Talking WITH Kids
ABOUT DRINKING By ART BECKER, LAC
Yay, another talk with the kiddos about something they don’t want to hear. Talking with kids about drinking alcohol equals talking to them about the birds and the bees. Approaching it as a dictator can cause push back, but with a little empathy this is a conversation that will reap more rewards than grief.
hen do we have this talk, is there a point when it’s too early, what if I’m already too late? There is not an ideal age for every child. The age is not important, the time is, and it is now. Our children learn much more from watching us than from the jargon we cleverly try to throw at them. So what have we been teaching our children through our behaviors? Do we drink? If so, how often? Have they seen us intoxicated, does drinking happen when celebrating, does drinking make people happier, does drinking come with being an adult, etc.? This isn’t to judge. On the contrary, we are looking to communicate with our children from this point forward through both our actions and our words. If we enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, could we reduce the frequency? Do we have beer with pizza? Could we swap it out for a soda occasionally? Kids will see the difference in behavior without us ever having to mention it to them. Adjusting the frequency will help them see that using alcohol is not the norm at home. Leading by example makes it valid when it comes to talking with children. They already know that other kids drink and they are pretty sure that we weren’t locked in our room throughout our high school days. Not drinking now is our biggest selling point. The “scared straight” talks about drinking and drug use will go in one ear and out the other. The “just call me if you’ve been drinking because I don’t want you to drive” talk is viewed as a permission giving statement, and the “if your friends jumped off of a bridge would you do it too” talk is just annoying. From sixth grade forward,
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they will be testing their limits and decision making abilities. If we lead by example our children will listen to what we have to say. Even when it doesn’t seem like they’re listening, keep communicating healthy normalcies through actions and words. REWARDS VS. CONSEQUENCES It is easy for parents to tell children that none of their perceived drama will matter in five years. The problem is that our wisdom comes from having had those experiences, and our children see us as trying to take these experiences away from them. How will they ever know if this was important or not if they don’t even get to experience it? Welcome to FOMO, the Fear Of Missing Out. This is significant when we talk to our children about their decisions surrounding alcohol and/or other drugs. A child’s emotional state hangs immediately in front of them and it relies heavily on their sense of acceptance. We as parents need to understand that our children believe they will be missing something great. We do not need to try to understand why they feel this way, we simply need to understand that they do. There is a definite reward/benefit perception by kids when it comes to drinking/drugs. How does this reward measure up with the logical, but in no way believed, possible consequences for drinking/using other drugs? This is where we can really help our children through our communication and empathy. When we talk with our children it is extremely important that we guide our questions carefully surrounding their believed benefits of substance use. Children will likely shut down surrounding this subject so it is best addressed on the sly. Asking a
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child about what is so great about going to a party will most likely result in the form of an argument about not being understood. Talking with a child about any girls/boys they’re interested in, what movies they’ve seen lately, what kind of car they would like to get someday, will open doors of communication which are normally under lock and key. We obviously need to bring up the possible consequences associated with substance use but we never need to address it as something our children have no control over. Children think consequences associated with substance use will never happen to them. They only think they won’t be accepted. Being excluded is terrifying but children can overcome such FOMO with our support. Offer to have friends over for movies, take them bowling, have them over for a BBQ, and just let them be kids. Establishing an environment where kids can do what they like where there is no substance use promotes their social development within a controlled setting. If kids feel as though they are having fun and being accepted by their peers, they are not missing out. There will always be fear of something but through our efforts to include, accept, and promote our children’s social wellbeing, the fear will not surround missing out on life. Only when they recognize they’re being accepted can we sneak in some words of advice about not drinking or using drugs because at this point it will not fall on completely deaf ears. Leading by example through our behaviors, open communication, and social support of our kids will nudge them in the right direction. ■