say what
Another Rant on
CHILD STAR
BURNOUTS OCCUPY Making light of heavy matters... down to the last crack pipe and crotch shot WORDS LINDSAY SCARPELLO PHOTO CLAIRE SEDOVIC This story is old news. We all know it’s happening, and it just keeps coming back. For every doe-eyed child star we see on Saturday morning TV, there’s one that’s gone off the deep end. Case in point: Lindsay Lohan. The once-great ginger of the ’90s we all adored in Disney’s remake of The Parent Trap has long been the butt of jokes for anyone with an eye for pop culture. While LiLo was once known for decent turns in Disney movies such as Life-Size and Get a Clue, and Freaky Friday, she’s now much better known for panty shots, real shots, and brief stints in rehab and jail. Not to mention her emaciated, orange-y figure, topped with perhaps her worst misstep of all: dead, fake blonde locks in place of the gorgeous, thick ginger mane that once crowned her as the hottest redhead in Hollywood. And Lohan’s not the only child star that’s burning out. Demi Lovato, star of the cash cow Jonas Brothers’ vehicle Camp Rock!, recently went to rehab for “physical and emotional issues.” And we can’t easily forget the nudie shots and racy sexts from High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens. They’re not alone. A quick recap of the ’90s up until now shows a slew of young starlets that have gotten into a bit of a stink, including big names like Miley Cyrus, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears. One thing Walt Disney, among others, never anticipated was that employing
HOW TO BECOME A CHILD STAR BURNOUT
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children as stars for even family-friendly movies might lead to their ultimate demise. Child stars are notorious for bad behavior, and the blame is often attributed to the pressures of growing up in the spotlight. We’ve seen it for years, whether these kid stars pull themselves out of the cycle or not. Drew Barrymore did drugs and alcohol, including cocaine, by age 13. Saved By The Bell’s Dustin Diamond (Screech, duh) was once the gangly outcast at Bayside High School. He’s better known now for his leaked sex tape. Jodie Sweetin, aka Stephanie Tanner, from Full House became a crystal meth addict. And, in addition to Michael, more than one of the Jackson kids were a little screwed up. When they’re all tacked up, it’s sad. What is it about child stardom that turns these child cuties into teen terrors? I don’t think it’s just that these kids are thrust into the spotlight, but rather, how they’re treated once they’re there. And more specifically, how their parents handle them once they’re famous. Any parents can screw up their non-celebrity kid, but letting your children become too entitled once they’re rich and famous is becoming uncomfortably common and a big no-no. Of course, there certainly are child stars that have done just fine, never having a rebellious period at all: Natalie Portman, Elijah Wood, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emma Watson, and (so far) Dakota and Elle Fanning. And let’s not forget NPH. When you compare the two, the difference is slightly astounding. When it comes down to it, maybe all these kids really need to succeed is a healthy dose of reality. Sorry, up-and-coming stars, but fantasy’s out.
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Don’t wear underwear.
Get noticed
Be a triple threat.
By starring in a low-budget, madefor-TV movie.
Record an auto-tuned album, get a cable TV kid’s show, and appeal to tweens on your sold-out lip syncing tour.
Ever. And make sure everybody knows it.
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Get a DUI, do drugs, and post videos of it on YouTube.
Work out a house arrest sentence. Ankle bracelets are the new black, after all.
Go to rehab. Start young—even if you haven’t picked up a habit yet.
Break the law.
Hire a good lawyer.
OVERDOSE A writer’s take on a less-than-proactive protest If I never hear the word “occupy” again, I’ll be utterly overjoyed. I’m tired of it. It’s a cliché—think hipsters drinking PBR or Rick Santorum wearing a sweater-vest. And yet 99 percent of the media are still obsessed with the Occupy movement. So naturally, it’s all we hear about, save for the latest intrusive TSA security measure or the newest carcinogen. It’s not like I’m writing off the entire movement. I’m not sure what they want (is anyone?), but I’m glad to see they’re out expressing their myriad unclear grievances. To me, the protests come down to this: Occupiers blame everyone but themselves for their problems while they camp out in tents and play Frisbee. So you want to lessen the hold corporations maintain over American politics? That’s fair—the enormous sums of money that cloud our political process frustrate me, too. But I’m not quitting my day job to go whine about it. So you want to protest injustices in our country? Step right up— we’ve got plenty. You have a right to protest, and we need a little citizen participation in our government. But do it legally. Don’t complain, don’t trash our public parks and plazas, and don’t spew confusing, unclear doctrine. In the light of almost no unbiased information about the Occupy movement (because 1 percent of the media has 99 percent of the information, of course), here are a few things I’d like to clarify for everyone.
Occupy Occupiers’ Jobs While you’re sitting in plazas expressing your overarching discontent with the government, some smart kid is out there getting your job. I understand you’re doing something you believe in. And I know it’s hard when you feel you’ve been treated unfairly. But protesting won’t get you a new house or support your family. If those are things you need, consider getting a job (or two)—though you might have to fight with that smart kid to get yours back. The government isn’t Ty Pennington: It can’t afford to give you a new house, let alone get us out of our trillion-dollar debt. I apologize for my harsh tone—I don’t mean to be unkind. I really value your vendetta against... Wait, what is it you’re protesting again? Anyway, I just think someone needs to tell you what’s going on in the rest of the country. I imagine it’s a little difficult to glance over your Twitter feeds while you’re camped in a tent—although I’m sure you
WORDS OLIVIA YOUNG ILLUSTRATION CLAIRE SEDOVIC
wouldn’t patronize a corporation like Twitter. That would be a slight conflict of interest.
It’s peaceable assembly I don’t blame you if you’ve never read the entire Constitution. It’s not exactly a thrilling read. But I want to remind Occupiers everywhere that while you have the right to assemble and protest, you can’t do anything you want. Yes, the First Amendment says you can assemble—peaceably. And that means exactly what it sounds like: You can protest as long as you play by the rules. You can’t set up camp anywhere you want and then complain when the police ask you to leave. Check out the local rules, and register your protest. These are requirements that make sure we—100 percent of us—can peaceably assemble. I don’t feel bad for you when you face repercussions after refusing to obey the rules. The occasional police officer might not be fair or ethical, but most are just doing their job. If the police ask you to leave a park after hours, you can’t complain when they forcibly remove you. You have to be willing to accept the consequences—whether that’s jail time or pepper spray. And if you think police officers have crossed the line, report them. Don’t lump all officers under one umbrella of evil. After all, 99 percent of them are just middle-class Americans trying to make a living by protecting you.
#OccupyHollywood Why isn’t anyone protesting against Miley Cyrus? Or Stephenie Meyer? If there was ever an example of corporate injustice, it’s the Twilight franchise: One percent of the vampires have 99 percent of the fame. Meanwhile, werewolves are doomed to a life of misunderstanding and awkward imprint situations. And I can’t be the only one who’s enraged that Kristen Stewart has exactly two emotions and more money than I’ll make in my lifetime. Occupiers, I think we’ve uncovered a new target: Hollywood. I’ll join in. Let’s get out there, camp out on the sets of blockbuster hits, and let them know who’s really in charge here. Leonardo DiCaprio and Dakota Fanning don’t stand a chance. Maybe they’ll even play Frisbee with us.
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