Issue 12
April 30, 2009
the
zircon. fine arts
Schuttinga, Taylor beg for interviews
Where did they go?
R.U. Thair Staff Writer
Cast of John Calvin Superstar receives due punishment for blasphemous musical page 0
features
Awareness Awareness Promotion on Campus
Event promises to rid society of the destructive problems of mainstream awareness page 9
sports
Prose Masters The English profs give it all they’ve got in the annual competitive poetry reading competition page 16
opinion Tuition cost is too low “My education costs are a steal!” page 1016
This past week, Bethany Schuttinga and Robert Taylor approached the Zircon editors and literally begged, on their hands and knees, to be interviewed. Despite their usual tendencies to refuse comments and deny interview requests, Schuttinga and Taylor felt compelled to share all the information they had concerning the recent decision to legalize same-sex WOW week partners as well as several other on-campus events. “We suddenly realized that students are more in the dark than they should be,” explained Schuttinga. “They have been
harboring a growing resentment towards everything ‘Dordt’ because of their lack of information and participation in important issues and events.” Taylor said, “We also recognized the potential
Despite the groveling from Schuttinga and Taylor, the Zircon editors decided that the paper always thrives without extenuating rhetoric from either of the two members of Dordt administration. As a result,
“Why can’t we share every square inch of our information with the Zircon?” — Bethany Schuttinga for greater community development at Dordt if we truly shared everything we know regarding every issue on campus.” “This will all be printed, right? Everything I’m saying? Because I want it to be, word-forword,” Taylor added.
the editors have refused to hear any comments whatsoever from Schuttinga and Taylor. “It is supposedly everysquare-inch in Reformed thought, isn’t it?” Schuttinga desperately cried. “Why doesn’t this area count? Why can’t we
share every square inch of our information with the Zircon?” She continued, “I just don’t understand. I have always had Even though Schuttinga and an open door Taylor want to be interviewed, policy, even they still prefer their photos not before Taylor be taken, especially while they’re and I decided begging on hands and knees. to talk to the Zircon. Yet Kleenex. the editors Taylor shared similar have not come to talk to me about anything that feelings. “I wanted to has happened on campus give all kinds of insight so far this semester. It’s into the issues around very disappointing, and campus, but no one will I feel an emptiness in talk to me. It’s so frusme for not accomplish- trating.” Zircon editors refuse ing a completely open to comment on why they and friendly atmosphere, she said, reaching for the are refusing to comment.
No Photo Available
Dordt revises promotional materials to cull rising enrollment Harry Palms Staff Writer With freshman enrollment increasing again this coming year and no end in sight, Dordt College has made plans to take drastic measures to fight the influx of new students. To combat rising enrollment, Dordt is going to change all its promotional materials to show the realities of life at Dordt College. The first step in the fight is a drastic change to the college’s promotional brochures. Photographs of students playing Frisbee on grassy fields will be replaced with darkened shots of students trudging to class in eight inches of snow. No students will be depicted as smiling or having fun but instead will appear
Pictures that depict negative aspects of Dordt life such as natural Iowa disasters and students wrapping up for the deathly-cold winters will replace all of the picture-perfect images on Dordt’s current promotional materials. Photo by Adam Baum.
nervously hunched over imposing textbooks. “We hope that giving these students a real picture of college life will discourage some of them from coming,” said Associate Director of Admissions Steve Mouw. “We’re also going to put the price of tuition and books in the brochures to see if that turns
anyone away.” This strategy will also help relieve the demand placed upon the dorm and apartment buildings. “Optimally, we’d like to have one person per dorm room and no more than four per apartment to maximize student comfort,” said Director of Residence Life Robert Taylor. “We’re trying
to dispel some of that sardine-can feeling that people get when they live on-campus. There may even be enough hot water for all the dorm showers if this pans out.” In addition to new pho-
tos and imposing monetary figures, the new brochures will also have manure-scented scratchn-sniff stickers and a complimentary calzone from the Commons.
30 april 2009
the
news.
