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Fake, fumbling and fabricated

cott Morrison’s latest lie (at the time of writing) is that the people who shared Novak Djokovic’s hotel detention before he was deported are not refugees. The follow-up lie is that he never said what everybody heard him saying. This is Morrison’s standard lie-within-lie behaviour, and he cannot help himself. He is like the man who farts loudly and then denies it while his fundament continues to produce audible bursts of gas. Echo readers will be well aware that our view of Scott Morrison is not a favourable one. Liar, bully, hypocrite, crook are just some of the accurate descriptors he has earned during his term as prime minister. Some politicians have been all of those things without being, in addition, utterly incompetent. Morrison’s incompetence, however, is epic; it seems to derive from his belief that God has appointed him to rule in these end times, so that it is impossible for him to be wrong. All that matters is the outward show of government, not government itself. Hence the glib lies to keep up appearances. Everyone knows the old rule of thumb: if you have to choose between cock-up and conspiracy, choose cock-up every time. So even Morrison’s harshest critics have assumed that the current crisis of COVID cases, test shortages, hospital overcrowding, supply-chain problems, etc is not an intentional plan but merely the result of his incompetence. No doubt it is. But the insanely ill-prepared ‘let it rip’ and ‘push through’ policies of the federal and NSW coalition governments seem to have been timed to coincide with the summer holidays. If the highly contagious Omicron variant cannot be contained, best to get the wave of infections over when economic activity is at its lowest. Then there would be three or

four months left before the federal election to rewrite the story with Morrison as hero. Of course such a plan would only avoid disaster if you procured an adequate supply of testing kits for essential workers, to keep supermarket shelves supplied, and a strategy for supporting the medical staff in hospitals and old-age homes, which would come under severe pressure. As we know, these easyto-foresee problems were not addressed, because they require competent government, and competent government is not Morrison’s thing. If you have gutted the public service, its various branches privatised, politicised and atomised so that it serves your party rather than the nation, then planning for emergencies becomes difficult. Never mind, there are ways to divert people’s attention. Morrison’s background – apart from being the Messiah of Hillsong – is in marketing, and the tricks of marketing taught him how to play the media. Although the perception of the prime minister as an incompetent liar is now widespread, it remains unexplored by most mainstream journalists, owing to his skill at feeding, managing and distracting the news cycle. There is an election coming, quite possibly in May, and to cover up his mendacity Morrison can rely on the loyalty of the Murdoch media, the increasingly rightward drift of what used to be the Fairfax papers, the cowed state of the ABC, and the money mines of Clive Palmer, which will be devoted to telling lies about the ALP. Nevertheless, it is one thing to lie during an election; it is quite another to believe you can govern with lies. We will shortly see how the nation views this when a liar presents himself for judgement. David Lovejoy, Echo co-founder News tips are welcome: editor@echo.net.au

Divorce can be a BUMMER

n spring 2013, Mary and Joseph bought a house in Suffolk Park for $500,000. They had moved up from the Central Coast a year before, newly married, returning to beautiful Byron Bay where they had fallen in love at schoolies. They borrowed $450,000 of the purchase price, and managed to pay the stamp duty and legals – just. Every time they paid the mortgage, they bought a bottle of wine to celebrate. The kids came in quick succession and interest rates just kept going down, but between maternity leave and Joseph’s recurring back injury, the loan stubbornly stayed about the same. Mary loved her job in retail fashion, and Joseph was a shopfitter in between surfing and diving and golf. They managed, and watched in awe as their house surged in value up to the heady heights of over a million dollars by 2021. They felt rich. Sadly, over time, their interests diverged. Joseph was always a bit of a conspiracy theorist, but COVID-19 had sent him seriously and intensely on the 5G Bill Gates Clive Palmer Craig Kelly Chem Trail. He was unvaccinated and missed out on work as a result. Mary, well she loved anything Mandy Nolan said, or wrote, or thought about everything. So things at home were, to say the least, pretty tense. Mary started studying, and Joseph stopped reading. Things came to a head when Mary caught Joseph putting up posters for a demonstration at the Gold Coast for FREEDOM. Separation for unresolvable differences was on the cards. Stop. ‘Stop right there’ – think Meatloaf in Paradise by the Dashboard Lights. Just stop and think Mary and Joseph because this is Byron Bay, and The Echo has just set up a Byron Un-Marrying Market Equity Referral Service (BUMMER)

