SPECIAL SECTION RESPONSIBLE PARENTING
SPECIAL SECTION RESPONSIBLE PARENTING relationship). Though “momol” wrongly prides itself of not crossing the line to sexual intercourse, it centers on lust and is therefore a grave offense against healthy boundaries. Word boundaries are a declaration of ownership—this is mine and that is yours. Saying “yes” or “no” empowers the person to take charge of his or her own life, acting like a gate that allows or denies access to other people—whether in time to be spent, or property to be borrowed, or their very own lives to be shared. It involves learning two skills properly—how to say “yes” or “no” and how to receive “yes” or “no.” In this, each person needs to know his or her particular boundary problem. Compliant persons need to learn how to say “no,” controllers need to learn how to receive “no,” avoidant persons need to learn how to receive “yes,” and nonresponsive persons need to learn how to say “yes.” For children, they need to learn these skills to fend off peer pressure and welcome true friendship experiences. They need to learn not only to say “no” to peers who invite them to smoke, drink, do drugs or sex, or join fraternities or sororities, but also to say “yes” to friends who invite them to worthwhile and righteous activities such as treeplanting, running for a cause, visiting the sick, or serving the church in youth groups. Good parental bonding encourages young people to make good choices. Time boundaries teach people to respect the only resource that never comes back. Coming on time for meetings shows respect for the time of other people. Respect for time includes knowing the purpose, direction, and duration of meetings, and not wasting the time of other people with unnecessary talks and comments. Children, particularly teens, need to be taught about time boundaries for activities, giving them the reading of Ecclesiastes that says there is a time for everything—a time to play, and a time to study, a time to date, and a time to end
30 FamilyMatters
JUNE - AUGUST 2015
The boundaries experienced by our children in our home will be the same boundaries they will apply to their relationships outside the home. the date, a time to do household chores, and a time to join friends. It will help if parents can design a weekly schedule with their children to establish a routine for the family to follow. Geographical and emotional boundaries are about proximity—how near or far a person can get physically or emotionally. Particularly helpful in cases of abuse or bullying, it allows the person who falls victim to these situations the freedom to continue a normal life outside of the bad influence or the threats of the
perpetrators. It is also helpful for persons who are mending a broken heart—to be physically and emotionally away from the persons affecting him or her. Family bonds are crucial in these times for them to know they have someone to come home to.
OUTSIDE INTERVENTION
When boundaries are not well placed and have to be restored, discipline is required as an external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries. The greatest disciplinarian is consequence. Consequences must be age-appropriate, related to the seriousness of the infraction, and intended to increase the child’s sense of responsibility and control over his or her life. Ultimately, the goal of boundaries is an internal sense of motivation, with selfinduced consequences. Our children must move towards true maturity that enables them to be responsible and caring because it is important to them, and not because it is important to us. Boundaries lead us to be responsible for ourselves and be more available to others in love.