New ink induces word addiction
of smell what nicotine does to smokers. Although nicotine is a harmful chemical, Dr. Pointe states that “the new ink is basically harmless; it just gives readers a dose of desire for the printed word. Due to the recent creation of ink containing an addictive Major newspascent called “currenteventine,” readers of newspapers have pers have already not been able to put them down. Photo by Paige Turner. begun manufacJoey Jo-Jo Shabadoo As the new wave of turing newspapers communication rolls in, with Dr. Pointe’s special Staff Writer the tangible black-and- brand of “Got-to-haveLast week, TIME mag- white print of a newspa- it” ink and have found azine reported nation- per is being swept away. it to be successful in reBut today, researchers taining readership. The wide newspaper sales had dropped 53 percent promise a new rise to the Chicago Tribune reports since this time last year. civilized press of yester- an increase in sales of 33 The magazine called the day. Dr. Ball Pointe and percent this week alone. phenomenon “death to his team of researchers The Dordt Zircon staff have developed an innothe civilized press.” has refused to employ The drop is a direct vative brand of newspa- the use of this ink in its result of news hounds per ink that emits an un- campus publication; its turning to more A.D.D.- detected addictive scent editors officially statfriendly forms of media to readers. ing: “Our news is addicThe scent contains a tive on its own, we don’t for their current event updates – podcasts, in- newly developed chemi- need a gimmick.” ternet news sites and cal “currenteventine,” Go ahead… just try to which does to the sense even blogs. put it down.
Football receives 10 million dollar donation Beau Tucker Campbell Staff Writer Dordt College recently received a check for 10 million dollars from an unknown donor. However, the money is only allowed to go to the football program, and 90 percent is to be spent within the next five years. The school has planned for immediate construction of a domed, retractable stadium that will seat a comfortable 40,000 spectators and be adorned with a beautiful stone exterior. The stadium will also include suites, box seating, and two jumbo screens, a gift shop and concessions that will include food from Chipotle, Jack in the Box and Taco Bell.
The school has also decided to upgrade the uniforms and colors to appear similar to the New Orleans Saints, and plans to change the sponsor from Russell to Under Armor. The school and team have promised to keep Coach Heavner and his staff, but they do plan to hire Mark Twight, who worked with the actors of the movie 300, to train the team. They also plan to hire Jerry Rice to coach wide receivers, Earl Campbell to coach running backs and Jon Madden to coach the offense and defensive line. The new quarterbacks coach is yet to be determined, but Coach Heavner says he will be choosing between Troy
Aikman and Dan Marino. Bob Lilly has been hired to work under Coach Bauer in coordinating the defense. These coaches have each been hired under a five-year contract, and Heavner’s and Bauer’s contracts have been extended to 10 years. The program has also focused on keeping attendance at games to a maximum by signing a cheerleading squad to a four-year contract. An interviewee that wishes to remain anonymous stated, “Until Dordt is able to create their own cheerleading program we will have to hire one.” The school has decided to hire 12 members of the infamous Dallas
Cowboys cheerleading squad, but due to Dordt rules and obligations they will be asked to wear full body sweat suits or full skirts reaching their ankles. Masks were pro- With some of the donated money, Dordt will hire the Dallas Cowposed but boys Cheerleaders, who have started practicing in sweat suits in the cheeraccordance with their agreement with Dordt. Photo by Polly Ester. leaders said they would The dorms are said to provided their own turefuse under those con- include a room for each tors, which will be availditions. athlete, a 32-inch televi- able at all hours for any The school plans to sion and a cafeteria in its help. construct a new dormi- basement serving topBethany Schutinga tory for athletes as well, notch foods for athletes also added that there which will be connected looking to grow physi- would be “no fire alarm to the stadium for quick cally. buttons to push or pull in access for practice. Athletes will also be the building.”
2.
opinion.
