8 — Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Holmes County Shopper News
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One man’s treasure becomes one woman’s trash “So let me get this straight,” she said. “You’re getting all bent out of shape about a stupid piece of foam?” With that simple sentence my wife fully implicated herself in the disappearance of one of my most useful pieces of sporting equipment. The truth was, I hadn’t yet gotten worked up about having misplaced the “simple” piece of foam padding which I had carefully hand-crafted to fit inside the string bag I carry on my back while bicycling to and from work every day. I hadn’t stressed about the loss of my precious invention — a combination moisture barrier (read that sweat), and insulating chest protector that has actually saved my skin on more than one occasion — because I figured I had just mislaid it and would likely happen
have scripted it. I gave no indication that I was on to her. Instead, I began a campaign to overwhelm her with guilt. “It wasn’t JUST another piece of foam,” I whimpered. “It was like a guardian angel to me.” I carried on like this for most of the weekend, shuffling slowly about the house, checking behind furniture, lifting couch cushions and looking mournfully off into the distance. At one point I picked up the empty string bag and turned it slowly over in my hands declaring that my missing foam had actually been “a little piece of my cycling soul!” “Oh, for goodness sakes, John!” she finally conceded. “Alright, alright! I took it! I thought it was just a piece of scrap and I packed it into a big box of markers, glitter and construction paper for the kids in the craft room at the Center for the Arts! I’m SORRY! I had no idea ...” “So what you’re telling me is that my cycling soul has been reduced to little more than a set of coasters or a decorative pot holder?” I whined, slumping dramatically to my knees. “I feel my life force slowly draining.” “Really, John!” she snort-
across it sometime very soon. Now, however, based entirely on the nonchalance with which Kristin addressed my “stupid piece of foam” I knew that she was entirely responsible. What she was essentially saying was this: “Yes, I found your piece of foam and thoughtlessly did something unspeakably terrible to it; therefore I’m going to do my best to convince you that it actually meant nothing to you.” Kristin is really not a very good liar, and I’ve actually seen this particular play so many times I could
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ed. “It’s probably still sitting in that box along with everything else. If it really means that much to you I’ll check when I arrive at work on Monday!” This was, of course, just another play from the Kristin Handbook: Tell him what he wants to hear and by Monday morning all will be forgotten. I called her at work on Monday afternoon. “So, did you check on my beloved foam?”
She hung up the phone and rushed toward the room just in time to find the craft leader lifting my foam from the box before a wide-eyed crowd of safety-scissor wielding 5-yearolds, every one of them bent on mincing anything they could get their little hands on into lopsided triangles, circles and squares! Despite widespread sighs of disappointment, Kristin apologetically retrieved my well-traveled piece of trash
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and I’m relieved to report that it has since resumed life as an indispensable part of my cycling wardrobe! (For a look at a real-life photo of the foam that caused the fuss, and plenty of other goofy things, check out my Facebook page: JohnLorsonSendHelp and be sure to “like” me while you’re there!)
Immunization clinics The Holmes County Health Department offers children’s immunization clinics at various sites throughout Holmes County on a monthly basis. Immunizations are offered to anyone 0-18 years of age at no costMedicaid cards and donations are accepted. Below are the scheduled clinics in Holmes County: — Walnut Creek Mennonite Church, 2619 Township Road 144, Walnut Creek, Tuesday, July 24, 8:30-11:30 a.m. — St. John’s Lutheran Church, 8084 State Route 241, Mount Hope, Wednesday, July 18, 8:3011:30 a.m. — Keim Lumber, 4465 State Route 557, Charm, Wednesday, July 25, 8:3011:30 a.m.