways to increase the likelihood that children will gravitate to and choose friends who will support their growth and development in healthy, fun, and motivating ways. ■
