The Dirty Truths About Pregnancy You Never Warned Me About This! By Katherine Bontrager
I was at a housewarming party when a few moms circled to chat. "My stomach is just not the same," whispered one mom. "I have this slight pooch now, despite losing my baby weight."
"My nipples never returned to their original size," confided another. "I could land helicopters on these things," she exclaimed to uproarious laughter.
And so the confessions continued, each mom discussing the ugly truths of childbearing that no one had warned her about. Welcome to the sordid underbelly of motherhood, the pregnancy dirty truths and surprises (both good and bad) that cause moms to lower their voices so as not to frighten and gross out the uninitiated.
Pregnancy's Dirty Truths For Amber Lindsey, new mom to 10-month-old Charlotte, the physical surprises of giving birth caught her off guard. "I was totally unprepared for how much my legs would hurt after delivery," says the mom from Portland, Ore. "I figured other areas would be sore, but it never occurred to me that my legs would be tired. I felt like I had just walked a 10K marathon!"
Another body bombshell? "I didn't expect that I'd feel like I had two bowling balls strapped to my chest once my milk came in," says Lindsey. "I'd been warned about that, but there's really no way to describe it to someone who has not experienced that full-to-bursting feeling."
Still, the emotional tsunami will linger the longest. Lindsey says she never thought she'd feel so much anxiety and panic about her ability to take care of her daughter. "I remember moments of utter terror at the thought of being on my own," she says. "The thought of my husband going back to work would send shivers of sheer terror down my spine. Then I did it, and we got through it and it was even fun! But it was scary to think about. Another surprise was an almost physical need for my own parents to be there with me and that I would completely breakdown after they left after their first visit."
But fear wasn't the only emotion to rock Lindsey. There was also the unconditional love that swept over this first-time mom the moment Charlotte was placed in her arms. "I expected that might take some time, but it was immediate and incredibly strong," she says. "I never thought I could unconditionally love and adore another being so much."
More Pregnancy Dirty Truths For Reace Alvarenga Smith, a mother of two from Arlington, Texas, the list of unexpected side effects included "cankles", mommy brain and a wedding ring that wouldn't fit at the end of pregnancy. And don't even get this mom started on what happens during pregnancy, in particular, how many random people feel inclined to offer unsolicited advice and even cop a feel.
"They have opinions on how you should deliver (drug-free, at home, aacckk!)," says Smith. "With my first child, I had a woman come up and touch my stomach, a total stranger. I was beyond annoyed. I grabbed her breast. She looked at me really shocked and I told her, 'Oh, I thought we were touching random body parts.' I'll bet she doesn't touch another woman's stomach without asking ever again."
But once the baby arrives, a big hurdle is the level of exhaustion, Smith says. "It's a whole new kind of exhaustion," she says. "Not the 'I stayed up every night this week to study for my final exam' kind of exhaustion, but a bone-deep, mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that takes a few weeks to get past."
Among the other little-discussed secrets of childbearing is incontinence, Smith adds. "It's more common than you'd expect, but rarely talked about, and it's an issue no one warns you about beforehand," she says. "I was very surprised by that and it took a bit to get that under control."
Another unwelcome secret? New moms tend to second-guess every decision they make. "And other moms are critical of your choices, regardless of which ones you make," Smith says. "Whether you breastfeed or don't; whether you co-sleep or don't; whether you're on a schedule or not; whether you decide to go back to work or not; someone will have something to say about your choices. You need a pretty stiff spine to get through motherhood."
Finally, this mom says, having a baby isn't like life in the commercials. There is boredom. Breastfeeding can hurt at first. It's incredibly frustrating that it takes three times as long to get out the door with a wee one in tow. And your prince charming of a husband can sometimes seem frustratingly incapable. "After pregnancy, the first six weeks are hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel," says Smith. "And the depth of love for your baby? Just amazing."
Pregnancy's Dirty Dad Truths
But moms aren't the only ones who encounter shellshock when baby arrives. Dads, too, have their fair share of trauma. Barack Levin is an Atlanta dad and author of The Diaper Chronicles: A Stay at Home Dad's Quest for Raising Great Kids (BarackLevin.com, 2009). When his son, Eden, arrived, Levin struggled to come to terms with the emotions he felt about his newborn.
"I looked at Eden and caught myself wondering how I was feeling," says Levin. "In movies and on TV, new fathers rush to hug their newborns, which are always good-looking, wrinkle-free smiling bundles of joy. Eden was not like that at all. He was wrinkled, mottled with different skin colors and had that stretched head. He was not at all what I had expected. I wasn't really sure how I felt. After all my expectations and months of anticipation, there was no real immediate connection between the baby and me ... One moment I was a carefree husband, and the next I was a husband and a father. Suddenly, the change seemed to have been too rapid for me."
"Adjustment and shock are probably the best words I can use to describe the first few weeks with Eden," Levin says. "Adjustment because everything now pivoted around Eden's schedule and comfort, and shock because nothing was what I expected. There was just so much work, so many chores involved with a new baby, and so little time for everything."
