No Apology Needed

BY MARYANN KERR

I’ve been thinking about the politics of apologies and how these politics have a significant impact on our progress in the philanthropic sector. The politics of apologies is a topic covered well in several articles I have read recently online (see links below). They’ve been on my mind as I join others reeling about issues like reproductive rights, gun control and racism.

In brief, the politics of apologies is about getting your apology ‘right.’ It is about ensuring that you don’t centre yourself in the apology. A lousy apology will be rejected, considered insincere, or worst of all, may cause more harm and be used as ammunition against the person extending it.

A poorly delivered and worded apology is used to illustrate how the apologizer “just doesn’t get it.” I know this because I’ve been told a few times, by obviously much more enlightened leaders, that I just don’t get it and that my apology is insincere.

Here’s the thing, if you find yourself feeling disillusioned about the lack of progress on issues from reproductive rights to environmental and social injustice, and you see yourself on the same frontlines you worked three decades ago, one of the reasons just might relate to the politics of apologies. Politically active people spend a lot of energy fighting each other instead of finding common ground and rallying for the greater good. I find this to be particularly true within the more socially progressive movements.

First, we need a label for everyone. We need to judge how far right or left they are. We need to determine if someone is a “ghastly moderate” and therefore causes trouble across the political spectrum. When someone trying to do good messes up, we may tear apart an apology, we shred it. We reject it. We know better. We are better.

In every article and conversation about apologies, it is clear there can only be one harmed or wounded party. An effective apology is simple. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” The problem is, without dialogue, chances are, the ‘offender’ will indeed ‘do it again.’

I’ll never forget the night I fell asleep beside my then four-month-old daughter. It was a child’s bed so not too high off the floor, but we’d not yet put in bedrails. The thud of her head on the ground woke me up. I picked her up, rocked her back to sleep and kept saying — I’m so sorry honey. Mommy didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just so, so tired. That apology would not cut the mustard today. Thankfully, she seems to have forgiven me.

It is human nature to explain. Not defend. Not provide an excuse but explain. For example, “I’m sorry, I swore at you. I have Tourette’s Syndrome. It was not my intention to cause harm.” Again, according to the experts, that apology breaks every rule of a sincere apology. But what if it didn’t?

What if, instead of being offended, the harmed person chooses to accept the less than perfect apology? What if they choose to be curious about Tourette’s Syndrome? What if the offender can be curious about the harm their swearing caused? What if we decide that intention does matter?

That example happened to me. I chose to accept the apology even though the shock on my face from the seemingly personal insults was still very present. It didn’t change that in the moment of those words being hurled at me, I was hurt. It didn’t change the harm done, but accepting the apology opened the door to immediate healing and learning and eventually laughter.

I keep wondering, what if we choose to see an apology as an invitation to strengthen, deepen and broaden our relationships with each other? Wouldn’t it be great to create an ally instead of an enemy?

If you are actively engaged on any issue whether it is mental health awareness, anti-racism work or housing the homeless, you are likely to make mistakes. When you are ‘in the arena’ you will say and do things that cause harm. You will apologize and sometimes your apology will not be good enough. And that’s a choice made by the person receiving it.

Now don’t misunderstand. I don’t think everyone deserves to be forgiven. I don’t even believe that you must forgive to heal. Some transgressions are simply beyond the scope of forgiveness. I don’t forgive the people who bullied and mobbed me or the ones who still do. Now, if they had the emotional intelligence to recognize their wrongdoings and offer one up — I’d very likely accept it. I’m a fan of restorative justice.

I think we will make a lot more progress, on many fronts, if we show each other more compassion. We need to make room for individuals’ imperfections, and ineffective apologies, no matter where they are on their healing, learning and unlearning journey. One of the great Canadian heroes of our time Dr. Gabor Maté writes in his masterpiece book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction:

Not every story has a happy ending... but the discoveries of science, the teachings of the heart, and the revelations of the soul all assure us that no human being is ever beyond redemption. The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists. How to support that possibility in others and in ourselves is the ultimate question.

Let’s find ways to embrace the road to redemption in every relationship. We can only mend the world by healing ourselves. We need to do the inside work and we need to hold space for each other to be imperfectly human. By the way, I really am sorry.

MARYANN KERR is Founder & Principal of The Medalist Group, a boutique organizational development and philanthropy firm. Thinking Out Loud is a monthly personal insights column exploring topics that make us think. Is there something you’re thinking about that you’d like us to consider? Do you have a comment on this one? Send us a note. We’d love to hear from you. She writes this column exclusively for each issue of Foundation Magazine.

The links mentioned in this article are https:// communitycentricfundraising.org/2022/02/15/what-todo-when-we-fck-up-because-we-will-a-lot/ and https:// everydayfeminism.com/2013/07/intentions-dont-really-matter/