30 de abril de 2009
Same-sex WOW partners legalized Slip R. E. Slope Staff Writer In a stunning legal turnabout that few observers predicted, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Dordt College’s ban on same-sex WOW (Week of Welcome) partners is unconstitutional. The court handed down its unanimous decision Thursday morning. The plaintiffs in the case, Dordt juniors Alvin Shim and Joel Veldkamp, will become Dordt College’s first same-sex WOW partners next fall. “This is truly a great day for Dordt students,” Shim told the Zircon. “Today’s decision sends the message that on a free campus, the desire to help freshmen through orientation week should not be limited by gender or prejudice.” Shim and Veldkamp received the news by phone call early Thursday morning, and immediately celebrated by
Alvin Shim and Joel Veldkamp celebrate shortly after finding out they will (legally) become Dordt’s first same-sex WOW partners this coming fall. Photo by Warren Peace.
playing a round of mixer games. Still beaming from the news, Veldkamp told a Zircon reporter, “I can’t believe it. I’m overjoyed. I never thought this could happen in Iowa.” Traditionally, groups
of incoming freshmen at Dordt have been organized into WOW groups headed by two upperclassmen leaders, one male and one female. Shim and Veldkamp petitioned Dordt’s Student Services department
to head a WOW group together in January, a petition that was denied. At that point, they said, they decided to appeal to the courts. “Discrimination on the basis of gender has no place in Iowa society,”
Students plead for tuition raise Wey Tu Cheep Staff Writer Really? Only 25 roommates in SouthView? What a waste of space. What are we? English? If you think about it, the smaller classroom sizes are a waste of space too, which, here in Coupon-Cutting-ville, we simply cannot have. Why shouldn’t Ag majors sit in on De Vries’ classes and tune in to the new theories of Canadian Calvinist Worldview? Or Education majors: why can’t they benefit from Sewell’s endlessly spellbinding lectures on one year in history or chart out his astute predictions on the future of Sioux Center? We’re missing out here, guys! The fact is, we are
not paying near enough to this fine establishment of such a fabulous Christian education. Think about it. Our wonderful football team brings millions of dollars into the institution, money used for all majors, and who doesn’t go to the games? Really, free t-shirts! FREE. We’re Dutch! That’s worth at least $5,000 extra for sure. And what other college has a Chubby Bunny team? See? No matter which team you root for, you’ll win! Ya! Go Dordt! Just another life lesson that we will use to enrich our eventual careers. Add $2,000. All the community involvement that each student brings to the sur-
rounding area just begs for $1,830. The friendly, open, honest, loving relationships between students and staff is worth at least $7,450.92 The wonder and beauty of East Campus?-people should fight to live there! Pity Bob-there should be an overflow of students living in E.C. Value: $4,159. Construction. Is any price tag high enough? Who could focus without the crashing, pounding, hammering, chiseling, yelling of our very own construction project? Add the scenic detours and you’ve got $8,720.38. Instead of churches taking up offerings for Dordt, we should! Of-
ferings at Chapel, GIFT, P&W, in classes, even sports games! It goes without saying that Dordt’s overflowing, ever-elusive, never-sure-where-it’sgoing money box/slush fund needs replenishing. Who will step up? And since graduation is coming up – don’t you dare accept a diploma without giving a check to Zylstra! – We’re so grateful to Dordt for our outstanding education. Let’s give up our cell phones and pay to get back. Instead of the meager $26,000 a year, get a grip, Dordt! Pay what it’s worth! $55,160.30. Plus some. Get behind a hearty tuition hike.
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Supreme Court Chief Justice Marsha Ternus wrote for the majority. “The idea that Mr. Shim and Mr. Veldkamp wouldn’t make fabulous WOW partners because they share a gender is incoherent and untenable.”
Dordt’s Vice President of Student Services, Bethany Schuttinga, said she was disappointed and surprised by the Court’s decision. “This is yet another example of activist judges interfering with the natural order of college orientation weeks,” she said in a phone call with a Zircon reporter Thursday. “We will abide by the court’s decision, but our position remains that a WOW partnership should be between a man and a woman.” Shim and Veldkamp denied that their partnership would undermine traditional opposite-sex WOW partnerships in any way. Shim commented, “We simply want the freedoms that all other WOW leaders currently enjoy – the freedom to lead a WOW group with whomever we choose.”