‘Mary and Joseph separate under the one roof until they can sell the house, which goes for ëƖĈƐĶşŕ ëƐ ŇƖƆƐ şưĕſ ȧǧȁǨ ŔĶōōĶşŕțȁ

David Heilpern exactly for this situation. Here is what happens if you don’t use BUMMER. Mary and Joseph separate under the one roof until they can sell the house, which goes for auction at just over $1.2 million. Gasp. Smiles. Millionaires for a moment! After they pay the mortgage and the lawyers and agents they are left with $700k split two ways – $350k each. And on their incomes, they can only borrow about $300k more, so are left with the grand total of $650k to buy… well, something so the kids can still live around their friends and stay at the same school. For decades the answer to this conundrum was north of the Brunswick River. What can you buy with that there now? Nothing. Fast forward three years, and Mary lives in Casino, where she has traded fashion for Norco, yoga for darts, Mandy for Pauline, and the kids still get called dirty hippies. Joseph is eternally couch-surfing in Lennox, at ‘mates’, and his equity has dwindled to bugger all. How does BUMMER work? You register your equity in the ‘I’m soon to separate’ category, and list your employment status, political preference, vaccination certificate (or not) and number of dependants. Most importantly, you detail your amount of equity post separation. And then you wait to be matched with someone with enough capital that between you and a big mortgage you can buy back in to Byron Shire. You don’t actually separate until you have been matched.

Yes, occasionally straights and gays have to learn a bit of compromise in the old bedroom department, age differences of more than 40 years can be challenging, and compatibility takes second seat to practicality. Because this is Byron, and getting a house is the only game in town. Mary gets matched with Jane. Their relationship is prickly with six kids between them, but neither are living in their car on Koonyum Range so that’s something. Joseph gets matched with Margaret, who is aged 77, quite deaf and quite cantankerous. As you can imagine, weekends are pretty tense when he has the kids. They live in the back of Ocean Shores, with a view over the highway. Still, it beats a pal’s foldout lounge in Lennox. Joseph has long COVID, so he’s eternally grateful to have a roof over his head. And thus the moral to this tale is to register with BUMMER well prior to separation, because the alternative is a lifetime subscription to Soulful Abodes for the Tribe. A fate worse than crucifixion. Or just stay together with your original partner and live with seething resentment and chronic revulsion. Many do. And fees for BUMMER are a one-off payment of $500 (Afterpay available). Refer your friends for a discount. Welcome to the Byron Bay family law dilemma. Jesus wept. Q David Heilpern was appointed as a magistrate in 1998, and was at the time the youngest magistrate in Australia. He ‘retired’ in May 2020.

The Byron Shire Echo Volume 36 #33 January 26, 2022 Established 1986 • 24,500 copies every week

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The Echo acknowledges the people of the Bundjalung nation as the traditional custodians of this land and extends respect to elders past, present and future. Disclaimer: The Echo is committed to providing a voice for our whole community. The views of advertisers, letter writers, and opinion writers are not necessarily those of the owners or staff of this publication.

Phone: 02 6684 1777 Editorial/news: editor@echo.net.au Advertising: adcopy@echo.net.au Office: Village Way, Stuart Street, Mullumbimby NSW 2482 General Manager Simon Haslam Editor Hans Lovejoy Deputy Editor Aslan Shand Photographer Jeff Dawson Advertising Manager Angela Harris Production Manager Ziggi Browning

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