Preparing your kids, and yourself, for the big move out

BY LIZ CAREY

As parents, we work for years to get our children prepared to live on their own and be adults.

But when it comes to preparing yourself and them for the day they actually do move out, there are steps you can take to ensure their success and save your sanity.

In 2013, a Belgian study found that the desire to live on one’s own starts in adolescence and is ongoing until the big move out. Teens will stop idealizing parents and start to explore who they are apart from their family.

To help them make the transition, consider this advice:

Keep The Lines Of Communication Open

As the parent, you’ll need to make sure the two of you are talking about what is happening and what is going to happen.

“Let your child know that you’re going to miss them and establish up front what you expect in terms of communication,” said Diane Schmidt, a parenting blogger on The Spruce.

“If you prefer that they call you every week, then let them know and provide them a means of doing so,” she wrote. “Be flexible in your expectations and suggest alternatives, such as email or text messaging.”

Schmidt said it’s important that children know their parents will always be there for them, but also that parents not jump to their aid too quickly. Young adults learn a lot by sorting out their own problems; parents can’t solve everything.

Let Them Take The Lead

It’s their move. Literally. Now is definitely the time to step back and let them take charge. They need to make their own decisions and live with the consequences. If they make a decision you don’t agree with, by all means, let them know you think there is another way, but let them make the final decision.

“A good time to stop planning your child’s life is now,” Schmidt said. “Let them prepare for their move. Encourage them to make a list of things they’ll need, including important dates, such as registration and move-in days, and what they might need for their first apartment or their dorm room. However, leave the actual planning to them, letting them know that you’re around to help or to offer moving advice.”

Outline Their Financial Responsibilities

Most kids think they know all of the bills that have to be paid in any given month. But as parents, it’s our job to help them understand their finances, what bills they will be responsible for and how to budget their money. According to Melissa Deuter M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio, parents need to teach their kids basic financial skills — like budgeting, balancing a checkbook, saving for emergencies and paying bills, but they also need to let their kids know what happens if they can’t meet their financial obligation.

“Plan for every possible contingency you can imagine,” Deuter said. “If your daughter is heading to college with your financial help, have you discussed what will happen if she makes poor grades, gets homesick, or wants to change schools? If your son is moving to a new city to start a job, did you talk about how you’ll respond if he calls asking for money because he doesn’t make enough to cover expenses? A clear plan can keep parents from having to make a hasty decision at a time when emotions are running high.”

Take Care Of Your Other Children

When one child moves out, it’s important to talk to your remaining children about what is going to happen, and to encourage the child who is moving out to have discussions with their siblings. Change can be a frightening thing, and not having an older brother or sister around all the time can be a big change for younger family members. Remind them that their sibling will come back to visit regularly and that they won’t be gone forever.

But be prepared for a little push back as well.

“It truly affects everyone in the family — even the dog,” said Natalie Caine, founder of Life in Transition support services, based in California. “With siblings, it’s complex because on the one hand, they’re going to potentially be getting a lot more attention from their parents now. The contrast is realizing that — oh no — they don’t want this much attention.”

Take Care Of Yourself

For the better part of the last 18-20 years, you’ve been a full-time parent, sometimes on top of holding down a full-time job. Start to look for ways that you can take your time back. Always wanted to take up bicycling? Find a bicycling club and start riding. Thought about traveling? Plan a trip, or take a weekend break. There will be a time to mourn their leaving. But afterward, it will be time to refocus your energy on yourself a bit.

Take Care Of Your Significant Other

Being a parent takes so much of your time and attention, it may seem like you hardly have time to be a partner. Now is the time to reconnect with your significant other and to get to know one another again.

“By putting their efforts into rescuing their relationship from empty nest syndrome they now have reason to hope,” said Dr. John Gottman, a family therapist and founder of the Gottman Institute, of couple’s facing an empty nest. ‘They’re now doing things they did before they were parents, and they’re making new plans. While an empty nest can feel lonely, the transition offers couples an opportunity to renew their vows of connection and intimacy — one chapter has ended but another has just begun.”

There’s a lot to deal with when it comes to a child moving out on their own for the first time. From the emotional toll, to the financial toll, the process can be scary for both the child and the adults. But with a little advanced planning, a little flexibility and more than a little love, it can be a fulfilling experience for everyone. You and your child have been working toward this moment for all their life. Make the most of it. — MDT