Zircon Staff 2008-2009 Editors: Bree Brouwer Alli Moerman Supervisor: James C. Schaap Photographers: Kelly Cooke Naomi De Boer Copy Editors: Adrian Hielema Luke Schut Alvin Shim
Staff Writers: Jurgen Boerema Bree Brouwer Ryan Campbell Hannah Gallo Adrian Hielema Alyssa Hoogendoorn Alli Moerman Luke Schut Bridget Smith Ashlee Stallinga Joel Veldkamp Grace Venhuizen
The Zircon is published by students of Dordt College to invent and make fun of fake events on campus and beyond. Opinions expressed are not necessarily the view of the Zircon or of Dordt College, but represent the views of individual writers. Any letters, comments or opinions are welcome, but most likely will not be published because this is the last issue of the semester. But go ahead and send your snarky opinions to: diamond@dordt.edu
30 avril 2009
features.
The Southview Squeeze: 27 roommates in one apartment? Amanda Hugginkiss Staff Writer Due to the rising enrollment at Dordt, Student Services has looked into alternate housing methods. Next year, they will recommended that—in order to be guaranteed a room in Southview—seniors find approximately 26 roommates. The senior scramble now has nothing to do with romance. Students are franticly trying to figure out how to rework themselves into groups of 27. “It’s a meat market out there,” said one senior, who asked to remain nameless. “Some people will do anything—and I mean anything—to get
Gone are the days when students were given the luxury of only 6 roommates in Southview. These days, students pack as many as 27 students in the two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartments. Photo by Dan D. Lion.
“With all the clothes, dishes, books, and other possessions of 27 girls, we’re making sure to use every square inch of the apartment.” --Katie De Kooyenga
you to live with them. They’re forming alliances and double-crossing each other…it’s getting dangerous.” Representatives from Student Services were contacted about the room reconfiguration, but they declined an interview. They did send a vinyl record of their reasoning behind the changes, but it appears to be broken. All it would say was “It builds community…it builds community.” But some feel that, perhaps, they are now more a part of the Dordt community than they would care to be. “It’s going to be so crowded in the kitchen, we hired Carrie Foods to cater for us,” Jaci Jamesma said.
The kitchen isn’t the only busy area. Daniel Van Kamp and his roommates—too many to be named—have worked out a schedule for sleeping in shifts. “There are only so many beds to go around,” he explained. “I’m just glad I got the 2am-9am time slot. Other guys weren’t so fortunate.” But some students are looking at the bright side. “We’re really putting into practice what we’ve been taught at Dordt,” Katie De Kooyenga said. “With all the clothes, dishes, books, and other possessions of 27 girls, we’re making sure to use every square inch of the apartment.”
Morale plummets, productivity increases with Facebook ban Wanna B. Gangsta Staff Writer Helga Van Dutch Name is a member of 15 clubs at Dordt College. She also plays volleyball and runs track on the Dordt teams. In addition, Van Dutch Name is taking 18 credits this semester and auditing a course on personal finance. Just last semester, Van Dutch Name would not have been able to handle such a load, she says. “When Dordt blocked Facebook from the campus internet systems, I had a lot more time on my hands,” Van Dutch Name explained. The Student Services Department at Dordt recently implemented a decision to block Facebook from Dordt’s web server. After much debate and strong-arming the vote of a number of students, Dordt succeeded in passing the ban. “Procrastination had simply become too big of a problem at Dordt,” said Assistant Provost Bee Ess.
