Tuesday, April 1, 2003
The Chomicle
Sandstorms High
life, Low
on
cash
on
www.chomicle.duke.edu Vol.
No.
98,
Smart Move Members of the football team
collectively
announced
Monday they
transferring
are
to Pratt.
See page 9
126
YOUR
DAILY NEWS, UNTIL JUNE 2004
Duke enrolls
8-year-old Richie Rich �
substandard board
Despite
Rich and his
hydrocephalic
scores,
Dollar
. plucky dog
the newest
are
members of the Class of 2007.
By
ALEX COLLISON The Chomicle
adventurer and raga-
Pre-pubescent
muffin Richie Rich the
missions officials
“We’re
into
accepted
was
Book freshman class,
newest
excited
very
ad-
announced Monday.
quisition—excuse
about this
ac-
admission,”
me,
said
PRESIDENT NAN EARL KORAN and First Husband Boob Kohan address the media during Monday’s press conference
Chris
Guttengeld. “This
boy
should
add
Book
to
resigns after hitting NCCU
Nan
much-needed
ed snobbery.
to
a
construct
scraper in the
humor
and
affect-
The Chomicle
of
“How do you like my
announced
50-story
sky-
dollar bill
a
a
noticeably
exclaimed
in
one
half-mile
living
wide
trampoline
the
over
$2 billion, now?”
early Sunday
butt
mer
red-faced Nan Earl Kohan
crap”
I
the
When asked
about his
“Bite
replied,
dent in Edens
to
going
Quadrangle
with See DUKE’S MIDDLE CLASS
on
a
At
page 12
freshly opened a
press
Miller’ fraud
‘Roily
By
can
conference
it
was
really
was
prepared
as
cool
your
were
on me
fink
Looking
gan
has
head
ass.
a
someone
I
was
caught in
mouth, the feel ofleather
on
I realized that my future
Roily perience ing him
it has
so
to
“That’s
was
was
committee” that will
captivity shaped
I
finally exposed
two of his
gulag.
Russian
a
on
His
life,
ex-
allowsex.
an
see
up
there
are a
announcing
nent
departure
ry in the North
is
Roily
paid
She claims
good cheer
to do “noth-
Dook
in
every
some
night.
abused,
in
sworn
affair of her
own
poorly
lit
parallel
with
sweet
See SHOCK AND AWE
Duke Hos Pila|
on
conducted the
Roulette Blood Drive vivors. See page 3A
Monday
Annual
vantage
Mesopotamian were
dean
the next
only
days
of
Pole, Chaffed
a
bring
‘To
the can
ex-
be
lack of directed centralized leadership is the
neglect,” Chaffed heartily bellowed.
all, Chaffed promised
declare
to
put
on a
rosy,
a
harsh
beating
queried, with
no
sur-
Jesse
Pinocchio,
Union
Monday
Trinity
event, sponsored
by
absurdity of inherited success
’O3,
ate
the
Duke
was
can a
economic disad-
and security?” he
final jostling of his round, full belly.
a
from See ESTABLISHMENT CLAUS
afternoon. The Deuce
joyful
of its citizens to be truly free any
remains the arbiter of
archrival Batgirl, his eventual lover.
First
as
immi-
would
while the savage
different
afternoon. There
Monday
must also recog-
evil of
democracy
tush, though.”
page 1
in
Government,
face for the remainder of his DSG tenure. “How
SPECIAL TO THE CHOMICLE a
his
government
Most of
with Peter North.
dungeon
He does have
sworn
Student
the students of
to
one
nize that
ROLLY MILLER, in his younger days, takes
Inside
page 1974
president
was
as
University.
tent that
incessant
that his
he
exclaimed
“That’s the life he’s decided to live,” Chomicle editor
skanks
on
From his well-hidden facto-
bunch of
C.F. Kane noted. “It’s depressing to watch him throw his life away
smokin’ boo-tay.
a
CLEMENCY MORE
of Dook
after
leaves her in such emotional distress that
she has taken up
leaping Coach ICs
not reaching out to
the faculty of arts and crafts
to bring into the office
acrobatic Hollywood actress and mother of
philandering
DSG
president
sexually charged position, however,
16 children.
three criteria:
single bound,
Chaffed
William Chaffed
has wreaked havoc upon his marriage with fourth wife an
Bap-
“Spirit competition”
se-
By
ing, except be really, really, ridiculously good-looking.”
Tai,
a
the
Trustee
Josh the
in my
freaks.”
The Chomicle has found that
Kobe
Young
a
The job description that he alludes to is fuzzy at best.
a
including
students and strutting
to
pavement
The Chomicle
his outlook
try
everyday,” he said. “What I
Holding such
on
ego in
then when
appreciate life’s real gifts—like rough
sexually repressed
the
on
See KISSINGER FAN CLUB
for the last 27 years.
the attitude
based
lect the next prez.
Monday,
Pumas
Drew Nurk and DSG prez
Mor-
everything
lay with The Chomicle.”
born in 1937 in
was
in
gone
my face—it
committee,
into the
appointed Henry Kissinger
do
can
me,” Morgan said,
and others members of the
Kissinger
I
like
president
class. way to
tist, will judge
to thrust
“Spirit
his
on
Fustin
large presidential opening, Jaypee
scene
his
pounding
inexcusable,
as
day when
Chinese basket,” Roily Miller said. “The ball
And
“Today,
HANS BLIX
one
half-assed, just
president,”
The Chomicle
“It dawned
for-
pretending that that
kicking
“I feel that Hank
where
by
Jord in the face.”
with minor
of whoop
down
step
although
ever-
out of North Carolina
face injuries, while Nan fled the
George’s.”
statement
Recess editor Kevin Pride.
must
Ammons walked away from the inci-
admission,
I’m
me.
a
she said. “My actions
morning after
Central chancellor James Ammons.
Blue Zone.
Rich
she read
observer said she “kicked
place of Wannamaker Bormitory, and a
determine next Dook
to
Kohan had to face the muzak
SALVADOR ALLENDE
By
monorail.”
a
shape
Kissinger-led spirit competition
spark of
good
officials
Monday,
Late
plans
Oh, and
pres.
a
University
not hurt in the
the Union. See page 215 lbs.
In
case
this
was
you all
a
on
hadn’t noticed, and
joke.
following pages....
For all the real
left of center
we
sure
news
hope
you did,
you need,
see
the