OPINION - SATIRE
wordle ruined my life David Joseph I hate Wordle. Yes. I said it. I hate Wordle. Before you throw tomatoes at me, let me explain. My hatred for Wordle started on January 26th, 2022, a day I refer
Lauren Kern only have one right letter: “a”! I could not believe my eyes. I had never used more than three tries on a Wordle. The crowd of reporters reacted with groans and gasps as I quickly guessed the words “place”
to as “the incident.” I did my usual morning routine– drink some OJ
and “flack” in sheer panic. I realized too late that “plate” was a useless
and try to catch the bus before it leaves. Barely making it, I take a
guess because “adieu” contained an “e,” but my grief was short-lived
seat in the front row and open the application that had taken the
in the victory of “c” and “k” both being green, indicating that the word
wheel in my life. Wordle.
ended in “ack.”
I had started playing Wordle two months prior when a friend
Two more guesses. I could not afford to lose here. 500,000 peo-
recommended it. I vividly remember me guessing the word on my
ple were watching the broadcast– Terry Crews, Justin Beiber, the
first try. That was the moment I realized that I had a talent– No, a
President, anyone you could think of. I guessed the only word that
gift from nature itself. I was destined to be the world’s best Wordle
could come to mind: “thack.” The “h” turned green, but the “t” was
player! Wordle quickly enveloped my life. My popularity grew rapidly–
incorrect. I could not believe it. I was at the end of my rope. I could
paparazzi would constantly flood me outside my residence, news
only think of one word: “shack.” I typed the letters in and held my
stories would be written about me, and my parents even told me
breath as I pressed “enter.” The whole world seemed to go silent for
to give up on my dreams of becoming a doctor to play Wordle pro-
a second. I watched as all of the letters turned green – except for
fessionally. There was even a fan club at school for me. But little did I
“s.” I blinked and looked at my screen. The word was “whack.” I had lost
know that I was going to lose all of this that day.
my first Wordle.
I started my Wordle with the first guess: “adieu.” It was a phenom-
I don’t remember much from what happened after that. Appar-
enal word– but it only gave me a yellow with the letter “a” – indi-
ently, they had to forklift me out of my chair due to the state of
cating that “a” was in the word, but not in the right spot. I gasped
shock I was in. The world didn’t take the news lightly, the president
audibly. Never before had I gotten a yellow on the first try; there
declared a national emergency, and my parents kicked me out of
was always at least one green letter. Nevertheless, I brushed it off
the house. I now work in New York as a busboy, hoping to achieve
as the bus arrived at school. I departed for the entrance where I was
stardom again. But I know that stardom will never come back to me
flooded by reporters from the fan club all trying to witness a master
and I am convinced that it was all because of Wordle. That is why I
play his game. They asked me if they could broadcast this game to
hate Wordle. I hope that you all will join me and give up Wordle. It is
the world. Reluctantly, I agreed as I ventured for a second guess. I
the necessary solution to world peace.
guessed the word “graph.” I held my breath as the results revealed to APRIL 2022 21
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3/23/2022 10:14:55 AM