“The distraction of and cease to acFacebook was cripknowledge other pling students’ work people as they walk to such a degree that across campus. No a number of profesone remembers each sors were considerother’s names and ing early retirement the sense of camarabecause they could derie, once a staple not bear the lack of at Dordt College, intellectual content has nearly vanished. in the homework,” In fact, Dordt proEss explained. fessors now feel out Approximately 50 of touch with their percent of Dordt’s students. professors signed “We liked being a petition to impleable to have internet ment the ban. The fellowship with our other 50 percent Students now see this page when they try to access Facebook. students, and constudents’ desires, we pus, as students cease to protested the action nect with them on by holing up in their of- may indeed appear to socialize. Students have their level,” said music become solely focused professor Dr. Broiler. fices and spending time consider them.” The current effects of on homework and extraupdating and refining “Facebook provided their own Facebook pro- the ban have resulted in curricular activities. a way to share pictures Though students still from music concerts and files instead of teaching mixed reviews of Dordt’s classes and fraternizing decision. The benefit of fellowship together on a worldwide tours,” Broilwith other Dordt faculty blocking Facebook is spiritual level--in various er said. “I miss that.” that students are now 95 forms of worship--they and staff. Though Van Dutch The college plans on percent more productive have ceased to remember Name said she apprecirunning a trial period of – the campus is cleaner, how to socialize during ates all the activities she a full year to test the ban late homework is almost casual time. Their desire can now be a part of, she on Facebook. After this non-existent, students are to pursue relationships misses friends and feels time, President Money- in better physical health, outside their classroom her papers have lost a Bags said, the decision and musicians are always bubbles has diminished flavor of creativity. to an alarming degree. will be reassessed and prepared for lessons. “Facebook was my The demise of FaceAny socialization that creative outlet,” Van Dordt will solicit student book, however, seems to still occurs has become Dutch Name said. “I ofopinions. “Although,” Money- have sent morale plum- increasingly polarized. ten talked to people at Bags said, “we will not meting. An eery quiet Students tend to stay in- sporadic intervals while necessarily listen to the has fallen over the cam- side their own cliques I was writing a paper. It
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helped me be more fun and creative. Now I get so absorbed in my homework, I can’t think of anything else.” Van Dutch Name admits the ban has also had an impact on her ability to socialize: “Sometimes I go around campus so absorbed in the concept of the Pythagorean Theorem that I forget anyone else is around. I get scared because I often feel like I can hear Blaise Pascal talking to me about triangles.” Homesickness among students has also increased dramatically due to students’ limited ability to contact old friends and family. Whatever the case, Ess said, Dordt plans on continuing the full-year trial period. “We are just going to have to persevere and see this thing through,” she said. “We always try to do what is in the best interest of the students. Facebook was a problem, so we chose to completely ban it for the time being.”
30 апреля, 2009
empty page. We now interrupt this issue of the Zircon to present a very special blank page. On an unrelated note,
Zircon Writers Wanted! Apply Today! 5.
30 ليربأ2009
sports.
Ballads of Glory:
Dordt’s competitive poetry puts the jam in “Enjambment”
Busta Rhymz Staff Writer The house lights dimmed inside C160 as “Eye of the Tiger” blasted out of the speakers. Bright, colored spotlights roamed over the chairs, walls, and floor. Smoke drifted in a heavy curtain around the audience’s ankles. Seven English majors threw their hands in the air – it seems they just didn’t care. Suddenly, the doors at the back of the room flung open, and out trotted every member of the English department in full robed apparel. The 12th annual Competitive Poetry Reading Contest had begun. “It’s just something that us profs put together
a long time ago to, you know, keep the fun in poetry,” said Bill Elgersma, whose rendition of Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” drew thunderous applause from the audience. Many of the professors take the event very seriously. “I’ve been practicing in front of the mirror for like, the past six months,” said Jim Schaap, while wiping the sweat off his brow, pre-competition. “I just need to make sure I get my rhythm down, not mix up my dactylic hexameter with my dactylic pentameter, and just go out there and bring the best I’ve got.” When asked to define dactylic hexameter, Schaap had no comment.
Among the surprises at the competition was Professor Mary Dengler’s rendition of Shakespeare’s “To be or not to be” soliloquy. “I was shocked that she didn’t come out with something, you know, a little more original,” said Leah Zuidema. “I mean we’re out there throwing down Yeats and Whitman and she comes out with that snuff? I just don’t think she came prepared; this isn’t amateur hour.” In the end it was faculty chair Bob De Smith who took the crown for the fourth year in a row, with a tear-jerking recital of Maya Angelou’s “Phenomenal Woman.” “I just want to thank Robin Williams,” said a choked-up De Smith. “His role as an
English teacher in Dead Poets Society just--it just helped me to believe in myself.” “The man is a poetry tank,” stated Schaap, still a little euphoric from his second place finish. “He’s the Edgar Allen Poe of stand up poetry.” As the last of the confetti fell to the floor and all but one of the competitors respectfully shook hands, there was already talk of next year. “I’ll be working hard,” said Zuidema. “I want to work on my transition to the heroic couplet, see if I can get my times down on that.” As for the victor’s plans: “I’m going to Disneyland!” said De Smith. “Or at least Sioux City.”
