M/D

The Mother-in-Law Myth Answered

After a few months and years of being the “mother-in-law,” I have to be honest with myself. I am jealous. Yes, I am jealous BECAUSE they, meaning my three daughters -in-law, have the best of me! Of My 3 sons! Ugh. Doesn’t that sound downright horrible? Well, I think that I have finally figured out this whole dilemma of the why, of the silent battle between mothers -in-law and daughters-in-law, now referred throughout this writing as the M/D Myth.

I became aware of the M/D Myth a few months ago after noticing a cooling period of affection between sons and me. Thinking it was something I had said, done, imagined or whatever, I, of course, prayed about it, and the little thoughts of you are jealous started slowly rising in my brain and working to come full front, and my having to admit it. Yes, I am jealous of the time my sons spend with their wives. Of their wives visiting with their mothers about all the little tidbits of the day that I will never hear from my sons, or their wives. Yes, I am jealous for all the little fixings my sons do in their homes and no longer take place in my home. I have to rely on my own resources and self-doing, or do without. I was spoiled with my three sons and me being together those years after their dad had died.

I thought I was dealing with the ENS (Empty Nest Syndrome) normally, then I thought I was doing ok with sons getting married and being happy for their chosen wives. REALLY. And then with their settling in with their careers, homes, and now new families. During those transitions, I too, remarried. A totally different person than my first husband, and a totally new career/home environment. That took a tremendous adjustment on all our parts, the husbands, wives, sons, and me.

I can just imagine if mother-in-lawing went anything like it did for me when I first remarried. I had all these complaints about my husband’s MOTHER! Why hadn’t she taught him this or that, or why is he doing this (anything) this way? Why does he mispronounce these words, why, why, why? So then, when I met my husband’s mother, was it easy just to love her off the bat after all the complaints I’d had? And then, as husbands and wives confide in each other over their upbringing and the sibling rivalry between brothers, how is it that this poor new daughter-in-law could possibly come to love MOTHERin-law!

In my first marriage, 10 years passed before I wasn’t afraid of my M-I-L. Whew! She was perfecto to the max. I knew nothing of housekeeping or cooking or budgeting or crocheting or knitting or gardening. It took a long time for me to realize that she wasn’t criticizing me whenever she mentioned how things were different in my home or her home. I finally realized later that she was just comparing how things are different. Not right or wrong.

I ought to have realized this was happening to me. But being in a new marriage myself, I found out that I was starting over in a new situation and that the old doesn’t necessarily fit. I ought to have been gentle with myself and my new D-I-Ls.

The remedy is really simple. Yes, it is. Take any conflict to prayer and let God do with it what He wants. Remember to be thankful that these D-I-Ls found your sons to be loveable, kind, good looking, thoughtful, generous, humorous, financially responsible, and Godloving. And remember these sons have come from YOU. In silent wonder, the D-I-Ls have paid YOU the highest compliment by marrying your sons. Of course, the D-i-Ls won’t admit these thoughts. They probably don’t realize the conflicts some M-I-L’s go through. I know it takes time to have sons develop their homes and families, and at the same time distance themselves from their home ties. It isn’t easy. A lot of growth and understanding happen in life’s events.

Now, that I have gotten this out of my head and onto paper, I will print this for my reading at the Writer’s Group, and perhaps, someday in going through my stuff, the sons and wives may come across this and read it and say, “Yeah, that’s true.” But in the meantime, being aware of this myself, I am responsible for actions in the best, the truest form to create harmony and goodwill, hopefully ending up in mutual love, respect, and new understanding. Is the Mother-in-Law/ Daughter-in-Law Myth true? I guess that’s up to you.

Polly Williams is a doctor’s daughter, pastor’s wife, mother of 3 sons, farmer’s wife and widow. At 40, she completed her R.N.. Her desire now is to write stories of her life to inspire others.