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E N T E R T A I N M E N T
soAP Box
by Mandy Nolan
THE SWOOP ON MAGPIES Some days I am reminded why I am lucky to be living in Australia. Yesterday was one of them. As I cruised past my local newsagent I caught sight of the banner headline for a local daily which declared ‘MAGPIE DANGER ZONES REVEALED’. The headline intimates that someone has been keeping magpie danger zones secret. That some sinister arm of the government has attack zones mapped, but these can only be accessed by high-ranking officials with special access. Documents have been withheld, the CIA has been implicated, but now, thanks to Beakileaks, the lid has been blown right off. Researchers have worked around the clock in the interest of public safety. Undercover reporters have possibly had to pose as magpies themselves to gather the data necessary for thorough danger-zone mapping. If in the last week you were swooped by an abnormally large clumsy maggie, then relax, it was just a journalist in deep cover. The headline is so dramatic, you could replace the word magpie with paedophile: ‘PAEDOPHILE DANGER ZONES REVEALED!’ (Although paedophiles, unlike magpies, aren’t seasonal and when they do swoop, it’s not your eyes that they’re after.) In other countries around the world citizens have more serious fears, like suicide bombers, civil war and snipers. The danger we face here in Australia is black and white. Less fundamentalist and more feathered: we’re scared of angry birdies. In our defence, we are not a nation of pussies; the magpie is the Aussie sniper, the tiny terrorist committed to bringing down our country men and women one cyclist at a time. And why not – cyclists are bloody annoying. Who among us hasn’t felt the sudden urge to swoop a cyclist after having to slow to 10ks an hour on a major highway waiting for the appropriate moment to pass? And your defence in court? ‘I was defending my nest, Your Honour. I had children in the car.’
According to medical data, the most often attacked group is cyclists, followed by pedestrians. Statistics reveal that these account for 47 per cent of magpie attacks. Really? Who are the other 53 per cent? Thank god the danger zones have been revealed because I need to know where I’m safe. Are magpies upgrading their methods and mounting attacks on shoppers, swimmers and people enjoying the comfort of their own homes? Imagine making love to your partner in the seclusion of your own bedroom only to find the sudden vigorous movement has bought on a magpie attack. (Another reason NOT to go on top – maggies always attack the tallest predator.) ‘Look it in the eyes,’ you scream as your partner’s skull and ears are mauled by an angry bird. Along with punching a shark in the face, looking a magpie in the eyes is part of Aussie mythology. It should be on the citizenship test. Interestingly data from hospital admissions notes that the most commonly attacked area of the body is the eyes. This is possibly from the provocation of idiots ‘looking the magpie in the eye’ when it’s actually attacking. You’re not protecting yourself, you’re providing it with a bloody target! I once painted a picture about magpies titled ‘My grandmother on valium being attacked by magpies in the park’. It captured a moment in the life of my maternal grandmother who suffered serious injuries from a magpie attack because she was so zonked on diazepam she didn’t have the muscle strength to fend them off. In fact, she found the whole experience rather relaxing. It is time for Australians to be alert yet not alarmed. Magpie breeding season is with us now. Experts suggest we sew eyes in the backs of our hats, wear two pairs of sunglasses and that when walking through danger zones we use a helmet. Even if we’re not on a bike. I’d say any attacks by magpies on people prepared to be such paranoid dickheads are well and truly justified. I’d swoop them myself. He has become known for his extrovert and flamboyant stage presence and his tremendous command of the violin. For our local concert he is joined by the Mueller International Chamber Orchestra on Friday at 7pm. Tix available at The Book Shop, Mullumbimby (ph: 02 6684 1413). Tix: Full $30, Conc $25, Students $20. For more info email localcommunityevent@gmail.com, or call 0424 253 539, or visit www.attillasautov.com.
Mama’s in town Mama Kin is a force to be reckoned with, fresh from a rollicking tour of North America, including dates with The John Butler Trio and stellar performances at Ottawa Bluesfest and Rocky Mountains Folk Festival. The Sunday Mail raves ‘a delicious hotpot of soulful grooves, seductive melodies, storming percussive beats and classic old-world instrumentation’. She’s at the Mullum Civic Hall on Thursday 29 September.
Classical Concert for Mullumbimby
Noonan’s Seed The gorgeous Ms Katie Noonan is joined by her trio Elixir next week, along with The Tulipwood String Quartet playing the Mullum Civic Hall when they launch her longawaited second album First Seed Ripening. Critics are raving that it is exquisite, and no doubt the public will too. With Katie as the focal point it’s easy to lose sight of just who the trio actually are! Melbourne-based guitarist Stephen Magnusson is a major solo recording artist in his own right and is regarded by many as Australia’s finest jazz guitarist. Rounding out the trio, Katie’s husband Zac Hurren provides his mellifluous, lyrical saxophone lines, as distinctive a feature of the Elixir sound as Katie’s sublime vocals. Mullum Civic Hall on Friday E & TH 23 September at 8pm. Tix: $35 (+bf) pre / $40 door N A I HE IST – www.kupromotions.oztix.com.au – and at Byron A CHR FFAIR AT T N L O R CA NK A NORTHER Music, Barebones, Mullum Books, All Music & U F Y DIRT L GREAT AY Vision Ballina / Lismore. E D T I O R H ON F
As part of his 2011 NSW spring tour, Attilla Sautov will be performing in St Martin’s Anglican Church, Mullumbimby. Attilla started playing the violin at the age of four in Tashkent. In 2000 he moved to Germany where he worked as concert master in several leading orchestras. With them he did performances in the most prestigious venues all over the world such as the Sydney Opera House, the Berlin Concert Hall, the Ottawa National Art Centre and the Hong Kong Art Centre.
Dirty Old Town Carola Christian together with The Dirty Funk Affair produce a unique sound fusion of rock, soul and pop, with a strong retro vibe succumbing to affairs with Latin and wayward romances with funk… creating an eclecticism that makes them hard to categorise. They play The Hotel Great Northern this Friday, 10pm.
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The Byron Shire Echo September 13, 2011 19