Making the cut:
Dordt’s annual competetive poetry reading competition started off with a bang with Leah Zuidema’s rendition of Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass;” but Bob De Smith came home with top honors. Photo by I.P. Freeley
Controversy over haircuts gone haywire
Noah Fence Staff Writer The baseball team was forced to discontinue the tradition of freshmen haircuts after 12 freshmen players had a recent run-in with the hair clippers. Baseball coaches and senior members of the team insist the practice is all in good fun, but administration overruled and called the wacky haircuts a form of hazing and took drastic measures against the behavior. In order to bring reform to the team, all players had to shave their heads, since Dordt College has a certain image to uphold.. According to anonymous sources, the baseball team threatened the
“A mold exists that cannot be broken under any circumstance. Students cannot represent Dordt in an unkempt manner.” integrity of what the college stands for, and no one should be allowed to infringe on what a stereotypical Dordt student should look like. The act of cutting the player’s hair not only reflected badly on the students involved, but it was an abomination to the college. A mold exists that cannot be broken under any circumstance. Students cannot represent Dordt in an unkempt manner. After all, what would other people think and say? Breaking out of the “cookie cutter con-
straint” is not allowed and is punishable by Dordt law. This time around, the Administration let the incident slide, but players reported a stern talk filled with threats of expulsion and the guilttrip card was played as the players accused of “hurting the Dordt community” with their actions and appearance. In response to the behavior, a new criterion for Dordt admission has been developed and approved so no such ordeal will take place again. Essentially, every student must be blonde-
haired, blue-eyed, and of medium stature—much like Barbie (before she got overly busty and disproportionate) and Ken (before he aged 20 years). Barbie and Ken now have a Dordt Chapter. The dolls are expected to hit the market sometime next week so that incoming students know exactly how to look and dress. Necessary measures will be taken if students do not meet the standards. Heads will be shaved. Hair will be dyed. And colored contacts will be worn.
6.
Students at Dordt are now expected to represent the college by emulating the appearance of Barbie and Ken, the iconic blond-haired, blue-eyed dolls manufactured by Mattell. Photo by Ben Dover.
Independence and eccentricity is not an option because it clearly goes against Reformed thought and action. What better place to start the process of reform than in how stu-
dents look and dress? The term “plastic people” will take on a new meaning in the Dordt community. The Cookie Cutter Clause will be Van Essen enforced inRachel the upcomPhotoyear. courtesy of DENIS. ing academic
features.
30 kwiecień 2009
Dordt promotes “Awareness Awareness Week” N. Gaje’d Staff Writer Dordt College is currently experiencing some new trends on campus, one of them being the celebration of “Awareness Awareness Week.” This event’s purpose is to “raise attention to the destructive aspects and social inequalities associated with mainstream awareness.” “Personally I am tired of being aware,” said the anonymous leader of the group, who did not want people to become aware of his name. “Bono wants me to be aware of poverty, Al Gore still wants me to be aware of global warming two years after An Inconvenient Truth, George Bush wanted me to be aware of terrorists, Barack Obama wants me
Awareness Awareness Week seeks to promote awareness of what awareness does to people, such as making them run marathons to aware people of lifethreatening diseases.
to be aware of change. When I go to the airport I have to be aware of unclaimed baggage, when I go to the mall I have to be aware of the sliding doors, when I turn on my cell phone I have to be aware that I might get cancer, when I get a en-
gagement ring I have to be aware that I might be getting a blood diamond. So I decided the best approach right now would be to promote unawareness, because all awareness ever does is make me feel guilty, and what is ever accomplished
with guilt? Instead we, during exam week, will celebrate how unaware we are, and that is really the only good kind of awareness.” “I really am excited,” said another anonymous member. “I really feel we can make a differ-
ence with this event. Every day there are people out there suffering from awareness. Every five seconds a new person is aware in the world. Think of all the demonstrations, t-shirts with pity phrases, booths, snacks, discussions, vigils, speeches, and plans to do it all again next year. Now is our time. We can bring change in our lifetime. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.” The anonymous group plans to celebrate “symbolically” by not engaging in any real-world activity for a week. Some activities include not going to class, spacing out in a dark room, sleeping excessively, drinking copious amounts of caffeine and inhaling excessive amounts of junk food.
