Sunsets

By Sparrow Mark

This short story contains descriptions of suicide and depression The characters in this story are fictional, but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. We advise reader discretion while reading.

I remembered how I would watch as she smiled so sweetly every time we watched the sunrise, but the truth is, I never needed the sun to rise in my life. I just wish that she knew she was the reason it was always so bright outside, regardless of what the source of light was. They say “there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel,” and she was mine. Even during difficult times, she has never failed to make me laugh Something as simple as her presence always ended up making my day, no matter how awful I felt.

She always seemed so happy whenever we were together, and it made me happy to know that she enjoyed the moments we shared with each other. Ironically, I’d say that she was as if the color yellow was a person, but she was streaks of red and orange and pink painted over a big blue sky too. She was a never-ending canvas full of beautiful sceneries that flourished with color fields packed with flowers, trees overflowing with leaves, clouds swaying across the gentle skies and every one of them was almost as if they were from a dream. Every scenery was different, but paintings of the fall season would perfectly describe how I felt about her Fall has always been my favorite time of the year because it has a sense of security and warmth in the homely smell of it. I started associating her to it because she made me feel that way too Home isn’t always a place Home can be a person, and something about her always made me feel like I belonged. While seasons and feelings may come and go, they were eternal for as long as we were together.

Sienna was so much more than simply a color. She was everything to me.

Every year, I used to take her to the boardwalk next to the ocean for the annual fair, but this was my most memorable trip. We went on the most thrilling rides and won loads of prizes from games like ring toss and skeeball. When we finished trying almost everything in the fair, we bought a massive cone of ice cream Each scoop was a different flavor, and we shared it as we rode the ferris wheel. The glimpse of all the colorful lights and the view of the illuminated city in the near distance was one of the most breathtaking experiences I’ve ever had Even our long walk back to my car was delightful, and we stopped to admire the gleaming ocean. We raced down to the shore and danced under the moonlight, kicking the water beneath our feet as we laughed. I never wanted that night to end.

After I dropped her off at her house, I drove back to my own to settle down for the night. It was truly the most peaceful drive I’ve ever been on. There were barely any people on the highway, and it had begun to sprinkle from the cloudy night sky I smiled to myself the entire 45 minutes back to my place, listening to Sienna’s favorite songs on repeat. I convinced myself that my life was just too good to be true, and it was, because little did I know that leaving her alone that night would have been my biggest mistake

If I could turn back time, I would’ve warned myself that when I woke up the next day, the sun wouldn’t be there anymore.

It really felt like time had suddenly stopped that cold, dark morning Well, time always stopped when I thought about Sienna, but this time, it wasn’t because I fantasized about all the things we could do and all the places we could see. It was a feeling of pure emptiness. I just couldn’t live in the moment if she wasn't in it with me anymore

The once surrealistic and vibrant painting will never be finished. It will never be varnished and displayed for an audience to admire It will simply never be complete no matter how full it can become, and neither will our lives because she decided it was best to take her own. Everything seemed perfectly normal the night before, but I guess I was terribly mistaken.

When I eagerly checked my phone, expecting a good morning text from Sienna, I was confused to find a very long message from her instead. The more I read, the more panicked I became This was all just a joke, right? It has to be.

The peaceful drive I had the night before soon turned into the longest and most dreadful When I arrived at her place again, I banged on her door and begged her to come out. I honestly don’t know why I assumed she would answer. A few minutes of silence passed, and I decided to unlock the door myself I’ve always had a key, but I never thought I would’ve needed to use it until that day.

I searched frantically for Sienna, losing more and more hope every time I left an empty room My heart was pounding so loudly that it felt like I was in a horror movie where the feeling of suspense would uncover something gruesome. I could feel my body growing heavier and weaker with each step I took, trying to resist what was inevitable for me to find. It was only a matter of minutes before I saw her fingers, splattered in blood, through the crack of the bathroom door upstairs.

Nothing would’ve been able to prepare me for what I discovered, even if I knew what it would be. I was aghast to find that she was as still as a picture a picture I wish I never did see. It was as if each memory in the camera recording our lives was suddenly tinted with red.

Even if she was always a joy to be around in my eyes, it seems I’ve failed to see the agony she was truly in Unknowing of the reason she felt she had to leave, I just couldn’t bring myself to try and understand why. While I’ve always tried to be understanding and patient, I was too distraught, yet furious, to even begin to question her reasoning And regardless of what I did to cope, I took her suicide very personally. I fought an internal battle with myself for years, and nothing seemed to convince me that I could not have done anything to prevent it.

Every somber day after that, I had endless thoughts and questions that felt like bullets going through my head.

I’m sorry I didn’t do anything about it

I had no idea.

Nothing has been the same since you left me.

Why did you have to go?

Are you satisfied?

But now I realize that there’s really no point in searching for an answer anymore, because in the end, do I really want to know?

The amount of regret and guilt I felt is still unbearable to this day. Nothing has gotten better since she left I still have no one to love, and I still don’t have anyone to love me. I’m aware that it’s entirely my fault, but Sienna is just irreplaceable. It feels disrespectful to make her share what we once had with someone else, even if she’s gone. I’m not sure how much longer I want to go without her I mean, any average person would’ve already moved on by now, right?

Today is the first day of fall one of the few first days of fall I’ve spent without Sienna And for the past few years during this dreadful period, I’d spend every night with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling for hours as I sank into my bed. The air around me feels so cold this time of year, and the environment always makes me feel as if I’m drowning I can't help but think about how everything seems to fade away. Every leaf flutters away from its tree and crumbles to the ground at some point. What once was the season of warmth was now just a cruel reminder that nothing lasts forever.

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