The Experts Dish on Pregnancy's Dirty Truths It's so important for parents to shed light on the sordid underbelly of what's to come physically and emotionally once baby arrives. But professionals, too, in a variety of fields, know that knowledge is power and that the more parents understand about pregnancy and childbearing, the better they can cope with the reality, both good and bad.
Dr. Karen Greene, a clinical psychologist in New York City who specializes in pregnancy, birth and postpartum issues, urges parents to realize that there's a range of emotions inherent to Baby's arrival. "Many mothers express that they are astonished about how strongly they love this baby, that they could never believe how intense this feeling is," she says. "At the other extreme are women who don't feel attached, and they're very distressed at that feeling and feel inadequate since they see the attachment of the other mothers, something they don't feel right away."
Another emotional revelation comes with the general loss of control when baby arrives. "Many women wish they'd been warned about all the various losses of control over their lives and time," says Dr. Greene. "Babies aren't terribly predictable in the beginning [with] moods, sleep cycles, eating, etc. Many babies cry inconsolably for significant periods of time. Women, who always felt competent and effective, are all of a sudden faced with a tremendous sense of helplessness and loss of control. There's no training manual for the day-to-day uncertainties. Moms may also feel cut off from many of their usual social supports. Certainly they may not feel they can reach out to their friends from work or other women who don't have babies."
Dr. Greene adds that many women are ashamed when they feel they're not matching up to the social fantasy of the perfect mother. "Also, I think marital changes often don't get talked about ahead of time," she says. "This includes sexuality, fatigue, finding private time together, feeling sensual, having one's body back, feeling attractive and desirable, etc. Both parents may also worry about being competent parents and undoing or using the lessons about parenting of their own parents."
In all these situations, it's integral to keep the lines of communication open, and also to find other moms who are in the same boat. There's nothing like a good girlfriend vent session to make you feel that you're being heard, and more important, not alone. An added benefit is that other moms may have advice that's worked for them.
"Moms should try to make friends with other mothers with new babies," Dr. Greene says. "It's so very helpful to share and talk to others in the same situation, to get helpful hints or just commiserate."
Pregnancy's Physical Dirty Truths Physical changes can be just as disconcerting as unexpected emotional reactions, and every professional (dermatologists, primary care physicians, OB/GYNs and lactation consultants) is regularly peppered with questions regarding how the body changes with pregnancy and delivery.
Dr. S. Manjula Jegasothy, the president of the Miami Skin Institute and an Associate Clinical Professor of Dermatology at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, finds that most pregnant patients are most surprised that skin conditions they've had all their adult lives, such as keratosis pilaris and rosacea, magically disappear during pregnancy and re-appear after delivery.
"Many women get outward growth of previously flat moles and significant acne during pregnancy, when they've never experienced either before," says Dr. Jegasothy. "These issues may need to be addressed by a dermatologist, during and after pregnancy. The most serious skin condition that must be addressed before a vaginal delivery is genital herpes, because if it's active during delivery, the baby can contract it, and in severe cases, it can cause visual problems in the infant. But most skin-related issues that occur during pregnancy, delivery and the nursing period are ascribable to obvious hormonal fluctuations, and can be treated safely during each stage. So there is hope!"
Gina Ciagne, certified lactation counselor and director of Breastfeeding and Consumer Relations for Lansinoh Laboratories, has not only experienced firsthand the changes wrought by pregnancy, but also helps nursing and non-nursing moms alike cope with breast changes.
Ciagne admits that though she'd heard about changes her body would go through, she was still surprised when they occurred. The feeling of engorgement took her most by surprise. "Having taken a prenatal breastfeeding class, I knew what to expect and how to remedy the situation (frequent feedings and emptying of my breasts by pumping when needed), but I was still surprised when it actually happened," she says.
Ciagne also admits that while she'd heard that her emotions would take her on a rollercoaster ride, she didn't truly understand it until it happened. "The combination of fatigue, nervousness with having a new baby (even the second time) and the hormones surging through my body caused me to be a little more weepy and feel a little more overwhelmed than usual," she says. "I had great support and family members who didn't pressure me to get over it or to ignore it. Instead, they made recommendations like resting when the baby rested (a common recommendation that I cannot recommend more wholeheartedly), and not to hesitate to ask for help. As every week passed, the hormones leveled out, and I felt more secure in my parenting and nursing abilities. It's important for moms to know that this may happen and for their support system members to tune into and recognize when the baby blues have turned into something more serious."
Dr. Greene agrees entirely that it's integral to be aware of moodiness in the postpartum period. "A little moodiness which passes in a week or two is fine, but prolonged sadness, tearfulness, anxiety and loss of sleep might indicate that a new mom should seek help," says Dr. Greene. "This is one of the surprises post birth, one most women think won't happen to them and feel deeply ashamed when it does."
Ciagne urges moms to have an open mind and not compare themselves to others so they won't feel as though they're failing by not meeting someone else's standards. "You're doing all that you can with your abilities, your thoughts and your care-giving, so don't be hard on yourself!" she says. "It's a process. Take it one minute at a time and enjoy every moment as you bond with your baby."