“We realize many people do this already, but our mindless activity has a purpose,” said the president of the group. “What those unenlightened people do might be called ‘self-indulgence’ or ‘hedonism.’ But really we are dedicated to a higher cause.” “I can’t stress how excited I am,” said yet another annoyingly anonymous member. “People need to know how aware they are, and what they can do to change that. People look at the glass half-full or half-empty. I look and I see a blank counter, and pieces of the glass and a floor full of water from all the awareness causing problems in people’s lives. That’s the real issue. That is the heart of the problem.”
How is Dordt going green? Putting stack of pamphlets explaining benefits of carpooling on info desk Not running any heat in the residential halls November through March Only putting parking lots on grassy spots on campus students don’t know about Football team reusing helmets instead of throwing them away after every play
“Chubby Bunnies” serves as Dordt’s longest standing athletic tradition, encompassing the gluttonous nature of the college. Photo by Marsh Mallow.
Reselling unsold copies of last year’s concert choir CD as this year’s latest tracks
Dordt students take puffy pride in Chubby Bunny
Less cow blood in Gatorade machine in the commons Librarians now make the “boop” sound with their mouths when checking out books, saving the library 28 watts of energy per year Installing reusable toilet paper in all stalls on campus Approved plans to paint the campus center green so that it can be powered through photosynthesis
Sirius Schweets Staff Writer Among Dordt’s illustrious sports tradition, there is one competition that rises above all: Chubby Bunny. It is in the sacred sport of Chubby Bunny that the gluttons are allowed to shine; it is the one place where having a big mouth can win you fame and glory. “Ifh one ofh fhe funneth
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forts on fampus,” stated an anonymous freshman, stuffing little white balls of sugar into his mouth. While traditionally it is the biggest slobs who have excelled at Chubby Bunny, the sport is not for the timid. “Choking is a very real and present concern,” said one of the officials presiding over the slobbery competition, “we have medical personnel constantly
standing by.” When asked if they enjoy watching the sport, one of the on-hand EMS workers mumbled something about enjoying Dutch people embarrassing themselves. “No other sport takes such shameless pride in pushing gluttony to extreme levels,” said President Zylstra, “this is really what Dordt is all about.”
30 Απριλίου 2009
features.
Where are they now? They were dismissed from Dordt this semester and never came back. What are the pizza thief, stink bomber and cast of John Calvin Superstar doing now?
Dee Oderant Offense: Set off a stink bomb during chapel. Students fled the building to the far greater delight of rural Sioux Center offal fragrancies. Is now: Selling air fresheners at your local Walmart.
30 percent of the senior class Offense: Hadn’t fulfilled the “ring before spring” clause in the course catalog. Several of the students proposed to each other in a desperate attempt to remain on campus for the final month of their college career, but alas, it was to no avail.
Pep Erroni Offense: Assaulted a pizza delivery boy and shared the raided pizza with his Southview roommates. Is now: Delivering pizzas, ironically. Hope he stays safe.
Are now: Back in their hometowns desperately trying to finish their degrees online.
Skid McGee Offense: Crossed “the parking line,” and was ticketed for parking his car one inch over. Sadly, McGee left his car in the spot for an entire month, racking up a hefty parking fine. McGee could no longer afford to pay his tuition and had to leave. Is now: Rallying support for his martyrdom with the Facebook group, “STUDENTS AGAINST DORT PARKING FINES!!!1!!1”
Cast of John Calvin Superstar Offense: Upset board members with a performance of the satirical musical; received level 3’s and required to memorize “Deepening the Colors” to remind them of their freshmen Gen 100 roots. Are now: Seen around Sioux Center at various RCA churches.
8.
David McSlappy Offense: Wasted Dordt’s resources. McSlappy claimed he could not sit in the college’s desks while attending class because he disagreed with the way the institution spends their funds. Dordt rebutted by telling McSlappy he was wasting his funds by not taking full advantage of the amenities provided for him. Is now: Living the simple life as a homeless person and taking full advantage of any resources he finds in the ditches of Sioux Center.