Dan’s Papers May 20, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 17
Now it’s AT&T 3 Mile Harbor Hog Creek Road,The Street That Time Forgot By Dan Rattiner Once a month for the last six months I have been getting e-mails and texts from AT&T urging me to contact them because the bill they send to me by mail for my iPhone service gets returned to them as No Such Address. They tell me I can fix my address online. Or I can call them up and talk to a real live person and fix my address that way. You may think it odd that I’ve been getting these urgent messages month after month. And it is. Fact is that each month I do something about this. I go online and fix it. Or I talk to a
person and fix it. But then it’s not fixed and the problem comes up again when the next month arrives. What’s going on? I know exactly what is going on. The fix is made by either me or the person at AT&T, and then it goes down the pipeline to the computer in the Correct Address room at AT&T and this computer mindlessly decides that the address is INCORRECT, and so on its own, without any human intervention, it changes my address back to the wrong address. I live on a road called Three Mile Harbor Hog Creek Road. The road is about four miles long. It
appears with that name on all local maps. But when the data enterers who work at, I believe, Google Earth, entered the name of my street among all the other streets in the world, they blew it. After that, this incorrect data went out all over the world. It is out there today. Thus, plumbers and electricians using GPS cannot find my street. UPS delivering packages cannot find my street. And many companies I do business with send me bills, which get sent to that other location. That location is always the same. It is Three (continued on next page)
FAIRIES TO DESCEND ON PECONIC BAY By Dan Rattiner Two months ago, a fellow named John Ryan proposed to create a summertime ferry service, which would take people across the Bay that separates Sag Harbor, Shelter Island, Greenport, Riverhead and Southold on the North Fork. It seemed like a great idea when first proposed, but in recent weeks, people in some of these communities have loudly expressed their opposition. Now it has turned out that what has been proposed is not ferries, but fairies. I’ve heard this from a number of people, and though I have not caught up with Ryan to confirm it, it seems to me this is a whole different kettle of fish and all these people opposed are barking up the wrong tree. A group of fairies fluttering over Peconic Bay transporting folks from one port to another here on the East End would be just such a wonderful addition to this community. I don’t know any other resort destination in America that has fairies. I know Ireland has fairies, I know Transylvania has Dracula and there are places
in Africa where there are hilis, dwarf-like, mischievous water sprites. People trek to these distant destinations all the time to visit these creatures. All these people objecting to ferries getting in the way of sailboats and yachts and fishing boats are simply misinformed. The fairies would fly people OVER these boats, up to six at a time—in little wooden porch swings suspended by glittery magical ribbons to the waist sashes of the fairies above. The arrangement would be something like the horses and carriages that take visitors along the winding roads of Central Park. Except they would be fairies and they would be gently taking people 50 feet or so over and across Peconic Bay. Who could resist a fluttery fairy coming down to Long Wharf in Sag Harbor or Dering Harbor in Shelter Island to take you from one place or another for what I am told would be just a shiny 25 cents a person? You’d meet Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother or Peter Pan’s Tinkerbell, who would only be able to ferry two people at a time because of her size, or some other fairy from another tale,
perhaps from a Harry Potter story or the Lord of the Rings. Imagine the experience, swinging back and forth just over the masts of all the ships below, slowly making your way from the Riverhead Aquarium to B. Smith’s Restaurant on Long Wharf. It could change your outlook on life, not only because of the wondrous journey itself, but because of the very attitude that all fairies exude—that of good manners, cheerfulness, optimism and a confident belief in magical powers. Children in particular would love such a ride. And why not? Another good thing that could come of this would be a change in how we think of Peconic Bay. At the present time, all the different parts of the eastern end of Long Island have a clear identity. The North Fork is Wine Country, the Hamptons are the posh resorts for the rich, Montauk is a sportsman’s paradise filled with surfers, hang-gliders, fishermen, yachtsmen, golfers and surfcasters and Shelter Island is a (continued on page 24)